To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

[Mumoftwo88]

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.

Aibu?

OTTMummA, yes the debts are from his previous relationship with his exW.

CSA percentage is set at an amount the NRP is able to afford. It is not an accurate reflection of what it costs to care for a child. Truth is that £250 nowhere near covers half of what the child at the centre of this needs.

IMO the OP's bugbear should be with her DH.

One of my friends has a child who lives with her XP. I have known her go without food in order to pay maintenance because she believes her child comes first. I certainly have never known her go on holiday while her child goes without.

Ledkr, I have never implied that DSD will be brushed aside.

No but for example if I lost my job dh would have to feed and clothe dd wouldn't he? He wouldn't be able to say no sorry she's not mine.

It should be karma but its not, it works a bit like this.

Nrp's ( and only nrp's) wages,

Remove protected income ( a set sum for each resident child) then asses the rest

Off the top of my head its 15% for one dc 20% for two or more.

That % is what should be paid after a deduction is also made to account for nrp's who have a child they see overnight more than once a week ish.

Nrp can apply for additional deductions if they travel significant distance to get child for contact and if they have a disabled child residing with them.

If nrp gets any means tested benefits ( inc some army pensions) they get a flat £5 pw assessment.

Pwc cannot obtain a increase in payments if the child the assessment s made for is disabled.

The remaining sum is then split between each pwc dependant on how many children they have with the nrp.

I.e 2 pwc's one child each by the same nrp he gets a say army disablement pension ( not a disability benefit) assessment is £5 pw so each pwc gets £2.50 pw.

No matter what the csa asses as the amount to be paid even if its nil that's all the nrp has to pay and they cannot be compelled to contribute anything on top of that.

The ex will have to cut her cloth then won't she?!
Like everyone else who has had to.
Op has said they would pay for shoes/clothes etc if needed and the dad hadnt missed a payment, he shouldn't be subbing the ex for her share of raising their child, she could have taken out employment protection insurance to cover wages or tried to save a little each month, but nope clearly the answer is to wait until it all goes tits up and demand money from the op.
She could let the DD stay with her dad for a while, but she won't want to lose the minimum 330pm she gets.

Does the ex pay towards the debts at all?
Doubt it.

OTT if the debts were incurred during the relationship and the nrp no longer has the assets obtained by the debt he can get a csa reduction. ( not all debt is covered but lots is)

How is anybody working out that it costs more than £580 per month to keep one child? The government has set as a basic for one child approx £60 per week so by my reckoning the child in question is getting more than double that.

I suspect It would probably be more hassle than it's worth in some cases?

Because that's the absolute minimum it costs,we all know that it costs more than that

I would ask DSD's Mum whether she would be happy for your DH to reduce his payments if she gets a pay rise or if she got a new partner would your DH be able to stop paying all together.

Because if you reverse this situation this is exactly what she is asking/expecting of you.

You sound like you will contribute where you can and not see DSD go without which is fab but do you have to do this...No you don't and DSD's Mum has no right to make demands from you.

OTT is filling out 1 form and posting it.

Even on the maintenance and cb that makes £76 pw.
This money she is demanding is not for the DD really, it's for her lifestyle.

It doesn't cost more than £580 per month per child unless you have an extravagant lifestyle especially if necessities such as shoes are being provided above that amount though.

OTT the daughter may not want to live with her father ds would not want to live with his dad because this is his home

and employment insurance only covers you in certain circumstances

Do you have a partner with an ex partner and child by any chance

I meant the relationship side of things, trying to keep things amicable etc between disgruntled ex's.

I completely agree with the op and think she shouldn't fund anything she prefers not to.

But 70 odd quid being excessive money for a child's upkeep and obviously for mums lifestyle?

Seriously?

YANBU. I am sure her 'demanding' your income would be particularly grating!

However, agree that he's getting off easy with £250 a month. I am 36 yrs old. My father paid more than that per month when my parents divorced in the early 80s! And that was with them both having decent jobs. The RP (I'm assuming this means resident parent or so?) has to maintain a larger house than they'd need without the child, etc etc expenses, I'm just surprised at this assessment.

No, I have a 5yr old and 9month old with my husband (the father to both )
I could never get involved with someone who had children already though, not my cup of tea.
I am a step child though, do I am not completely unaware of these types of situations.

Green according to gingerbread the most frequent assessment made by the csa is £5 pw.

Something to do with nrp's who are decent not needing to use the csa.

Greeneggs both parents have to maintain a larger household because of their children unless the NRP has no contact or is willing to let the children sleep on the floor in a one bed flat. The starting point for most separating couples (barring abuse) is that there should be some degree of shared care and the children should be comfortable in both houses.

if you and your dh lost your jobs would you expect your children to go and live with aunts/uncles/grandparents I doubt it because they would want to be at home and you would want them there too

I think a lot of you are being very harsh.

I agree with Karma. The ex is probably just worried because she is now unemployed.

There is so much judging of the ex w. She should get a job, she wants the csa to fund her lifestyle, she should let the dd stay with exh oh but she wouldnt do that coz she wouldnt want to lose her money.

Id be pretty pissed off and annoyed if i found myself unemployed and saw my ex going off on holidays.

I didn't say it was excessive at all, but I do think it's enough to live on and provide clothing with etc.
When jobs get cut and money is tight you have to cut your cloth and make do.
What the ex is asking for is not hers to ask! Because it isn't for the DDs benefit, it's so the ex doesn't have to be too concerned about providing for herself.
She is getting a fair amount IMHO, I would be telling her that she should be putting more effort into getting a job than demanding money she isn't entitled to.