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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going away after birth- WWYD?

117 replies

thinkingpositivethoughts · 03/05/2013 12:45

I'm due on the 19th July with our first DC. My DH is a teacher and we were looking forward to him being around for ages after the birth but he has just been offered a chance to go on a residential course for the first two weeks in August which would likely lead to promotion.

I know its only two weeks and I think he should do it but I can't help feeling scared about how I'll cope afterward - we've got no local family and might be quite isolated. DH feels like he is being selfish just thinking about it but I think long term its good for all of us (and he would never choose to be away otherwise)

I don't really know how I feel about it but I know other women do it and could do with some tips for pulling myself together and coping if he does go

OP posts:
bubbles1231 · 03/05/2013 14:02

Thats ok Wishi Smile

whistleahappytune · 03/05/2013 14:04

OP, could I just say how refreshing it is to read of a woman and a man talking together, each trying to do right by the other, considerate of each other's feelings, and mindful and supportive of long-term career goals. How lovely you are and your DH - I'm sure your baby will be lovely too.

It's far from ideal, obviously. And in an ideal world there would be nothing between you, DH and new little one for a few weeks after the birth.

But... it is only a couple of weeks and you definitely can cope. I spent a lot of time on my own (husband a war correspondent) with a newborn, and I actually quite enjoyed it. But you must be super-organised beforehand. Get all your baby basics - nappies, wipes, onesies etc well ahead of time. Make sure that there's plenty of food in the house for you (believe me, you'll eat like a horse if you're breastfeeding) and get bulky or heavy stuff delivered or bought by DH beforehand. It's one thing taking your DC in a sling to the corner for some milk and fruit, quite another if you have to schlep toilet paper, laundry powder and a couple of bottles of wine mineral water.

If you decide to do this, please you must ask for help. Consider asking someone who you think is nice, but perhaps you aren't close to. People can be very generous to new mums and are happy to do so. I swallowed my "pride" and asked for help from a neighbour (who I didn't know well at the time, but who has become a very close friend). She would let me know when she was going to the shops and pick up things for me, would stop in and coo at the baby and make a cup of tea. It wasn't a big deal for her but huge for me, as I was reassured by her company and that if I needed anything, she could be relied on while DH was away.

Anyway, the decision is between you and DH. I just wanted to encourage you if you felt inclined to have him do the course.

All the best to you, OP

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 14:05

Wishiwas - did you read all of my post, theone you referred to? I was making exactly that point, that you and I had had very different experiences, and there is no way of telling how it will be for the OP because it is different for every family.

Please do not quote me as saying that the OP will be the same as me.

Lambzig · 03/05/2013 14:06

Sorry, stupid iPad, I meant missing not mixing

Karoleann · 03/05/2013 14:13

I certainly would not get him to go, if you are 14 days late (which is the date alot of NHS hospitals induce at) this takes you to the 2nd August.

A lot of new mothers and second and third time mothers need lots of support and help in the first few days/weeks. Even if you do have a natural birth you're likely to feel sore afterwards, it also affects you emotionally and often you can feel quite weepy a few days later.

You may well have a really sleepy baby (like my DC2 and 3), but dc1 was horrendous, I'd had a bad birth, he was delivered by ventouse, and he just cried contunually. I don't know how I would have managed without DH around.

frazmum · 03/05/2013 14:14

I would say let him go but ONLY if he could cancel at the last minute as you could very easily go overdue by 1-2 weeks. Also you would need some help, if you can't get some family then it would need to be a maternity nurse or mother's help. I had a mother's help with one of mine and she did jobs around the house like the washing, dishes and also held DS when I needed a break.

anklebitersmum · 03/05/2013 14:21

If you think you'll be fine then let him go. He's getting the same kind of leave that DH got and if he manages to be there for the first 2 weeks that's plenty. It's a couple of weeks and he's there for the birth and first week or so at least, right?

As part of your pre-baby prep just ensure that you have plenty of frozen dinners in the freezer for you and stocks of everything you need for baby so that you can just go nowhere, do nothing but you and baby time when he's gone.

You can do lolling and sleeping and lots of cuddling with no guests to have to flap about the house for. He can hoover when he gets home if you're not up for it.

I'd say send him-it's got to best for you all financially to have this course and a promotion under his belt and as a Mum of 4 I'd make the most of having just you and baby and no other responsibilities as you won't have the luxury with number 2.

Honestly it's massively do-able (ask me how I know) if you plan in advance and approach it in a relaxed manner Grin

YellowDinosaur · 03/05/2013 14:23

What a fab post whistleahappytune :)

Op there really is no way of knowing how it will be for you. All that the 2 of you can do is keep talking. Think of the worst case scenario, whatever that is for you (for us it would have been that the baby was 2 Weeks late and dh missed the birth and first couple of Weeks) and think about whether that would be a deal breaker or not. If it is then perhaps now it's not the right time for dh to do this. On the other hand if it isn't you might be able to work round it, such as arranging for your Mum / sister / close friend / combination to come and stay with you when your dh goes away.

anklebitersmum · 03/05/2013 14:24

thinkingpositivethoughts honestly you'll have the midwife and then the health visitor all over you and baby like a rash for the first few weeks at least.

They like to see Mum chilling and don't care about housework..mine used to put the kettle on and bring the biccies through herself once I'd let her in Grin

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 14:27

anklebiters mum -and due to being shortstaffed round here, I hardly saw the midwife and the HV visited once.

Honestly I am not trying to be difficult but everyone is piling in with what it was like for them, and OP does not know yet!

YellowDinosaur · 03/05/2013 14:30

The flip side is thinking how you'd feel if your baby arrives a week early with a very straightforward birth, and is a calm baby who sleeps and feeds well. You both feel fine. Would you / your dh regret him deciding not to go on the course?

There is no right or wrong answer. There have been some excellent practical tips about how this would be possible but also some peoples experiences that if you shared could make this really stressful.

All you can do is talk about it and decide which things would be deal breakers for you both. Hopefully this will help you come to the right decision for you both and to plan practical ways to make it as easy as possible if he does go.

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 14:31

At last! Yellowdinosaur, I agree.

pickledginger · 03/05/2013 14:35

He's a teacher, so he'd be a home with you full time for those two weeks in August. Ignoring how you feel for a minute, is it worth him missing out on two weeks of time with your baby? Who will be a maximum of two weeks old and possibly a day or two old?

milk · 03/05/2013 14:36

He should only be able to go if he can provide the following:

  • 2 weeks online grocery shopping + a few take aways to perk you up
  • a cleaner to come over twice a week
YellowDinosaur · 03/05/2013 14:38

Some practical things...

Not having dh for ds1 would have been tough because breast feeding was phenomenally painful and we had a middle of the night supermarket dash for nipple Shields and formula. Couldn't have managed that without dh as I couldn't drive (post section). So having stuff for all eventualities in even if you hope to not need them would be a good move.

ds2 actually slept pretty well at night but was a really stressy shrieky baby during the day which I actually found really hard. Planning places to go / people to visit depending on how mobile you are would mean those was more bearable than just pacing alone.

The plus side of everyone on here is we will be able too help you plan for all eventualities even if you end up with a house full of crap you never need!

anklebitersmum · 03/05/2013 14:42

NotWilliamBoyd I was lucky..had a brill baby (no2) and it was hols when she was born so no school run to cope with. Midwife knew I was on todd though so maybe I got special treatment or maybe I just had the good biscuits Wink

CandidaDoyle · 03/05/2013 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickledginger · 03/05/2013 14:45

If he goes off so soon after the birth by the time he comes back you'll have everything in hand. Without him.

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/05/2013 14:47

Annie - I did something similar when Dd was 6 weeks old but tbh I just wanted to be at home.

In OPs case the baby might only be a very few days old!

lborolass · 03/05/2013 14:49

I agree with those saying you can't possibly know in advance so it's impossible to be sure you've made the right choice so I'd say keep your options as open as they can be and make the decision at the latest feasible time.

But, I can honestly say that I can't remember anything that stands out about my childrens first two weeks and I really don't think bonding will be affected by being away for what's a very short time is a child's life.

ENormaSnob · 03/05/2013 14:50

IMHO this is one of those situations with no right or wrong answer.

Only hindsight will provide the best course of action. By which time it'll be too late!

I've just had dc4, 4 low risk pregnancies and 4 normal easy deliveries. Normally I would just get on with things but have had a horrendous time Postnatally and tbh, I really need my dh atm.

vanhelgan · 03/05/2013 14:55

In my experience it's hard to know what you're going to feel like after the birth even if things do go well. My DH went away on a work trip in similar circumstances, DC4 was a bit older at 6-8 weeks. We had discussed it in advance and both felt it would be good for his career etc. We also knew that he would have cancelled if e.g. I needed a CS.

As it was DC4 was an easy baby, I had an easy birth and all was well. Practically I didn't really struggle at all whilst DH was away. However from an emotional point of view I took it terribly. I felt completely abandoned and sidelined by DH at the time - like I was playing a supporting role in his career and the kids and I were being relegated to second place. I know (and knew then) that this was unfair and unreasonable of me but postnatally my mind was all over the place.

I'm not saying that will happen to you but I know that when DH and I planned before his trip we could only think of the practicalities - we just didn't see my (over!)reaction coming. I think for me the key was the element of choice. For forces families, self employed etc it's just what has to happen and I think I would have handled that much better.

Oh, also, with your dates DH would have missed the birth of DC1 and DC4 as they were so overdue...

TwinkleSparkleBling · 03/05/2013 15:03

OP I'd just written a really long post. Which led me to this thought.

How exactly will the course lead to promotion? I am a teacher and have never come across this. Is it guaranteed?

If there is a job vacancy it will be advertised. What if your DH does go and misses the first couple of weeks with you both and doesn't get the promotion?

SuffolkNWhat · 03/05/2013 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 03/05/2013 16:46

*it is only a couple of weeks and you will cope"

Sorry, but no one has any idea whether the OP will cope or not. She might, she might not. OP, can he book it and cancel if necessary?

Personally it would be a big no no for me. With or without the benefit of hindsight. It also depends how you want to look back on those 2 weeks - no one knows how it will go for you, but your first weeks with a newborn and as a family could be really lovely if your DH doesn't go. Or they could be traumatic and difficult, whether he's there or not. You just don't know! But I'd rather make it as easy as possible if it wasn't essential for him to go.

Personal experience - DC1 was EMCS so he couldn't have gone anywhere. REALLY struggled with bfing and would have stopped had DH not been there, definitely. DC2, another traumatic birth, although "natural", but I was still in physical discomfort for quite a while. DH took extra time off work so I could focus on bfing, which worked better. He was away for one night when DS2 was about 7 days old, which wasn't ideal timing, but do-able for one night!!

Good luck with your decision.