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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want DP to take a shower in the morning before work or just to wash at all?!!

76 replies

williaminajetfighter · 25/04/2013 07:06

My DP is 50 years old and in a well paid professional job. Over the last year he has stopped taking showers in the morning before work. Instead he sometimes just washes himself in the sink or not at all. He then douses himself with Right Guard deodorant covering not just his underarms but chest and bits.

He probably only has one or two showers a week and always at night.

This behaviour seems to stem from laziness as opposed to some ideologically about bathing frequency. He likes to jump out of bed at the latest time possible and race out the door - a shower would slow him down.

I am finding his behaviour puerile -- it's like living with a teenager not a grown man - and his hygiene lacking. He does not smell great. I have tried to raise this with him and he gets very angry. Thoughts??

Ps I don't think people do have to shower every day. i also think showering/bathing in the evening is ok but men do tend to sweat at night and a shower in the morning can really make a difference!

OP posts:

Original poster

williaminajetfighter · 25/04/2013 07:07

Sorry I meant 'ideology' not 'ideologically'...

OP posts:

Sirzy · 25/04/2013 07:08

Yabu to expect him to shower in the mornings but yanbu to think he should have a wash in the mornjng.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 25/04/2013 07:09

I knowers exactly how you feel. I'm often repulsed at just how long between showers there is with my dp. But then I'm an every day girl I can't not bath or shower. This whole twice a week thing actually makes me nauseous!

Men can be disgusting

HorryIsUpduffed · 25/04/2013 07:12

He showers once or twice a week, and you'd like him to double it? Sounds reasonable.

How does he respond when you suggest/request that he shower? Does he laugh it off or get offended?

Would he have a shower before bed instead? I take your point about night sweating but it would be an improvement. You could make a point of turning away from him in bed when he is getting whiffy.

It is unprofessional to smell of BO masked in product. Does his hair go scraggy? Could you pretend he looks younger when he is cleaner?

Original poster

williaminajetfighter · 25/04/2013 07:20

DP finds it irksome when I bring it up even though I'd want to know if I smelled! He shaves his head so less worry there.

I just hate that he always stinks like deodorant -- I'm not really swayed by the Lynx Effect!!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 25/04/2013 07:21

Isn't lack of personal hygiene one of the first markers of 'depression' ?

fluffyraggies · 25/04/2013 07:26

holly i was going to say the same thing.

When my DH is feeling down the first casualty is his daily shower. He freely admits it.

HollyBerryBush · 25/04/2013 07:29

Lack of personal hygeien and over/under sleeping - all red flags for stress/depression.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 25/04/2013 07:29

It's not always the case though. With my do it was always a case if he won't drag himself off the computer to do it at night and won't get out if bed in time in the morning. It's a bit better now has to help get kids ready but I've seen him go a week which is gross. Sometimes it's just laziness

AnyFucker · 25/04/2013 07:30

It is also one of the first markers of "lack of respect for your partner"

catlady1 · 25/04/2013 07:44

YANBU. My DP showers every other day, which I know is fairly normal, but he's a big bloke and he starts to stink. He only brushes his teeth once a day as well, his whole family do. Whereas I'm the other way and start to feel dirty as soon as I come out of the shower/bath. I do prefer to bath at night though, especially if I've got to be somewhere in the morning. I suppose its a bit different for men but I'd have to get up a good 45 minutes to an hour earlier in order to shower, dry my hair, style it etc. Plus at the moment we have a 5-week-old so its nigh on impossible for me to.shower when DP is at work.

EggsMichelle · 25/04/2013 07:49

My dp is the same, but it's more evident when he is going through a depressive spell, how is your dp in himself? Is he demonstrating low mood etc? Is he happy in his job?

ENormaSnob · 25/04/2013 07:54

Yanbu

Can you tell him the stench of lynx junk yard does nothing for your libido.

hotcrosbum · 25/04/2013 08:01

My dh is the same.

He 'talks' about having a bath on a sunday night and sometimes does, but most of the time doesn't bother.

We first moved in together one August - he had his first bath in that flat in the October. He was a mature student then, I thought that when he started work it would be different. It hasn't been, I wish someone at work would notice and tell him.

He douses himself in aftershave. It's horrible and it means I have to change the bedding every three days or it stinks.

I bath or shower everyday, I feel filthy if I don't.

MrsSpagBol · 25/04/2013 08:08

Sorry not helpful but I am genuinely surprised at adults who don't wash everyday.

ENormaSnob · 25/04/2013 08:16

Hotcros, how the hell do you shag him?

That is repulsive.

firesidechat · 25/04/2013 08:16

YANBU

My husband has a shower every morning without fail and sometimes a bath in the evening to relax. He is very clean! I think I would feel a bit revolted by a partner who smelt bad.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/04/2013 08:18

The lynx effect is foul, especially in older men. His colleagues are probably laughing at him for that.

We used to get occasional visitors to the office who reeked of aftershave, generally young men who were trying to hard to impress (and possibly didn't have GFs to tell them to tone it down) and we'd all, men and women, comment on it after they'd gone. Now I wonder if they were always as hyper-clean as I'd thought.

firesidechat · 25/04/2013 08:21

Oh and he is slightly older than your husband and is in a professional job. Also wears lovely, expensive aftershave in moderation.

Bunbaker · 25/04/2013 08:22

"but men do tend to sweat at night"

OH doesn't. He is not a sweaty person at all - he doesn't even need to wear antiperspirant even on a hot day. All his sweat comes through his feet. And yes, he does shower every day.

MrsDeVere · 25/04/2013 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madamecastafiore · 25/04/2013 08:27

Omg! Seriously? How do you guys go within touching distance let alone in the same bed as a man who does not shower at least once a day?

Wonder what bacteria would be growing in their groin area???

Can you all not withhold sex until they start having respect for you and themselves by making sure they are clean?

TheVDM · 25/04/2013 08:28

I usually shower every day as I am a bit of a sweaty guy, some people can get away with once a week but most start to ming a bit after a day or two.

I do suffer with depression on and off and that tends to see the end of the daily shower. Also when I am on holiday I tend to let go a bit.

I personally find that a shower in the morning goes hand in hand with my coffee addiction as part of the waking up routine.

firesidechat · 25/04/2013 08:31

I've just realised that my posts probably weren't the most helpful.

Your big problem seems to be that you have talked to him about it and he just got angry and, I assume, didn't change. Have you been together long? If you have and this is fairly new behavoir then I would agree with some other posters that he may be a bit depressed. How is he in other areas of his life?

Wishfulmakeupping · 25/04/2013 08:33

My oh thinks its weird I brush my teeth more than once a day- men are tramps

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