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AIBU?

Husband going away after birth- WWYD?

117 replies

thinkingpositivethoughts · 03/05/2013 12:45

I'm due on the 19th July with our first DC. My DH is a teacher and we were looking forward to him being around for ages after the birth but he has just been offered a chance to go on a residential course for the first two weeks in August which would likely lead to promotion.

I know its only two weeks and I think he should do it but I can't help feeling scared about how I'll cope afterward - we've got no local family and might be quite isolated. DH feels like he is being selfish just thinking about it but I think long term its good for all of us (and he would never choose to be away otherwise)

I don't really know how I feel about it but I know other women do it and could do with some tips for pulling myself together and coping if he does go

OP posts:

Report

Iggi101 · 03/05/2013 16:47

I think there'll be a lot of pressure on the OP to not ask her dh to cancel, if he goes ahead and books.
Better not to book at all, unless the cancelling is only to be in case of overdue baby or obvious illness.

thebody · 03/05/2013 16:50

Your baby could be 2 weeks late!

It's your first baby ffs, he has years to build up his career.

Shame to miss this precious time together especially with first baby.

MrsHoarder · 03/05/2013 16:52

He should certainly consider what the repercussions would be if he pulled out late. To add fuel to the no argument, I went into hospital to be induced at 40+12. Ds was born at 40+16. At 40+19 (so ds was 3 days olds) dh had to carry me in to see the gp because I was suffering so badly with infected stitches downstairs.

I rely wouldn't have coped, I couldn't stand up whilst holding ds until he was nearly 2 Weeks old, which was 4 Weeks past his due date. But it want a problem because dh made sure he didn't have to travel for any meetings for 4 Weeks either side of my due date (and moved some things back still further).

whistleahappytune · 03/05/2013 17:53

Thank you yellow!

Pinkflipflop · 03/05/2013 18:09

Absolutely, definitely not!

I've just had my first baby and I could not have coped without dh.

wiltingfast · 03/05/2013 18:12

Have you no one who can stay with you? Because you could run late and you will need access to someone who can bring you to hospital at minimum. Really much better not to be left alone at that stage of pregnancy.actually you really should not be left alone if you are overdue.

Or assuming you do have the baby in time, why don't you go with him? Rent an apt or something and set yourself up there for the first 2w? He has to stay somewhere anyway so probably wouldn't cost much extra.

thinkingpositivethoughts · 04/05/2013 09:57

Hi all, OP here.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Kind of overwhelmed actually - bloody love mumsnet.

For those who were curious my DH's course is part of the future leaders accelerated head scheme so its quite a big deal and very competitive - if all goes to plan he'll be a head teacher in 3 years rather than the 5-10 it would take otherwise so there are pretty good rewards.

We've decided to plan for him to go - I'm going to try and go with him for some of it and then my MIL can stay with me for the rest of it if the baby in a hotel is too tough. He also gets the weekend off in the middle so that helps. If the birth is difficult, c-sec or massively over then he won't go and will hopefully be able to defer to next year -it'll just be one of those things as there's no way he would leave me if I was struggling or ill.

I'm definitely going to be spending July eating Vindaloo and drinking raspberry leave tea to try and get baby out in time though! fingers crossed

OP posts:

Donkeyswife · 04/05/2013 10:07

It's a no brainer IMO. He should not go. You might go overdue - very common with first babies. I know I was an emotional wreck when my hubby went back to work after 2 weeks and I had my mum stay with me for a week when he'd gone back to work (maybe that's why I was a wreck ).

He can do the course another time - you need him, the baby will need him and FFS you don't need this worry hanging over your neck at this time. I can't imagine why a promotion would be dependent on him doing a 2 week residential course.

ivanapoo · 04/05/2013 10:23

I wouldn't go, unless baby arrives early or is at leadt 2 weeks old. Newborn baby in a hotel sounds like a terrible idea, sorry. It's hard enough at home!!

greenformica · 04/05/2013 11:39

He must do it next year unless a close friend/family member can come and stay with you while he is away. You and your babies needs come first. You have no idea how your birth/recover will be and you will need support from somewhere.

MortifiedAdams · 04/05/2013 11:43

I found the first few weeks with a newborn emotionally difficult. DH often woke to find me sobbing into the sink as I washed bottles at 3am. He was a saint. And I was totally keen on pregnancy, had a goodish birth and handled the sleep depravation ok so it.took us by surprise.

You may need him around for.non-practical.matters.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 04/05/2013 12:26

Welcome to parenthood.... Full of sacrifice!

My two penneth.... If he can defer, do it. Its the little things. I KNOW people do cope, and have to cope.... But its nice when you are sat breastfeeding and suddenly feel ravenous, to have dh there to say get us a brew and the biccies, love. Or you really need to grab a quick shower and change of pad in peace because you know dh is cuddling the baby. Or someone just to chat to at 4am as you feed for the twentieth time. Those first few weeks are insane, you are in the bubble and first flush of baby love, and you are really deserving of a nice babymoon.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 04/05/2013 12:36

If he can come home at the weekend then I think it makes it a lot more viable, especially if your MIL can stay. Someone suggested getting a cleaner in few a few weeks. I think that would be a great idea and if you plan ahead and have everything as organised as possible then it should be ok.

I would have hated staying in a hotel.

I think it could be fine

ShatterResistant · 04/05/2013 16:39

For the first 2 weeks after my baby was born, I practically couldn't bear for my husband to leave the room! I loved him sooooo much, and emotionally I was all over the shop, despite a very uncomplicated birth and calm baby. Looking back, I wouldn't have missed that time with him and the tiny one for anything. Of course I COULD probably have managed, but why would you? As people keep saying to me about the baby, these times are so precious, and they never come around again...

Tailtwister · 04/05/2013 17:29

Unless the promotion is a done deal if he goes on the course, I would be inclined to wait until next year. If he does go, you will manage. Lots of people do, but of course it would be preferable for him to be there, both from his perspective and yours.

jkklpu · 04/05/2013 17:32

If you've decided you're going to go for some of it, might be better to consider an apartment rather than a hotel. That way you won't be hassled by staff, you'll have a mini-kitchen and feel more at home.

maddening · 04/05/2013 22:03

yes I second a sc accommodation. And he should ensure lots of lovely food is there for you as well as lots of DVDs and entertainment for you.

roamingwest · 04/05/2013 22:06

I wouldn't do a hotel. Miserable.

Speaking as someone who is coming to the end of 3 months of having an essentially absent DH (work and exams) and newborn I would seriously think about the potential effect this could have on your relationship (you and DH, he will bond with the baby when he returns). We make these plans as couples but it is very very hard not to let the feelings of resentment bubble up when post partum and, as another poster said, allow yourself and DC to feel second to his career. If he's coming back at the weekend that's good and presume he'll have uninterrupted time at home following his return?

Other than that take advantage of any and all practical help you can muster and do not try to be brave if you feel you are not coping. Make sure DH plays a part in preparations and planning for the time he will be away; emotionally that will help you.

ChasedByBees · 04/05/2013 22:37

I think I wouldn't have liked a hotel but if you can get support at home, that could work. You'll have home visits by midwives and health visitors - being at home will be easier. In a hotel, you'll have room service wanting to come in, lochia in a hotel bed oh god the lochia, no other rooms to escape to. If you can stay at home, do. Otherwise get a cottage rather than a hotel room.

My experience was not so great and I needed support. I was so tired I was hallucinating.

It could be DH, MIL, family or a friend but having someone to share those early days with - someone who'll respect your new bond - is important IMO.

ChasedByBees · 04/05/2013 22:39

X-posts with others about sc accommodation.
If you go this route speak with your midwife now about how to get post natal check ups - they're important.

NigellaTufnel · 04/05/2013 22:46

He should not go. It's a no brainier.

He is acting like a selfish twat

readyforno2 · 04/05/2013 22:48

My dp left when ds2 was 4 days old. He was working offshore and was away for 4 weeks. It was pretty difficult but I got through it.

Preparation is the key, I had a load of easy home cooked meals in the freezer and online shopping is a godsend.

Don't push yourself too hard, if you don't need to do things, don't.
Enjoy the time with your newborn where you don't need to share him/her. Don't know if your planning to bf but it could be a good opportunity to camp out on the sofa and get yourselves into a routine.

As others have said, what about going with your dh? Is it possible for him to be at home for the weekends?

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Amykins35 · 04/05/2013 22:52

I personally think he should do it. Newborn babies are asleep the vast majority of the time, having to only consider yourself and baby for a couple of weeks would be great - you can eat when you like, sleep when you like, establish feeding etc. I'm speaking from experience as exH was self employed and workedthe day I was in labour, baby was born the next morning and he was back at work several hundred miles away that night. I wa isolated, had no one to help and had never even held a baby before so was clueless but working it out gave me confidence in my abilities

SacreBlue · 04/05/2013 22:57

I had my DS on my own (sis came to hospital but after several hours went home to check on her kids and DH) I had support after the birth from family bit essentially did most of it on my own and it isn't onerous if that's how it is - you just manage.

I know the feeling behind missing out on 'bonding' time but actually babies are rather boring for the most part and a couple of weeks doesn't mean missing out on very important changes.

I think whatever feels most comfortable for you both is the way to go and frankly unless your DH is a totally arse who dodges his responsibilities then he will still get to do lots of bonding and nappy changing etc after the course. Some people though I was selfish putting DS in nursery to finish my degree just after I had him but he has never claimed mental scarring from it.

SacreBlue · 04/05/2013 22:59

I should use the review button more :( but typos aside you get the drift

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