Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

468 replies

Mumoftwo88 · 26/04/2013 21:31

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.

Aibu?

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 26/04/2013 22:07

You shouldn't pay a thing.
If your DH can afford to help more without it resulting in you having to pay for more than your fair share then I guess that's up to him.
But,, it's not his fault that she is out of a job, maybe you could have DSD to stay more frequently? You would have to reduce Maintenence and could share the cb and any TC fairly. But I'm guessing she wouldn't like that, you probably wouldn't either.

CloudsAndTrees · 26/04/2013 22:07

Well, presumably it costs her more than £500 a month to keep a roof over her daughters head and pay all the bills and costs associated with being the main carer to her child, so your DH doesn't have a bad deal really.

What it comes down to is, does she need more money?

You make it sound as if you pay for absolutely everything in your household and your DH pays nothing. Is that actually the case?

Your DH has a responsibility to ensure his dd is provided for before anything else, and if you have to contribute to that by paying more towards the home you have so that he can do that, then so be it. That's part of the situation you created when you chose to have children with someone who already has a huge financial commitment.

Icantstopeatinglol · 26/04/2013 22:11

Yanbu. I never understand why people think the new partner should contribute. I'm not saying they shouldn't at all as I'm sure if you needed to or were asked to help out you would (depending on how you're asked etc).....but say they had never split up in the first place and if the mother of the dc lost her job the two as a couple would have less money which obviously is not ideal but just because he has a new partner why should she be 'expected' to contribute?

allnewtaketwo · 26/04/2013 22:11

Welljustcallhimdave - have you actually even read the OP? The NRP is not working therefore earns nothing. What proportion of zero do you think he should be paying?

WellJustCallHimDave · 26/04/2013 22:11

Cheers CloudsAndTrees, that's what I was trying to say.

WellJustCallHimDave · 26/04/2013 22:14

From the OP:
"She [the resident parent] seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in... "

Um, what was it you were saying about the NRP (i.e. the OP's husband) having no job and no money, allnewtaketwo?

SinisterBuggyMonth · 26/04/2013 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 26/04/2013 22:16

Softly softly you do realise that the £250 is the NRP share only? Therefore presuming the PWC is also contributing equally then that reaches £500. Then with child benefit reaches say £580. Plus any tax credits the PWC receives. Personally I think that's more than adequate to raise a child

KatAndKit · 26/04/2013 22:17

The costs of keeping a roof over your head and paying your bills are things that people have to pay even if they don't have a child. A non resident parent should not have to contribute half of the living costs of the parent with care

I bet if you lost your job she would not be suggesting that your DH temporaily stops paying maintenance.

LtEveDallas · 26/04/2013 22:17

If mum is struggling could DSD live with you until mum gets back on her feet? That way DSD can be safe and provided for and mum can concentrate on gaining employment without having to worry about her DD.

Dahlen · 26/04/2013 22:19

Where does it say the dad isn't working? THe OP says the mother has become unemployed and that the OP's household is a two-income household.

I sympathise OP. I've been in both sides of this debate - the parent who has no maintenance from the other parent, and the step-parent who's partner has a duty to a child. Not a value judgement but I ended up paying maintenance for my partner's child when he wasn't working because I passionately believed that as a married couple his responsibilities were my responsibilities and therefore his responsibilities towards his child were mine.

allnewtaketwo · 26/04/2013 22:20

Are you accessing the OP of lying Welljust? She says the NRP is recently unemployed. Last time I heard, unemployed people don't receive salaries

Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 26/04/2013 22:20

Clouds no not at all. We both pay towards the household expenses. He has a lot of debts that he is paying off so I have to try and cover most of it. We had no idea about what the future had in store regarding his ex's employment status. DH might be able to up his payments by a small amount, obviously not through the csa but voluntarily.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 26/04/2013 22:22

No, I wouldn't be paying extra. The mother needs to take responsibility and find a new job, not just expect to put her hand out and have her ex husband pick up the slack in her lifestyle. The only thing I would do is to make sure the child has what they need (shoes, school uniforms, school excursions, or paying for any extracurricular activities she participates in), but I would be paying those things directly, not giving money to the ex.

Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 26/04/2013 22:23

As much as it would be nice for DSD to stay with us more, I don't think her mum would allow it.

OP posts:
hopipolla · 26/04/2013 22:24

YANBU she sounds like a real moneygrabber, why on earth should a penny of maintenence come out of the OPs income. The fact she has lost her job is sad but she will have to cut her cloth accordingly not demand extra from the OP and her husband.

allnewtaketwo · 26/04/2013 22:24

Sorry I misread. But regardless, what had it got to do with the OP if the PWC is unemployed? Presumably there is redundancy pay and in any case, the state will treat the PWC as though no maintenance is being paid, so she's quids in from that perspective.

If it was the other way round and the NRP had lost his job, would the PWC be paying the NRP for maintaining the child while in his care? I think not

LadyBeagleEyes · 26/04/2013 22:25

I just hope his dd gets the equal that your dc get, and she doesn't lose out in anyway.
Her mum may get a job again soon, until then think of her.
Oh, and why are you helping pay his debts?

Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 26/04/2013 22:26

No, I wouldn't be paying extra. The mother needs to take responsibility and find a new job, not just expect to put her hand out and have her ex husband pick up the slack in her lifestyle. The only thing I would do is to make sure the child has what they need (shoes, school uniforms, school excursions, or paying for any extracurricular activities she participates in), but I would be paying those things directly, not giving money to the ex.

That's my thoughts exactly. Anything that DSD needs such as the things you list above, I would be more than willing to pay directly for them.

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 26/04/2013 22:28

Do you know, if this was a thread about an NRP becoming unemployed, posters would be advising the OP to go after his redundancy pay

Anonymous88 · 26/04/2013 22:28

I would never have my wages taken into account for partners children. He pays his maintenance (we have separate finances), all dealt with privately. As he's self employed they (they being partner and his ex) take each week as it comes as his wages can vary. Sometimes he can pay over what he would technically owe as he near enough has the kids 50/50, but then his ex buys everything such as clothing, toiletries etc...
The only way your wages could be taken into account is csa will assume as you're contributing to the household there's more disposable income on his part. For instance, partner's work has been very temperamental since Christmas because of winter, so some weeks he's earnt nothing. I haven't paid his maintenance as that's not upto me (besides, she's so dead set against me being a mother figure it'd be a bit cheeky to expect me to pay) but he has still paid more than he's had to (not ridiculously so) because I've contributed a bit more to the bills etc....which I don't mind.

Lj8893 · 26/04/2013 22:31

Allnewtaketwo.....the OP clearly states that the EW has recently become unemployed, not her DH (the father).

YANU OP, yes you knew what situation you were getting into when you married your husband but that doesn't mean his daughter should become your financial responsibility (although I'm sure you do provide for her financially, but you shouldn't have to give that financial support to her mother).

Hope it all gets sorted soon and she is lucky in gaining employment quickly!

KatAndKit · 26/04/2013 22:32

No, I don't think all posters would be saying go after his redundancy pay. There are plenty of people who have been on each side of this situation.
Anonymous 88, the csa no longer take household disposable income into account. They used to, but this is not the case now. It is purely calculated on the income of the non resident parent, regardless of what other money is coming into the house.

Dahlen · 26/04/2013 22:33

How easy is it going to be for the mother to find a replacement job when she has DSD to worry about? What childcare (if any) was she using before she lost her job, and did your DH contribute to that in addition to any maintenance?

Lj8893 · 26/04/2013 22:34

Sorry x post!