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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband going away after birth- WWYD?

117 replies

thinkingpositivethoughts · 03/05/2013 12:45

I'm due on the 19th July with our first DC. My DH is a teacher and we were looking forward to him being around for ages after the birth but he has just been offered a chance to go on a residential course for the first two weeks in August which would likely lead to promotion.

I know its only two weeks and I think he should do it but I can't help feeling scared about how I'll cope afterward - we've got no local family and might be quite isolated. DH feels like he is being selfish just thinking about it but I think long term its good for all of us (and he would never choose to be away otherwise)

I don't really know how I feel about it but I know other women do it and could do with some tips for pulling myself together and coping if he does go

OP posts:
Iggi101 · 03/05/2013 12:47

He can do it next year.
If you have to cope, you will, but really why should you.
Is the course one nearby so he could come home sometimes?
Am a teacher and really can't think of anything important/necessary enough to take two weeks away to learn!

SantanaLopez · 03/05/2013 12:47

Is this a one off? Will it run next year?

You could theoretically go overdue into the very end of July and have a newborn on your own.

pjmama · 03/05/2013 12:48

You might be overdue. I wouldn't be happy about being left alone with my first baby for a fortnight so early on, it's exhausting and bewildering and lovely and you'll need some support. Do you have a friend or a relative who could come and stay with you?

EglantinePrice · 03/05/2013 12:50

What every one else said. Be a shame for him to miss the first two weeks of his baby too.

aldiwhore · 03/05/2013 12:50

It's a toughy.

My DH has to work away a lot and being self employed we have the mindset that you have to make hay whilst the sun shines, so for us, I'd send him off and struggle through for two weeks, but only because our situation demands we have that attitude to succeed.

If he can do it again next year then that's only a delay of a year and justifiable as you don't have a tight support network at home.

Whatever you decide YANBU. Only you two can really decided what is right for you. Good luck either way!!

Twinklestarstwinklestars · 03/05/2013 12:51

If he does it you'll be fine, I'm due on 17th July with dc3 but will probably be induced before, dc1 and 2 will be off from 19th for the hols and dp will most likely be working away after that. You'll probably get yourself into a routine and with dc1 you'll still be able to nap in the day hopefully. But if you really don't want him to go then he should try and put it off if you feel he can risk waiting for possible promotion.

emsyj · 03/05/2013 12:52

Let him go next year. You will both regret him giving up the chance to spend the first couple of weeks with your new baby, and many folk do have teary moments during the early days and need support. You may also have a difficult delivery (I had a section with DD1) and need some practical help.

scaevola · 03/05/2013 12:54

If he can rebook for a later date without missing career opportunities, then that would be bet.

But if it's something he's burning to do and it will lead to promotion soon, then it's better he goes, on the basis that it's an investment in the long term future of your family. Will you have other people around who will be able to support you?

lunar1 · 03/05/2013 12:54

What if you are late or need a section, my dh works away a lot but this is just too close. He could potentially be going away when you are still pregnant.

Iggi101 · 03/05/2013 12:56

Actually never mind him saying he's feels it would be selfish of him to go - is he happy at the thought of missing two weeks in the tiny baby's life, when so much will be changing?
In teaching many things might lead to promotion, but none are guaranteed. You wanting your dh's support (especially with no family nearby) is 100% guaranteed.

HazelnutinCaramel · 03/05/2013 12:56

It's a bad idea. You might go overdue for up to a fortnight. You might have to have a section so you'll need his help afterwards. You might get a colicky baby who screams all night. There are any number of possibilities and given its your first, you're not going to know what the hell you're doing (none of us do!).

He can do the course any old time. Your first baby is once in a lifetime.

givemeaclue · 03/05/2013 12:56

Can you hire a doula to help or maternity nurse

Weegiemum · 03/05/2013 12:59

My dd1 was born on a Sunday.

The following weekend, dh had booked a locum doctor shift, expecting me to be overdue.

He did 8 hours (of 48) before calling a colleague and coming home. He missed us too much!

quoteunquote · 03/05/2013 13:02

Would he be considered irresponsible if he had to cancel his place on the course at the last minute?

Because if something does not go to plan, such as you going over the due date, having complications, having a c section, ill baby, infection, any of the normal spanner in the works, he will not want to go anywhere.

If everything did go to plan and you work on that premise , could you fork out for a nice hotel or holiday cottage (invite a parent to stay) near the course ? It could be a way round the problem, all go.

kotinka · 03/05/2013 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMook · 03/05/2013 13:07

Any friends locally that could help with the house? Mr Mook was working very long hours before DC1 was born, and PGP meant I couldn't keep up with basic levels of housework- friends helped keep the house from squalor. Stocking up the freezer would cut shopping and cooking after.

I've had a CS, and am currently recovering from a 3rd degree tear following forceps. DC1 was 3 weeks before I had the strength to carry him down the stairs. This time I have more strength but the first two weeks were painful, and I'm still under Drs orders for light duties for the first 6wks. Admittedly I'm not average for recovery and it takes a while for the PGP to go which has added to my issues this time. My CS was an emergency and my recovery/ poor health after (had symptoms of PE) wasn't forseen. This time we were prepared incase of complications as there was more liklihood of them occuring.

Is it possible for him to assume all is OK to go, but drop out should you need extra help?

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 13:07

The dates are just too close, imho.

You could easily go 10 days over your date - there are so many unknowns. He is clearly not 100% happy with the idea, and rightly so.

Am intrigued by what this residential could be that is likely to lead to promotion, ime education jobs don't often work like that.

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 13:11

I did go with DH when he had a work thing for 2 weeks when Dd was 6 weeks old, we stayed in a cottage but it was very hard work with a newborn and we counted the hours until we could come home.
If it's anything involving kids on this residential then OP going too would not work and tbh she would probably just want to be at home anyway.

worsestershiresauce · 03/05/2013 13:18

I've an 8 week old and I'd say let him go. Networking is a good way of getting on in the workplace and that is going to help you in the long run.

The first few weeks are actually the easiest as newborns are very sleepy so it is easy to get into a manageable routine by yourself. I had a maternity nurse and ended up giving her every day off as I really didn't want or need the help/interference. Order your groceries on-line, buy pre-prepared stuff and book a cleaner. You'll be fine.

LaGuardia · 03/05/2013 13:24

Clearly no Army/Navy/RAF wives on here today. Some women have to, and do, cope all alone for weeks on end after a birth.

AThingInYourLife · 03/05/2013 13:31

This is a tough one.

I was inclined to say he should go, but if DH had gone with either of our first two, he wouldn't have been here when they were born.

Or he would have had to drop out if the course last minute, which would look bad and might have an impact on getting on it again.

"The first few weeks are actually the easiest as newborns are very sleepy so it is easy to get into a manageable routine by yourself."

That is very, very far from a given.

Lots of women really, really struggle in the early weeks. Especially with their first.

That is pretty terrible advice.

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 13:32

LaGuardia - sure some do, and some women walk miles to fetch fresh water, would you do that if you didn't have to??

Worsestershire, am v glad that the early weeks were so easy for you, but they were awful for me, and at this point the OP simply has no way of knowing how it will be for her and her DC.

Networking not necessarily relevant here as OP's DH is a teacher.

Loa · 03/05/2013 13:34

My first was a day early which is usual as fb often late but my second we 12 days late which was a surprise inconvenient as well as we were moving week after.

I had a near perfect first birth ( actually been bloody luck with all)- and she was a near perfect baby apart from not wanting to be away from me at all.

I sat an exam when pfb was about two weeks old and moved house with toddler and new born after second brith. So you can get things do post birth/ near dates.

However despite coping looking back I can't help wishing we hadn't and that we could have just enjoyed things a bit more and been less exhausted.

If you do it - make it as easy as possible - house full of easy to cook/prepare meals and either get help with house work or accept it won't be a priority.

HazelnutinCaramel · 03/05/2013 13:34

LaGuardia of course they do but presumably because they have to. They wouldn't if they had a choice?

OP has the luxury of choice.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/05/2013 13:36

I usually think threads where omen are wondering how they will cope on their own with their children are quite silly, but not this time!

You could be overdue and end up having the baby just a couple of days before he is due to go. No course is worth missing the first weeks of your baby's life for.

And that's just if things go smoothly, what if you end up needing a Caesarian, or you have any other kind of more-traumatic-than-average birth, or you have a high needs baby, or you just feel like most new mothers and want all of your new little family to be together?

Just no.

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