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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that if you throw a party for one twin, it should be for both of them, even if they're adults?

59 replies

AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:22

So, it's DH's 40th birthday today, and since he is a twin, also BIL's 40th. His wife is Evil SIL, who shall henceforth be known as ESIL.

Both DH and BIL didn't really want to do much for their big day, so didn't plan anything, and in the end BIL and ESIL invited us over for a bbq. So far so good.

I baked a cake to take with us, and wrote DH and BIL's names on it.

BIL had told DH that the bbq would be "in the afternoon". Nothing more specific and no more details. DH told BIL we had to go to DD1's karate event which finished around 12, but would be along after that. They live over an hour from us, so we thought we'd have lunch then drive over.

DH phoned BIL when we got back from the karate event, and BIL then said it was a lunchtime bbq so we didn't eat at home but drove straight over.

We got there at around 2pm to find the place packed with people, who were all just finishing their bbq lunch. We had no idea anyone else was invited, DH was really looking forward to a quiet afternoon with his brother. BIL and ESIL didn't give us an actual time for the bbq, didn't say they were inviting the whole neighbourhood over and didn't bother to wait an extra half hour to start the food so we could be there for it.

But we settled down to eat what little was actually left, BIL was kind enough to help me stoke up the BBQ again to cook my veggie burgers, though ESIL sneered at them as she went by (she doesn't believe in vegetarianism), and all seemed well. DH is a little socially awkward but managed well enough with this surprise gardenful of strangers.

Then the cakes came out. They had bought in a huge cake, with just BIL's name on it. ESIL stuck a candle in it, BIL blew it out, everyone sung happy birthday to BIL and that was it. I waited for the repeat performance for DH but everyone just tucked into cake.

Now I know they're adults and DH is perfectly capable with dealing with this and moving on, but WTAF? Even though the party was at their house, surely if you have a party for one twin, and the other one is going to be there, you make it a party for both of them? Poor DH was totally sidelined on his one and only 40th birthday.

So is ESIL being her usual evil self or am I over-reacting to DH being left out. I do find it hard to be impartial when it comes to her!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2013 21:45

Anyway, I must stop ignorning poor DH on his birthday, I will be back later to be told how unreasonable I'm being.

OP posts:
Sokmonsta · 28/04/2013 21:45

Yabu. Dh and bil did not want to celebrate their 40th birthday. Dh did not want to celebrate his birthday. Your bil may have wanted to celebrate his own birthday as an individual instead of as a pair. He's had 40 years of having a birthday in the same day as his identical twin brother. Maybe he's tried to be his own person before and his 40th has been a huge catalyst for change.

Ikeameatballs · 28/04/2013 21:45

I think the BBQ is one thing (it sounds possible that your dh misinterpreted how much of an event/party it would be) but the cake, candles and singing should have clearly been for them both.

ProphetOfDoom · 28/04/2013 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spottyblanket · 28/04/2013 21:48

It was thoughtless of them, both SiL & BiL. Not nice for your DH to be invited round and left feeling incidental. It may have been BiLs house, his party, his friends, but seeing as he invited you both you would have thought he'd include his brother a bit more. Why didn't he tell his brother that it was a party? If he knew but didn't let on then I'd say he wasn't exactly helping his brother out much - did he want him there?

JustFoofy · 28/04/2013 21:49

Yanbu

It was shitty and it doesn't matter if they are 4 or 40 it's his brother's feelings on his own bloody birthday. How crap of them both. [Hmm]

HollyBerryBush · 28/04/2013 21:49

DH and I are planning a joint party in the summer, since I turn 40 later in the year.

Will you be having a joint cake - and putting the BIl-the-twin name on it too?

parabelle · 28/04/2013 21:51

Did the other guests not know DH is a twin? Did any of the other guests say anything?

Snazzynewyear · 28/04/2013 21:51

I can understand it being their guests at their party if they were hosting. But bizarre to bring out cake and sing happy birthday without including in that the brother who shares that birthday.

TheSurgeonsMate · 28/04/2013 21:52

Title suggests YABU, but in scenario described YANBU.

They should have told you it was a party.

Having decided to ask you to the party, they should have told you when it was.

The cake thing was handled very badly, but could have been ignored if the circumstances overall had been more favourable.

Bowlersarm · 28/04/2013 21:52

YANBU-but only a little bit.

You are planning a joint party for yourself and your DH to celebrate your joint 40ths. Do BIL and ESIL know this?

You are planning your DH 40th party. She planned her DH 40th party.

Although it would have been kind and sensitive, and appropriate, had she acknowledged it was your DH's birthday too. I expect some of the guests were a little surprised he wasn't included.

QuintessentialOHara · 28/04/2013 21:53

Seems to me that both got what they wanted.
Bil got his party with friends and neighbours, and invited his brother.

His brother got it low key, as he wanted!

TheChaoGoesMu · 28/04/2013 21:55

YANBU. It sounds really odd.

onedev · 28/04/2013 21:55

YABU - sounds like he wanted his own party & is perfectly entitled to have that.

I'm surprised BIL didn't mention in advance that it was going to be a party but unless your DH stated that he wanted a quiet afternoon with his brother, how was he to know?

Xmasbaby11 · 28/04/2013 22:00

YANBU. Just very odd and quite rude. I think it is BIL who should have made it clear, though - he's the twin after all and should look out for his brother's feelings.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 28/04/2013 22:01

No YANBU at all. Very odd of your SIL. I appreciate twins are they're own people (I'm a parent of twins) but i would find this incredibly rude and just weird- I can't believe some people think this is ok Confused

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 28/04/2013 22:02

Their, even

ZZZenagain · 28/04/2013 22:03

I don't think was ok, just unkind really

TigerSwallowTail · 28/04/2013 22:05

When did you start talking about having the joint birthday party?

MorrisZapp · 28/04/2013 22:07

Not sure how its the wife's fault if the husband and his twin didn't communicate properly. I'm thinking YABU really. You can't say you want a low key birthday then complain when that is adhered to.

Chilliandbanana · 28/04/2013 22:09

YANBU - As others have said, it seems unkind and rude not to include your DH in the cake and singing. Very strange behaviour.

SundaysGirl · 28/04/2013 22:14

Hmm I'm a twin and I would have no problem with my sister having a separate party and so on.

But I would find it odd to be invited to her house on our birthday and think it was a joint lunch thing only to watch all that with lots of other people and birthday cake for just one person without a heads up.

It all sounds a little strange. Confused

CaptainSweatPants · 28/04/2013 22:16

It's mis communication btw your husband & his brother

As usual the woman gets the blame

Why you thought a party full of people should wait for your child's karate to finish before they can eat is beyond me

Perhaps they thought you werent bothered about coming as you made karate more important

Maybe sil thought her husband had explained to his brother a party full of people were coming?

Is bil & sil invited to your do?

lucamom · 28/04/2013 22:23

My middle son shares his birthday with his aunt (my SIL, brother's wife), and even at his first birthday we then lit candle/sang happy birthday to her aswell.

I would feel very rude knowing it was someone else's birthday too and not acknowledging it, more so when it's a twin.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 28/04/2013 22:30

Sounds quite shitty on their part to me. intentional mis-information so they can plead innocence.
YANBU Annie
What happened to your cake?