To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

[Mumoftwo88]

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.

Aibu?

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

Brutha well it doesn't mean sleeping on the floor, I recall sleeping on a sofa bed at my father's first apartment. He did eventually get his own house and did make an effort to have a room for me. Point taken, though.

Still think the figure is low.

[FreudiansSlipper]

I think she is probably in a panic too

[Icantstopeatinglol]

Benjamin, why would you be pissed off and annoyed about your ex going on holidays? It's not his fault his ex has lost her job. Yes it's a horrid situation and I think the main thing is making sure the child is looked after. He's still paying what's expected, why shouldn't he have a holiday? Would she stop all her plans if he was made redundant?

[grumpyinthemorning]

Yanbu, £250 a month is a fortune! I would love it if xp gave me that much!

Much as it is your dp's responsibility to provide for his child, it is also her responsibility as a mother to do the same. How would she manage if he didn't contribute? It is not his responsibility to keep a roof over his ex's head, only his child's.

[olgaga]

She has just lost her job and I suspect she's in a bit of a panic. Ultimately there are two of you earning, while she's on her own. That's how it's going to look from her perspective.

Your earnings are obviously not taken into account in the calculation of child maintenance which DH alone is responsible for, but his financial obligation to his other two children is. However, if she is worrying about how she is going to manage and is worried she will be too skint to replace necessities like shoes, school uniforms etc surely you wouldn't object to your DH providing them?

I don't really understand all this his money/my money stuff anyway. Going by what you say you seem to be paying for just about everything - mortgage, household bills, groceries, a car, your two children (having an extra child every other weekend surely can't add that much to your expenses), family holiday. So you are already contributing by alleviating your DH of these financial responsibilities.

It does make me wonder, what on earth does your DH contribute to the household if you are paying for all of the above?

Perhaps that's the real reason for your anger - and the fact that your DH's ex has pointed out that she might now need some extra help is simply the last straw.

At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.

I'd be more worried, if I were you, about being a meal ticket for your DH.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Of course its not hers to ask,and its very wrong to just expect it from a nrp's partner or to rudely ask. But I wouldn't blame her for asking the child's dad for a bit more.

The dc could do clubs or other stuff she wants to continue you don't know its to fund mum so its a bit unfair to just assume that.

[Arisbottle]

Legally you should not have to pay however you have chosen to make a life with a man who already has a child by another woman, you have therefore chosen a life of compromise. I am a stepmother and would not feel comfortable having a holiday that my stepchild could not afford to have. If I needed to chip in to support my stepson, I would happily do so.

[Mumoftwo88]

Benjamin, what if that holiday was one that your child was going on?

Should we just cancel it because his ex is now unemployed? What about if we want to go on a day out? Should we now stay at home every day because the ex isn't working?

I'm sorry but why should we put our lives on hold?

[LadyBeagleEyes]

olgaga, if that's the situation I totally agree.

[Arisbottle]

You are very unreasonable to speak about the mother of your husband,s child as that woman. My husband would never have married me if I had spoken of his ex like that and he would be furious if I ever did it now.

[OTTMummA]

Lots of people all over the world send their children to other family members because they can not afford them during unemployment.
There is nothing new or unusual about it.
People that do so usually have no choice about it as they are in abject poverty, that's the key really, they want the best for their children and try their best to find a solution (get jobs)
The ex seemingly would not agree to this, I would guess because in reality she probably can make do with what she's getting, she just doesn't like the prospect of having a lean few months out of work for herself which I can't blame her for, been there done that etc, but that doesn't mean she can request money as she pleases just because it's an easy way to supplement herself.
Op has said she would buy shoes/clothes etc so why should she expect more?

[Arisbottle]

It is not putting your life on hold but it is acknowledging that fact that hour husband have commitments that were there before you came along and therefore you cannot live in a vacuum. I would not Swan off on holiday if my stepson's mother was struggling, I would want to see that she too could have a break and if he wanted to stepson would be coming with us. In fact we have all gone on holiday together, DH, I, our children , stepson and his mother.

[Arisbottle]

You don't need a crystal ball to realise that if you enter a relationship with someone who has children you will be needed to constantly compromise.

[Bridgetbidet]

YANBU but I can understand that it might be difficult for the ex (and more importantly her DD) to live in very straitened circumstances while his 'new' family are going off on holidays etc.

Rather than you actually giving her money can you make sure that DSD is not overtly excluded from the better off lifestyle that your children enjoy? For example include her in the holidays, if your children have iPads, make sure she has one, make sure she can afford to go on school trips if you can, things like that? Perhaps make sure that she is clothed to the same standard as your children e.g. she's not in Primark while they're in John Lewis.

Little things, but it would make the differences less noticeable and therefore the whole situation less fraught.

[Icantstopeatinglol]

Thing is though Aris, all situations are different and compromise is fine if its compromise on both sides and not just one dictating to the other. My personal experience, and I know this isn't right across the board, has been that me and my dh were mostly told when and what we could do with dsd which made things very difficult. Compromise I would have been ok with.
As long as the child isn't going without essentials that's the main thing in this situation.

[Mumoftwo88]

DSD is coming with us on holiday. We are going on a family holiday. It's not me and DH swanning off together on a luxury break. It's a holiday for all 3 of the children to enjoy.

Booked pre current situation on ex's part.

And I think you will find I do acknowledge that my DH has prior commitments there were here before I came along. His ex receives £250.00 a month from DH, that is a lot compared to some. I have said that I will pay towards additional expenses, and I hope this will help alleviate the pressure off DSD's mum a little bit. But I shouldn't be handing over cash no way.

[BruthasTortoise]

Arisbottle does the same apply the other way round? If the child's mother find employment and the OP was made redundant would you expect the the child's mum not to go on holiday or treat herself and her child because her ex, the OP and their children were struggling?

[Mumoftwo88]

Hmmm, double standards eh? sigh

[BruthasTortoise]

Also the reality is that one of the child's parents has been made unemployed, the same thing is happening to families up and down the country and as a result they are having to tighten their spending. £580 + extras per month is enough to maintain a child to an adequate standard of living. If DH and I were spending anywhere near that per month on each of our children we would be in serious financial difficulties and both of us are in full time employment.

[AmberLeaf]

Its odd, because I can see why the second wife in this scenario wouldn't want to pay towards the childs upkeep, however, when the DH and 2ndDW have their children, the DHs CSA contribution goes down so effectively the first DW is subsidising the 2ndDWs children as she then has to cover the shortfall from the DH.

[fedupofnamechanging]

It's not just direct spending on the child though - it's maintaining a suitable home, possibly in an area that is good for schools, which might mean increased rent/travel costs to work or close to family for the free child care (seeing as how ex h isn't obliged to pay for that). Being a RP seems to bring with it a lot of indirect costs that nrp doesn't have to factor into their lives.

[olgaga]

OTT I think you're being a little OTT about this with your suggestion that the child should be sent away because her mum has lost her job and might need some extra help!

What leads you to believe that this request for extra help from the ex is because she is looking for "an easy way to supplement herself"?

The OP has given no indication that is the case. All the OP has indicated is that she is angry about the level of her own financial contribution to her own household!

[olgaga]

£580 + extras per month is enough to maintain a child to an adequate standard of living.

The ex has just lost her job. How do we know that this is enough when we have no idea what her outgoings and financial commitments are in relation to housing, utilities etc?

[Arisbottle]

Bruthas is a man or woman has left their child and then gone on to set up a new home they should ensure that the lifestyle of their existing children remains constant - or improves and that that they can give all of their children the same standard of living,

It is not up to stepson's mother to provide for my children, they are not hers and she has not chosen to set up home with their father. However my husband has children that all need to be treated equally and I have chosen to marry a man who already has children and therefore I need to accept that I will be the be to compromise