Please, I NEED to know if IABU before I take a stand with my in-laws.

[MyShoofly]

I have posted about this once before several months ago but am waffling?..I will try to be as brief as possible:

My in-laws sold their house about 3 years ago (Canada). They spend about 6 months of the year snow-birding in the US where they own a trailer in a seniors community. The other 6 months they have been splitting their time with various family here in my city and in another province. They cannot stay in the US more than 6 months.

They never used to stay with us but last August they wanted to use our basement for 2 weeks. It morphed into 3 months due to medical appointments (my MIL has MS and my FIL had a minor surgery). They liked our basement and asked if when they come to our city in the future if they can stay with us again. I gather the step-sisters would move the in-laws between their houses if they had other guests which in-laws did not like. The conversation was in passing ? it would hardly count as a conversation?nothing formal. I said it was fine, expecting them to only be around 2-3 weeks here and there.

We asked them to pay us $300 a month last Sept and Oct as they were costing us a fortune in food, water and electric ? they indicated nobody else makes them pay to stay with them and seemed to think $300 steep but agreed.

They started to refer to themselves as ?living? with us and it became clear they intended to be around for much longer than I anticipated. The basement is not self-contained. They use our kitchen and come up to visit. For my taste there is a lack of space and privacy. I found their visit Aug-Oct much too long. I was unhappy and very pregnant. They were crawling all over my very last nerve and it was clear to everyone.

DH and I bickered about their presence. I believe I was very diplomatic about it but my feelings were quite clear. He simply did not see my point of view. If it were up to him they would live with us forever as one big happy family. He spoke to them but basically made it worse ? told them I was hormonal and stressed?.to wait and see how it goes on their next ?visit??that I might enjoy their help while on maternity leave with a toddler and new baby.

While they were gone DH and I spoke about this openly with each other and with DH?s sister who was entirely on my side. I thought he finally could see my point of view and that everything was settled ? that he would speak to them about their long-term living arrangements when they returned.

Now they are back. They have been here almost 2 weeks. This year they intend to stay with us for a total of about 4 months ? half of April, all of May, then Aug-mid October. They are trying to stay in the basement (and avoid me) a bit more. I am trying to be more pleasant and sociable, though I?m afraid I am forever to be thought of as their uptight DIL. I am home on maternity leave so we are around one another a good deal. It?s going fine but my feelings remain the same.

They have changed their driver?s licenses and insurance to our house. They have bought a mini fridge for the basement ? today they advised they want to chip in with us for a new guest room mattress (as if !!). I?ve had yet another argument with DH about it ? he says he spoke to them and they are going to try to maintain this snow-birding thing for another few years and will try to stay at ours for only 2.5-3ish months a year. I gather they were very vague. I told DH he needs to pin them down on the specifics and that I personally think anything over a month is not reasonable ? 2 at the absolute maximum. I told him I need a more specific plan from them. DH thinks this is all fine ? no problem. I am the unreasonable one ? these are his parents after all.

I find them utterly cheeky. If they really ?live? with us then they should offer a substantial financial contribution (it costs us 2000+bills+food to live in this house every month). They should be buying groceries and splitting housework, cooking and maintenance when they are here. As I see it, they don?t want the financial or maintenance responsibility of a house/rental and are just using us to get around paying what the majority of all adults pay ? living expenses. I totally resent it. I don?t think I should have to tell two grown adults that they are overstaying their welcome FFS.

What is too long I guess is the question?? Am I over-reacting here ? would all of you welcome family to stay for months at a time with no end in sight? One month? Two? How about Three months? Where should I draw the line?

Before I put my foot down?please let me know ? AIBU?

[Loa]

Oh and worry less about your DH resentment if he does send them packing - cause if this goes on much longer your resentment towards him and your IL is going to be an issue however much you think you can control or ignore it.

I thought I could ignore mine - but despite things being o.k to great now I can still feel resentful at times of the way my IL and DH treated me in the past.

[renaldo]

YANBU at all
And I would be so pissed off with my maternity leave being hijacked too, and that's hard for DH to understand.
You have to have a real heart to heart with DH and tell him how much you are hurt by his lack of consideration for your feelings
. And impose a 2 week non negotiable limit for visits
Full stop

[lottiegarbanzo]

You know that the bottom line is that they were utterly unreasonable when they decided to sell their house, assuming they could stay with family for six months a year but wothout consulting you. That was outrageous behaviour.

All the rest is about how you deal with that unreason, which depends upon what you really want and are willing to tolerate.

[Ledkr]

My dh overheard me talking to my mum about how pils had made me feel.
He was and still is mortified and mentions it often.
Sometimes they need it spelled out to them but it does seem as if you have done this.
Don't feel bad for him. You are being reasonable even the rest if the family agrees.
He may not want to offend them but it seems he doesn't mind offending you.

[Heebiejeebie]

They aren't snowbirding. They are free birding or snow loading.

I think the money is a red herring. It is really OK for you to say to your husband that you do not want his parents to live with you. It's OK for you to need privacy and your own space. And if he does not accept that I think you have a bigger problem than his parents. Compromise is that they split time equally between their children (if you can stomach that) and make a clear plan for when the money runs out or they rent somewhere now.

[ZacharyQuack]

Can you propose that they split their time evenly between all of the siblings or other family members that might be sucker enough to agree , no more than 3-4 weeks at a time in any one place, and that a reasonable amount paid per week to the hosting family. If they want to be homeless nomads for half the year, they'd better get used to moving often.

Get them an application for a post office box to use as their official address, and be prepared to have the "what are your plans for the future?" conversation.

Alternatively, my DH brews his own beer. Our spare bedroom is full of sacks of grain, big plastic bins of more grainy stuff, kegs, buckets, kettles, a large noisy, smelly fermenter, and a beer fridge that rattles and groans very loudly all night. Do you like beer even a little bit?

[Tortington]

I am giving you advice that I would think twice about taking myself as I am a shithouse.

Your solution is for YOU to talk to them.

This, however would terrify me in your shoes.

[NinaHeart]

YANBU. Definitely NBU.
My H spilt up from his ex-wife in large part because she moved her mother in with no consultation with him - and she ended up staying two years. It really can be that serious an issue.

[YellowTulips]

Loving the "free birding" or "snow loading"!!!

I quite like "snow squatting" cause it also quite rudely implies them crapping over their families - which they are IMHO

[outtolunchagain]

YANBU you have been more than reasonable up until now and but the simple fact is that this is your life ,it is not a dress rehearsal,you won't get this time back again and this situation is making you miserable ,and you don't need to spend your life being miserable .

I think you need to sit down and say to your dh that whilst he may be happy with situation you aren't .You have tried but it is making you miserable ,you feel resentful that you are having to spend money that you should be saving for your children on his parents ,you cannot cope with the lack of privacy (the fact that he does not find this a problem is great for him but does not solve the problem that you cannot cope with it) and that you really don't feel you can carry on .

He may not think you are reasonable (he must be mad )but nevertheless you are the woman he married, the woman that he fell in love with and this is how you are and he has to accept that everyone has their limits and this is yours .

[Ledkr]

Great point earlier about being able to feel comfortable around people who made you and raised you and not around people you've known a few years and never lived with. This is the key point
It may not bother him but it bothers you and will eventually bother the children so he needs to not be so selfish

[JackieTheFart]

YA so NBU. An FWIW, while I have no helful suggestions, getting drawn into changing it to a proper flat or playroom etc is really not going to help much. They will undoubtedly still expect to stay.

[squeaver]

I remember your last thread too.

I think your SIL being on our side is a great weapon in your armoury (although they're no longer staying with them at all - is that correct?)

Can you persuade her to call a family meeting where you all address the issue together, with her very firmly on your side?

Btw, the thing with MS is that it can suddenly accelerate. They may not like it but the whole family needs to start doing some contingency planning.

[Cerisier]

A salutary tale Nina.

My sympathies MyShoo, YANBU. Your DH is avoiding upsetting his thoughtless parents, and ignoring the fact they are upsetting you.

You need to decide what you want: do you want more of a financial contribution while they are staying or do you want them not to stay or a combination of these? Then sit down with DH and sort out what he is going to say to his parents.

[Thepursuitofhappiness]

You sound lovely. This situation would make me very depressed.

I think you need to...

1. Show your DH this thread and have a frank discussion with him.
   
2. Work out how long you could cope with your PIL staying if there were no further changes to the house.
   
3. work out how long you could cope with PIL if t was possible to convert basement into self contained unit(weary though that thy would see this as permanent arrangement)
   
4. in the case of (2) and (3) above document financial contribution required per week (all incremental costs). Itemise so you can show it to PIL.
   
5. Everyone discuss together the outcome, you and DH presenting a united front. Maybe even ask SILS I join conversation as well as she is also on your side.
   
6. ensure that future is discussed too, what if scenarios regarding health. Particularly important to involve other SILs here so burden does not slip to falling on you.
   
   Good luck, rooting for you to be strong!!

[whois]

OP I remember your last thread too!

You need to have a frank discussion with DP about how this is all making you feel, then from there you can decide on a course of action depending on his response.

TBH I don't think I could stay with DP if he moved his parents in :-(

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I think you can't do anything without your DHs support. That is your challenge.

I agree with the idea of showing him this thread (or edited highlights)

[Sazzle41]

But you aren't 'one big happy family'. They invade your space and freeload. I think its time for a 'family meeting' to thrash out new ground rules re privacy and money. That makes you look firm, fair, in control and NOT hormonal mess. It also is a big mahoosive 'flag' to them that they can play the 'vague' card all they like but it won't wash.

You should have written notes with you 'regarding what i want to talk about' of privacy/boundary invasions and hard copy of all bills. This shows you mean business are organised and are not to be fecked with any more. If they get shirty you say calmly, 'what we have doesn;'t work for me, this is my home and we need to set down a plan that works for all'. If we can't agree: then we should be ending this arrangement'. End of.

[MyShoofly]

Thank you all for the feedback.

I feel my resolve strengthening again.

I spoke briefly with DH last night and said simply that we can't keep arguing about this - there needs to be a resolution. The most important thing is the strength of our relationship. I told him his parents are fine - they are healthy and capable - there is no reason to not level with them. He agreed. Hug, kiss and we put it to rest for the night.

I asked him to consider inviting his sister over for support in the conversation which he wasn't open to. So I think I will have to join him to get the deed done. I'll see if we can pin them down tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

I think if we convert the basement they will stay forever - that and we don't have the money to do it by a long shot. So that one is off the table.

So...I'm going to tell DH I want them to stay for a maximum of 6 weeks and during that time I want them to pitch in for groceries, cooking and perhaps the odd night of babysitting. That seems fair and simple.

[iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii]

That sounds like a good plan. Good luck

[YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad]

Good luck!

"during that time I want them to pitch in for groceries, cooking and perhaps the odd night of babysitting. That seems fair and simple."

To me that sounds like the very minimum - aside from the babysitting, that is what any adult member of a household should be expected to contribute.

[Hullygully]

[diddl]

Think you need to be clear about "pitch in"-it's not a jolly joint holiday!

They need to at least be buying all their own food/toiletries plus contributing to utility bills and helping around the house.

[EldritchCleavage]

Yes, I think they need to pay an amount towards bills too. Because otherwise they might do one grocery shop in the first week then nothing else for the duration.

[greenformica]

Fingers crossed for tonight.