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AIBU to think that if you throw a party for one twin, it should be for both of them, even if they're adults?

59 replies

AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:22

So, it's DH's 40th birthday today, and since he is a twin, also BIL's 40th. His wife is Evil SIL, who shall henceforth be known as ESIL.

Both DH and BIL didn't really want to do much for their big day, so didn't plan anything, and in the end BIL and ESIL invited us over for a bbq. So far so good.

I baked a cake to take with us, and wrote DH and BIL's names on it.

BIL had told DH that the bbq would be "in the afternoon". Nothing more specific and no more details. DH told BIL we had to go to DD1's karate event which finished around 12, but would be along after that. They live over an hour from us, so we thought we'd have lunch then drive over.

DH phoned BIL when we got back from the karate event, and BIL then said it was a lunchtime bbq so we didn't eat at home but drove straight over.

We got there at around 2pm to find the place packed with people, who were all just finishing their bbq lunch. We had no idea anyone else was invited, DH was really looking forward to a quiet afternoon with his brother. BIL and ESIL didn't give us an actual time for the bbq, didn't say they were inviting the whole neighbourhood over and didn't bother to wait an extra half hour to start the food so we could be there for it.

But we settled down to eat what little was actually left, BIL was kind enough to help me stoke up the BBQ again to cook my veggie burgers, though ESIL sneered at them as she went by (she doesn't believe in vegetarianism), and all seemed well. DH is a little socially awkward but managed well enough with this surprise gardenful of strangers.

Then the cakes came out. They had bought in a huge cake, with just BIL's name on it. ESIL stuck a candle in it, BIL blew it out, everyone sung happy birthday to BIL and that was it. I waited for the repeat performance for DH but everyone just tucked into cake.

Now I know they're adults and DH is perfectly capable with dealing with this and moving on, but WTAF? Even though the party was at their house, surely if you have a party for one twin, and the other one is going to be there, you make it a party for both of them? Poor DH was totally sidelined on his one and only 40th birthday.

So is ESIL being her usual evil self or am I over-reacting to DH being left out. I do find it hard to be impartial when it comes to her!!!

OP posts:

Fleecyslippers · 28/04/2013 21:24

What had you planned for your DH ?


hwjm1945 · 28/04/2013 21:24

Seems v odd not to even mention the othe birthday boy


crashdoll · 28/04/2013 21:24

I think you are letting your feelings for ESIL cloud your judgement but you're right, it wasn't a very nice thing to do. Were they purposefully vague when they invited you?


BoneyBackJefferson · 28/04/2013 21:26

So neither wanted to do anything and SiL organised a (possibly surprise)Bday party for her husband?


ChasingStaplers · 28/04/2013 21:29

YANBU if it wasn't even mentioned that it was your DH's birthday too. That just seems bizarre.
Are they identical? If so, surely the other guests will have thought it odd too.


CointreauVersial · 28/04/2013 21:32

Well, it was really BIL's are being just a little bit harsh.

Although it would perhaps have been polite for ESIL to bring your DH in at cake-and-singing time, and include him.

Presumably, some of BIL's friends might not have even known he had a twin.


hwjm1945 · 28/04/2013 21:32

When my sdad had a big 70th,it actually fell on my birthday and that of another guest.the dates are two days he gave a little speech he mentioned me a the other guy too which was completely appropriate,sil is an arse


HollyBerryBush · 28/04/2013 21:32

No. They are individuals, not co-joined entities.

DS3 is friends with twins, they totally separate birthday parties on different days, they also chose different secondary schools individually.

Poor DH was totally sidelined on his one and only 40th birthday. you and/or your DH had the choice/opportunity to mark Dhs birthday.


AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:33

We didn't plan anything; as I said, they both wanted to keep it low key, and a week or so ago BIL called to invite us over for a bbq. DH assumed, apparently incorrectly, that it would just be them and us; not a big party.

It was not a surprise party which SIL had organised. BIL and SIL organised it together.

And I'm aware that it was their party and they had every right to invite who they liked and do what they wanted. But it was very clear that it was BIL's party and DH was incidental.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/04/2013 21:35

So if they organised it together it should be

Evil BiL and Evil SiL?


Annunziata · 28/04/2013 21:35

Well if your DH wanted something he should have organised it himself.


AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:37

And we didn't organise anything separately because all DH wanted was a quiet afternoon with his brother. Which is what he thought he was getting.

I have asked him to make sure he gets all the appropriate details in future.

Yes, they are identical. Yes, the guests realised it was DH's birthday too (the big "40" badge pinned to his chest was a clue).

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:38

And ESIL gets the Evil title from years of evil behaviour. BIL is usually lovely.

OP posts:

Tortington · 28/04/2013 21:39

yanbu for this reason

There was deliberatley no information that this was going to be a party for BIL

had this been the case - you could
a) attend and suck it up
b) attend and moan - and we could AT THIS POINT say "well you knew it was BILS Party
c) Tackle ESIL and make joint party
d) Make other arrangements


honeytea · 28/04/2013 21:39

So long as the sidelined twin is 40 and not 4 I can't see a problem.


LadyKinbote · 28/04/2013 21:39

YANBU. Definitely should have sang Happy Birthday to them both. Seems like a little thing but it would have pissed me right off.


Tortington · 28/04/2013 21:40

your BIL no matter how lovely has also acted like a twat


AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:40

DH and I are planning a joint party in the summer, since I turn 40 later in the year.

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 28/04/2013 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 28/04/2013 21:41

i think to infer that a grown man should suck it up is a bit poor

I'm a grown woman and i am really upset if no-one remembers my birthday - not becuase i have an inner child of 4

but becuase it is about thoughtfulness by those you love


pigletmania · 28/04/2013 21:42

Yanbu your sil organised a party for her dh, they are individuals not joined at the hip. You shoud ave done something fr your dh, abbey. Meal out with hs brother and ESIL, his brother should ave said something to acknwege his twin also 40 too


pigletmania · 28/04/2013 21:42

Meant Yabvvu silly auto correct


ChasingStaplers · 28/04/2013 21:43

You've sealed it with the identical thing. YANBU

If I were a guest at the party I would wonder why there had been no mention of the other twin, especially as they were there!


BoneyBackJefferson · 28/04/2013 21:43


They are being unreasonable for not making it known that it was a big BBQ/Party and not a small get together.

They are not being unreasonable for not celebrating your DH's Bday


saintmerryweather · 28/04/2013 21:44

If you wanted a party for your dh you should have organised one

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