To be wary of this guys behaviour and what do I do / say?!

[GlassofRose]

Not a regular poster but I've recently had one date and could do with some input!! Am I unreasonable to be wary of this guy?! and what would you say to him?

Been single and plodding along for a while and got back in touch with an old childhood friend after bumping into him on a train (I'm starting to think you should never get back in touch ever haha). After about 3 weeks of chatting online, exchanging numbers, I thought he was all very much like me with same interests, humour etc so I okayed a date when he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet him "tomorrow" after work for dinner; Now comes the downfall!

I organised myself to be free and met him on way home from work thinking as we're up the city we'd get a drink / food. Easy right? He suggests dinner at mine Flustered I say I haven't got much in need to do a shop and lets just get something to eat out. End up having rather awkward conversation - half flows well but other half of him going on a tangent about whatever he's talking about. Thought maybe it was just nerves as he's quite an intelligent man.

Automatically I pull out my purse as the bill arrives because It's just natural to me look up and he's very slowly looking like he's considering pulling out his wallet, so I just hand over my card and pay for it and have done with it. Then he starts exclaiming how no woman has ever paid for his meal and is all beaming at me.

Rather awkwardly he ends up coming back to mine for a drink... how I allowed this I don't know. I certainly didn't utter the words come back to mine! Over a cup of tea, we have yet more awkward conversation and luckily the tele is on to diffuse it a bit. I seemed to learn all about his ex partners and at quarter to 12 I'm wondering when he's going to piss off so I say "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint he leans in to kiss me and I laugh and back away, he tries several times whilst trying to get my bra off! I stand up and say right well I need some kip if I'm ever getting up tomorrow and his reply "I suppose I can get the nightbus". In a bid to just get rid of him I say "I'll drive you" so at 4am I drive him home eyes hanging out of my head.

Oddest "Date" I've ever had and so taken a back by the events unfolding i really don't think I was my usual assertive and upfront self. I thought my body language etc was quite obviously a "No, thanks". Clearly he didn't read any of these signs and has been texting non stop. I've limited replies to the odd polite one, but still he advances with all sorts of crap. In fact at 5:30am this morning he sent 8 consecutive messages! Even pictures of himself after the gym, the sky... To his sky I replied " nice view, mine is my pillows because It's 5 fucking thirty am and I'm sleeping!" he replied "trying to tempt me in to bed you little temptress?"

What on earth would you say to a bloke like this? I'm dumbfounded. My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt. He may be academically intelligent but he's a social retard... what the hell do I say?!

Nasty and police* bladdy iphone

That's not autism. No way. For godlets' sake.

A man who was incapable of understanding fairly simple social signals like this: "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... would be having difficulties functioning as a lawyer.

If he'd become a lawyer despite that, he would most likely have been diagnosed by now as an adult. An Aspie intelligent enough to be a lawyer is one who would then ask the OP if she meant, "I'm really tired" in a polite way.

As it happened, the OP, actually then did express herself literally, and he still ignored it. So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint

He's a selfish git. It is possible he has ASD as well, because many people do, but the fundamental issue is that he's a nasty git.

I thought that was a really well worded email OP. Hope that's the last you hear from this arsehole.

I'm struggling to think how you would recognise someone on a tube that you hadn't seen since you were ten! I don't think I would recognise adults that I had last known as a child, how did that initial meeting go? Also how do you know he really is a lawyer?

Hopefully he'll clear off now. He sounds very bad at interpreting social signs but if I had a bloke in my house I wanted rid of I wouldn't go on about how tired I was but would say "I have work tomorrow and am tired so it's time for you to go goodbye". Also you don't have to invite a man into your house just because he has followed you home.
If he continues to harrass you after the clear email then phone the police but if you were responding to his texts in the middle of the night he maybe thought you were interested. Next time turn your mobile off when you go to bed and don't reply immediately to texts from men you aren't interested in.

Bluebell -

He looks like the adult version of his child self. I however think I look nothing like my ten year old self but he insists I do. On the tube I spotted him asleep on a chair and I laughed thinking that looks exactly like what's his name. See same guy on the train a few few times but thought nothing of it until I got a message from him on Facebook saying "is it you I've been seeing on the tube?!" I accepted his friend request and we got chatting.

The reason I'm sure that his lawyer status isn't fake is the lovely social work network LinkedIn... Which reminds me to go delete him off there. Hopefully I shouldn't bump into him too often because I work freelance.

Not reported to police yet, still humming and ahhing because I've had no contact since I sent the message thankfully

As a grown woman I'm well aware I don't have to let anybody I don't want in my home.

I never recall saying I responded immediately to his texts, what I do believe I said was that if I did respond to his texts at all then it wasn't in a positive inviting manner.

He outstayed his welcome, at the time I was rather taken aback and dumbfounded by his behaviour throughout the night which is why I wasn't as blatant and rude as suggested. Usually I'm an assertive, take no shit kind of woman. So it's very easy to say what you would do until you're actually confronted with a situation that quite frankly leaves you a little speechless and unnerved.

At the time and yesterday I was wondering whether he was just a bit of a socially awkward person, so I posted on here to get opinion from people who have no bias. Thinking about it, if I had said the "it's time for you to go" I'm not sure it would have gone any differently than it actually did because I'm inclined to believe he is a pig

Bluebell - good question how does OP know he is a lawyer?
So far as recognising him goes, I agree that is quite possible. I can recognise adults. Went to infant school with and I can also recognise toddlers I looked after in a Playgroup/nursery when they we're 2/3 and they are adults now.

I agree with you glassofrose. Very hard to say what you would do until you are in that situation.

I would probably done the same im not very confrontational and never would of saod can you go now. I would of gone for the subtle hints. Dont beat your self up over it op.

He may of backed off now. Hopefully that will be the end. But if he really doesn't get it after you emailing him I think going down the police route is the only option.

Please don't use the word retard - in any context

It brings you down to his level.

Well the Law Society should have a list online of solicitors with current practising certificates (I take it he is not a barrister), so it should be a simple matter of checking online to see if he is telling the truth about that if not. Might be a good idea from a personal security point of view to see whether he is a bit of a fantasist or not although I do know plenty of male arses of lawyers who have little in the way of social skills whom I could imagine behaving just like that

FFS.

I find myself getting very annoyed with posters now. Why are you questioning this woman? Do you not think that men can act like wankers?

All this cross-questioning and amateur sleuthdom gets on my fecking tits.

And I also have a HUGE problem with the way terms such as "retard", "autism" and "ASD" are being bandied about on this thread. Next thing you know someone will accuse him or the OP of suffering from a mental health issue.

Sometimes it's not so much what the OP posts but the responses to it that makes me fucking despair of the ignorance of humanity.

Wow I missed the glaring "social retard" phrase in the OP.

Not a great phrase.

The man just sounds pushy and creepy and worth giving a wide berth

Bluebell, so pleased that you asked that. Not because I didn't believe the OP, I do, but because I wouldn't recognise a single school friend and certainly not one that was 10 when I last saw them. It made me feel a bit inadequate and antisocial.

In my defence we did move around alot and it was a very long time ago for me.

Shit.

GlassofRose the word 'retard' is highly offensive and is prolifically used as an insult against people who have learning difficulties. Please do not use it again. Ignorance is no excuse to resort to such offensive terms.

To educate: Neither ASD nor Autism automatically turns people into stalkers. Having little social awareness is one thing, being a dick is quite another. It is wholly unacceptable to ignorantly suggest that such a dick might have either of these conditions. I suggest you educate yourselves more thoroughly so you don't have to resort to making such ill-informed comments again.

Victim blaming - It doesn't matter how polite her texts are, how she was dressed, whether she invited him back to hers or not, she is not responsible for the way he behaves. If someone burgles your home are you to blame for not surrounding with a steel fence and barbed wire? She knew the man from her childhood, she was put in an awkward situation and largely acted out of politeness. He took full advantage of that. Therefore he is the dick.

If you don't believe the OP then kindly report the thread rather than cast aspersions on it.

But even though the OP did use the retard, she is still not responsible for the actions of this man.

Either believe or report. Stop the bloody speculation. It's just horrible. Alll this over-the-garden-fence curtain twitching stuff.

I believe her. .have met a few men like this

I didn't read anyone as saying that they don't believe the OP. It all rings horribly true to me.

However I was genuinely curious about how she recognised him because I'm completely rubbish at recalling my childhood friends and constantly embarrassed that I don't recognise old faces.

Hope that's the last you hear from him.

What Rhubarb (and others) have said.

He's behaved like a horrible creepy sex pest, he's entirely in the wrong.

That's it.

seeker - was that addressed to me? I presume not as a large part of my post goes on about how she is not responsible for the choices he makes.

I think her current course of action is the best one for her. She has sent him a very blunt message indicating that her next course of action would be the police. She has told a friend and fully intends to inform the police should he respond to that message. So far he hasn't.

If she wanted to choose a course of action which is best for womankind, it would be to report it because if he behaves this way with you then chances are that he is a dick to all women he dates. Your report might stop him in his tracks or at least, if he does harrass another woman your report will help provide additional evidence against him.

I always fear that men who push their luck this way will end up taking full advantage of a woman one day. If these so-called 'minor' incidents were reported then it does make the job of prosecution so much easier.

Oh my...

Yes, I did call him a social retard. Did I mean to cause offence to anyone on this board? No. Did I mean to insult anyone with special needs/ learning difficulties? No.

I'm not "Ignorant". I spent 4 years of my life working with children who had a range of named disorders/needs that deemed them as having special education needs. The children I supported in education were ranging from deaf to having global delay and Autistic spectrum disorders. I wouldn't use the R word to describe any of those children neither would I compare them to the excuse for a man I had one awful date with.

On second thoughts I perhaps should have worded my post different but It was a quickly wrote spill of the guts and I quite frankly I didn't sit and think whether I'd be insulting others or even think people would think I was comparing the fucking whack job to anyone with genuine special needs or disordered behaviour.

So if I did insult anyone, I'm sorry. I didn't intend to and there was no venom in my post or mocking of special needs etc.

As for recognising him or recognising old faces - perhaps I'm not as old as some of you? (Obviously once again no offence meant). Perhaps I have a better memory?

As for checking whether he is a genuine lawyer? For what purpose. I've seen his graduation photos, bumped into him on his way home from the city and seen where he works as we were connected on LinkedIn.

Now if you don't believe me, that's fine. I came here for some genuine opinion because I had twat who wouldn't leave me alone. Thank you to those of you with genuine advice and concern.

No, it was directed at the mumsnet sleuths and the victim blamers. I was worried that the tide was starting to turn, so I wanted to add my tuppenceworth. Some people only need to find a chink and they are in there like cut price Poirots.

I always fear that men who push their luck this way will end up taking full advantage of a woman one day. If these so-called 'minor' incidents
were reported then it does make the job of prosecution so much easier

Thank you for that rhubarb, I never thought of it in that way. I shall actually pop into the local station and do this and just show them my phone.

OP I realise you didn't post the word 'retard' to cause offence but I'm surprised you still thought to use it given your revealed background. I too have worked with children who have had various forms of learning and physical difficulties and I have a brother who also has severe learning difficulties. I am fully aware of the offensive nature of that word. I'm just surprised that you are not. But I do accept that you did not mean offence. Sometimes out of haste we fail to engage our brains.

As for the rest of your post. Well said and fair enough. You should not have to face cross-questioning on a post clearly asking for advice. Some people have far too much time on their hands.

If anyone wants to see the damage that internet amateur sleuthing can do just go and see the Reddit images pored over by such detectives in the aftermath of the Boston bombing where Asian looking men have been circled and indicated as suspects because they were a) alone and b) "brown".

GlassofRose well done, you might just save another woman from being harrassed in this way or help to nail him if he does push the boundaries even further.