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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop DP going on lads holiday???

368 replies

MummytobeDC2 · 01/05/2013 12:49

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane? Shock

OP posts:
Minion · 02/05/2013 09:25

£1500? For a week? For one person?
Crumbs.
We did 2 weeks in India for 2 with less than that. Granted, it's India. But still, that's a lot of moolah to piss up against a wall for a jolly with the boys.
FWIW I think YANBU regarding the money. If husband has a holiday I expect to either have one or go with him, but YABU in shouting at other posters regarding their opinions. An opinion is right. It doesn't make it factual, but right. To them. Of course.
Probably best just to say to husband 'well, if you're in need of a holiday, let's go together.' leave DS with your parents/his dad for a week and enjoy a last minute babymoon in the sun, all inc for the same amount of money. If he baulks at the idea, then for him, it's not about a holiday, it's about time away with the lads, getting gazebo'd I'm afraid.

At 7 months gone, I'd expect husband to at least stay in the same country just in case. I wouldn't stop him from going if he was adamant, but I'd be banking that holiday for the next 5 years.

EmmelineGoulden · 02/05/2013 09:31

YANBU OP. The money all on its own is a huge concern. He sounds like a teenager.

But even if you were rolling in money, the lack of concern for you is really sad. I can't even imagine my dh wanting to go away for a week when I was 7 months pregnant. He felt protective of me and the baby and thought his role was to be as supportive as possible and try to provide the best environment he could for his child to be born in. Not that he (or I) was some kind of martyr, but he was definitely very happily focused on the future. I did not find pregnancy easy, and was really glad that he tried to be around as much as possible. Similarly for the next few years while we had toddlers, extended trips away weere kept low for both of us. Now the kids are at school it doesn't seem like such hard work looking after them.

But even now, if (and this hasn't happened) I expressed my concern that he was leaving me with the burden of domestic life and he basically had a taantrum about it to try and get his own way, instead of discussing what we could do to make things better for everyone, I would be really annoyed at him.

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 02/05/2013 09:46

Firstly I have always thanked people for their opinions (even if its not what I wanted to hear) I don't shout at anyone, I don't know how to shout through a computer... But I think when people post their views without reading fully that's what annoys me... Saying I shouldn't stop him being with friends etc its not about that.

Please note we can't go on holiday together because I wouldn't feel comfortable putting a financial strain on us at such a crucial time. So us going away together is out of the question.

And when DS is away in October it is the very end of October and I'm due at the very start of November so I won't be feeling up to going afar.Shock

OP posts:
seriouscakeeater · 02/05/2013 09:49

biwi what a ridiculously long self indulgent post and I give up a quarter in as it was bollocks.

holly actually starting choking/laughing on my jam on toast when I read that you are still banging on about your holidays . You are completely refusing to acknowledge op will be heavily pregnant and strapped for cash.

To all those that are still confused why any pregnant woman would be so wimpy to need their partners support through pregnancy , not every pregnancy is the same,every woman is different.

When I had my 1st DD I was riding a bike around at 9 months. It was a doodle, with this one when I hit 7 months I got inflamed ribs psd, a trapped nerve which the pain is from the depth of hell.

Add on the fact they are a pushed for money, so this time it's not a great idea.

Morning ladies!! Brew

BetsyBell · 02/05/2013 09:53

Given that finances are an issue here it would be far better to put the money towards a nice family holiday in the future. If money weren't an issue then I'd say let him go but make sure you get a reciprocal break yourself further down the line.

If his DM is so keen for him to go then she should pay for it.

Having said all that I wouldn't be happy for my DP to go on holiday without me/us!

YANBU

gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 09:55

Personally, i'd let my DH go.

I know what he's like around his friends... Silly... Silly.... And more silly! However, boys will be boys and they are just having fun.

DH's best friends are my brother and my brother in law... Along with some of his other mates... They are all married with young children... All very mature, good guys... Just like to mess around and act like teenagers when they are together Grin

However I do trust them all to look out for eachother and not cheat etc.

It would come down to money for me... If we could afford it I'd let him... If we couldn't afford it he wouldn't go... But he would come to that decision himself.

seriouscakeeater · 02/05/2013 09:55

mummy have you said any thing to him yet?

diddl · 02/05/2013 09:57

The thing is that if it's not affordable-then well, it isn't!

gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 09:57

FYI as much as I'd probably let my DH go if we could afford it, I think YANBU.
x

seriouscakeeater · 02/05/2013 09:59

boys will be boys eh? Confused I'd prefer to think of my dh as a responsible adult. Who can bare to sacrifice one silly boys holiday?

Mothers/lovers/apron strings and all that ....

BIWI · 02/05/2013 10:00

Self-indulgent post? Shock WTAF?! Do you know the meaning of the word?!

BIWI · 02/05/2013 10:01

Actually, what I took considerable time to do was to give a balanced and considered point of view to the OP not to you, seriouscakeeater. Unless you are the OP's sockpuppet?

Xmasbaby11 · 02/05/2013 10:05

What BIWI said (long post).

Minion · 02/05/2013 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 10:18

Hi seriouscakeeater (like the name)... My post could be misinterpreted...

When I say "boys will be boys" I do just mean that when they all get together they have a laugh and act a bit daft... My DH went away (in the uk) with my brother, brother in law and some other friends and this is what they did-

-Play football
-wrestle eachother
-dance (badly) in a club in the evening... And they probably drunk a lot but I DO trust them
-see who can eat the biggest burger
-BBQ on the beach
-all get semi naked in the hot tub together... Lol Blush
-surfing
-volleyball
-watched all the rocky films
-go karting

Nothing bad or incriminating just men getting together and having fun... It's allowed!

I went on a girly trip away and we went shopping, had afternoon tea, went to a comedy club, had a nice dinner, a spa, manicures etc... DH would probably say "girls will be girls!".

Original poster
MummytobeDC2 · 02/05/2013 10:19

Troll? SmileSmileSmile

OP posts:
gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 10:24

Also my DH is a responsible adult and to be honest he probably wouldn't even consider going on holiday with friends if I was 7 months pregnant.

However I would feel bad if all of his friends were going and he wasn't... I'd probably encourage him to go but only if we could afford it... Which we probably couldn't lol Grin

seriouscakeeater · 02/05/2013 10:24

biwi did you sit back with a cigarette and glass of wine coffee and enjoy that dissection of Ops post?

Yes I am Ops sock puppet.....in fact I am Op!
minn please read op post up thread about not being to afford family holiday/break. People genuinely need to read and absorb the threads as it leads to people repeating bollocks/ going over old ground and it makes you look silly.

gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 10:26

I think the point here is that everyone's different.
Some women wouldn't allow it... Others wouldn't mind..
Some men would want to go... Others wouldn't.

Personally in my household it would all depend on money and also who is going on the holiday.

I

BIWI · 02/05/2013 10:27

"biwi did you sit back with a cigarette and glass of wine coffee and enjoy that dissection of Ops post?"

No.

I sat here, at my PC, thought about the OP's question and gave a considered response, based on the obviously unfashionable idea of trying to help her. I very carefully quoted her post to prove that I had read it, as the OP seems to get quite cross with those that she thinks hasn't read it.

I really don't see what your problem is with that. Unless you are being deliberately goady of course, which is - as you should know - against MN Talk Guidelines.

seriouscakeeater · 02/05/2013 10:31

This is getting bizarre run mummy run !! See you on the other side!
Good luck!!

gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 10:31

My cat hit post with his nose before I was finished... Grin

What I was going to say is that I wouldn't be happy about DH going away with HIS brother and his brothers friends... His brother is a prick and so are his mates.
However DH knows that and that's why we hardly ever see his brother (except his brother is engaged and DH will probably be the best man when the time comes... Which means a stag weekend... Which DH is DREADING).

But DH's good friends (which includes my brother and BIL -my sisters DH) are all great and I trust them all and would be happy for him to go on a holiday with them..

IF WE COULD AFFORD IT! Grin

TSSDNCOP · 02/05/2013 10:33

I thought BIWI made some valid points actually.

But then again I was admonished for suggesting that DP and OP might need to address the priorities in their relationship, as DP clearly thinks his lie elsewhere.

Mollydoggerson · 02/05/2013 10:35

I don't think you can stop him, but you can be a little disappointed that he doesn't share the same views as you regarding how to behave so close to birth of your combined child.

My husband went on lads holidays during both of my pregnancies and tbh it has left a bitter taste in my mouth. All the boozey boyish behaviour is really unpleasant when you are in pregnancy mode. When the woman is abstaining and eating well and essentially parenting the unborn child, it can feel very lonely if the other parent is focusing on something else.

IMO such a diverse opinion on such matters as holidays can highlight inherent personality differences between parents and can be the beginning of realising there are cracks in relationships.

While the price of the holidays was never a problem for us, the real issue was the difference of opinion as to how family money should be pooled and spent.

It also boils down to what is going on during these holidays, boyz entitlement to drink and be decadent while mumsy stays at home being the good girl (moi bitter???). At any rate I think these holidays can cause problems in relationships.

gillywillywoo · 02/05/2013 10:36

In conclusion, everything BIWI said is actually spot on.

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