AIBU to think that if you throw a party for one twin, it should be for both of them, even if they're adults?

[AnnieLobeseder]

So, it's DH's 40th birthday today, and since he is a twin, also BIL's 40th. His wife is Evil SIL, who shall henceforth be known as ESIL.

Both DH and BIL didn't really want to do much for their big day, so didn't plan anything, and in the end BIL and ESIL invited us over for a bbq. So far so good.

I baked a cake to take with us, and wrote DH and BIL's names on it.

BIL had told DH that the bbq would be "in the afternoon". Nothing more specific and no more details. DH told BIL we had to go to DD1's karate event which finished around 12, but would be along after that. They live over an hour from us, so we thought we'd have lunch then drive over.

DH phoned BIL when we got back from the karate event, and BIL then said it was a lunchtime bbq so we didn't eat at home but drove straight over.

We got there at around 2pm to find the place packed with people, who were all just finishing their bbq lunch. We had no idea anyone else was invited, DH was really looking forward to a quiet afternoon with his brother. BIL and ESIL didn't give us an actual time for the bbq, didn't say they were inviting the whole neighbourhood over and didn't bother to wait an extra half hour to start the food so we could be there for it.

But we settled down to eat what little was actually left, BIL was kind enough to help me stoke up the BBQ again to cook my veggie burgers, though ESIL sneered at them as she went by (she doesn't believe in vegetarianism), and all seemed well. DH is a little socially awkward but managed well enough with this surprise gardenful of strangers.

Then the cakes came out. They had bought in a huge cake, with just BIL's name on it. ESIL stuck a candle in it, BIL blew it out, everyone sung happy birthday to BIL and that was it. I waited for the repeat performance for DH but everyone just tucked into cake.

Now I know they're adults and DH is perfectly capable with dealing with this and moving on, but WTAF? Even though the party was at their house, surely if you have a party for one twin, and the other one is going to be there, you make it a party for both of them? Poor DH was totally sidelined on his one and only 40th birthday.

So is ESIL being her usual evil self or am I over-reacting to DH being left out. I do find it hard to be impartial when it comes to her!!!

An interesting mix of opinions.

DH says he's not worried about beng left out, just a bit narked at having to spend the afternoon with people he didn't really get on with (they're apparently SIL's friends rather than BIL's).

I think we will chalk this one down to miscommunication. Like I said upthread, I will get DH to make sure he has all the details in future when we're going to see them.

BIL and SIL don't know about our summer plans, AFAIK, since we haven't actually finalised anything yet so we haven't told anyone.

And no, BIL won't be on the cake at our summer party, because it will be some months after his birthday, not actually on the day like today was.

Bewitched, thanks for asking. My cake was happily gobbled up by the guests. I was much tastier than their shop-bought one, IMHO!

Well, people can say all they like about it being IL's house and BIL's party for his birthday with their guests and so on, but I'm sorry, it's just bloody thoughtless and mean to do what they did today. Even giving them the benefit of the doubt as to whether or not there was a mis-communication about the timings and scale of event, how the hell could everyone there sing Happy Birthday to one of a pair of identical twins when the other one was standing there too? I don't care how old they are - it's just bizarre.
But then, you did say they're ESIL's friends...

YADNBU. Outrageous to not include your DH in the celebrations on his own 40th birthday; regardless whether he wanted a fuss or not. A fuss was had, he should have been included big time - at the centre, with his twin.

I'm a twin. Not the best relationship with said twin, but even she wouldn't pull a stunt like that. Though, hang on, maybe she would

Well I think YANBU because my daughter's birthday party was on my cousin's wife's birthday last year and I embarrassed her in front of all our guests acknowledged it was her birthday as well during the party.

YABU to think that a party for one should necessarily be a party for the other, and you know that, because you have excluded BIL from the joint party later in the year.

But today it was a bit much to invite you without explaining it was a party and without acknowledging your DH. That is odd. Even if it was a friend of a friend who'd turned up, you would imagine that there would be a bit of a 'cheer' at the shared celebration.

It seems a bit mean, but then, you say that they have form.

YANBU - what an odd thing to do. but then i can't imagine arranging a birthday party for myself, then inviting my twin sister and her family and not even acknowledging that it's her birthday too.

Did the other guests not think it odd? I certainly would think it strange to go to a party where one twin celebrated their birthday, while the other was treated like all the other guests.

Just trying to imagine being at a 40th birthday party of a friend's dh, singing happy birthday to birthday bloke and then starting chatting to someone who looks just like the birthday bloke, is wearing a 40th birthday badge but then someone calls him Ted and I was sure her husband was called Peter! I'd be ever so confused. And muttering in the corner to dh about has she got divorced and a new bloke and not mentioned it?

And then the birthday bloke would be everywhere, but in two different outfits!?!

It would be like being on Dr Who!

So, from the point of view of the guests - UANBU!

Thanks to the folks who understand. Like I said, DH said he's not fussed but I'm disappointed for him that he didn't get the birthday he wanted, which is what it boils down to, really.

Off to bed now, time for one last birthday present . Thanks for the perspective everyone.