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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wary of this guys behaviour and what do I do / say?!

164 replies

GlassofRose · 24/04/2013 14:00

Not a regular poster but I've recently had one date and could do with some input!! Am I unreasonable to be wary of this guy?! and what would you say to him?

Been single and plodding along for a while and got back in touch with an old childhood friend after bumping into him on a train (I'm starting to think you should never get back in touch ever haha). After about 3 weeks of chatting online, exchanging numbers, I thought he was all very much like me with same interests, humour etc so I okayed a date when he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet him "tomorrow" after work for dinner; Now comes the downfall!

I organised myself to be free and met him on way home from work thinking as we're up the city we'd get a drink / food. Easy right? He suggests dinner at mine Confused Flustered I say I haven't got much in need to do a shop and lets just get something to eat out. End up having rather awkward conversation - half flows well but other half of him going on a tangent about whatever he's talking about. Thought maybe it was just nerves as he's quite an intelligent man.

Automatically I pull out my purse as the bill arrives because It's just natural to me look up and he's very slowly looking like he's considering pulling out his wallet, so I just hand over my card and pay for it and have done with it. Then he starts exclaiming how no woman has ever paid for his meal and is all beaming at me.

Rather awkwardly he ends up coming back to mine for a drink... how I allowed this I don't know. I certainly didn't utter the words come back to mine! Over a cup of tea, we have yet more awkward conversation and luckily the tele is on to diffuse it a bit. I seemed to learn all about his ex partners and at quarter to 12 I'm wondering when he's going to piss off so I say "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint Shock he leans in to kiss me and I laugh and back away, he tries several times whilst trying to get my bra off! I stand up and say right well I need some kip if I'm ever getting up tomorrow and his reply "I suppose I can get the nightbus". In a bid to just get rid of him I say "I'll drive you" so at 4am I drive him home eyes hanging out of my head.

Oddest "Date" I've ever had and so taken a back by the events unfolding i really don't think I was my usual assertive and upfront self. I thought my body language etc was quite obviously a "No, thanks". Clearly he didn't read any of these signs and has been texting non stop. I've limited replies to the odd polite one, but still he advances with all sorts of crap. In fact at 5:30am this morning he sent 8 consecutive messages! Even pictures of himself after the gym, the sky... To his sky I replied " nice view, mine is my pillows because It's 5 fucking thirty am and I'm sleeping!" he replied "trying to tempt me in to bed you little temptress?" Shock

What on earth would you say to a bloke like this? I'm dumbfounded. My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt. He may be academically intelligent but he's a social retard... what the hell do I say?!

OP posts:
GoSuckEggs · 24/04/2013 15:04

He sounds nuts! do inform police.

MansView · 24/04/2013 15:20

yeah, you need to tell him that you're not interested...he seems very creepy... :(

Crinkle77 · 24/04/2013 15:24

The only thing you can do is be blunt and say you are not interested then if he still persists get his number blocked. What a horrible experience for you.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2013 15:30

'I am not interested in you. Do not contact me any further.'

Then block. Don't wait and see if he pings back. Just get rid. Block any other contact details. If he knows where you work, make sure they know, too, so he doesn't try to contact you there somehow.

Ring police on non-emergency number.

He is intelligent enough to understand boundaries, he just doesn't think yours count for shit. That's what stalking is.

fluffyraggies · 24/04/2013 15:35

Bit late now as you've probably written it already but good luck, and yes, be blunt. A bloke you knew from 4 - 10 is a stranger.

I hope it wont come to it, but have it in your mind that this is the text that you can show the police as an unarguable ''i don't want to see you again - leave me alone'' text.

OrlaKiely · 24/04/2013 16:26

Expat, I was offering her an alternative to the blunt approach in case she is worried he might get aggressive in response.

when you have got someone of this calibre on your case you do whatever they will understand, whatever will make them leave you alone and that includes lying if necessary.

Now I have seen her further posts I think it's probably gone too far for anything but the police...I wonder if he has MH issues/ some kind of disorder. This behaviour is NOT normal.

LarvalFormOfOddSock · 24/04/2013 16:48

OP, some sensible advice on here but I'd also add that I think it would be a good idea to save the texts and keep a record of every kind of contact he tries to make.
I really hope that you never need to use it but should things escalate, you will get better support and more prompt action from police if you have the evidence all there to hand.
I hope it stops soon. Of course YANBU to be wary.

LarvalFormOfOddSock · 24/04/2013 16:50

Oh, sorry, I just realised CautionaryWhale already said that. Anyway, she's right!

Isabeller · 24/04/2013 16:59

It sounds like you have already said all you need to say.

I have changed phone number to make cutting contact possible. It was difficult and rather inconvenient but made it impossible for the person to contact me so I was free of the interference and didn't get triggered to worry about it every time there was a message.

It wasn't fair having to but was fairer on my nerves in the end.

Good luck.

ladythatlunches · 24/04/2013 17:27

Could you maybe say
' it was a nice catch up and seeing a old friend. Just hope you didn't think it would be anymore. Ive started seeing someone so thank you for offer of going out etc but things are going really well. Nice seeing you take care.

Nice polite to point?

expatinscotland · 24/04/2013 17:43

'Could you maybe say
' it was a nice catch up and seeing a old friend. Just hope you didn't think it would be anymore. Ive started seeing someone so thank you for offer of going out etc but things are going really well. Nice seeing you take care.

Nice polite to point?'

Read the entire thread, the time for nicey nice is long gone. In fact, the time for nicey nice was gone with the first date when he tried to press to go to her house.

And WTF? All this nice seeing you, nice catch up, take care and lies about seeing someone else? Bullshit. She did not enjoy the date, there was nothing nice about it. And nothing nice about his behaviour at all.

OrlaKiely · 24/04/2013 18:05

That's not the point though, with respect Expat. She doesn't owe him honesty either.

These are all suggestions, she can choose which she thinks will be the most effective at getting rid of the twat. No one is saying she has to lie - just that it is an option if she thinks it will work better for her.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2013 18:09

'That's not the point though, with respect Expat. She doesn't owe him honesty either.'

She doesn't owe him FA. But since he is stalking her, and she feels it's time to notify the police, the time for nicey nice, oh, thank you is over.

If she doesn't care to tell him to go away, then it's best to answer with nothing besides a note from the police.

FAR, far too many women become victims of individuals who don't respect their boundaries because they are conditioned to be 'nice' and 'polite', don't make a fuss, etc and even come in for blame when they encounter a stalker or an abuser, as well evinced on this thread.

OrlaKiely · 24/04/2013 18:12

true.

AmberLeaf · 24/04/2013 18:28

Yes, there is no requirement to be nice!

Why would you be nice to someone who was being, quite frankly, monstrous to you?

It wasn't nice seeing him, he isn't an old friend, or any sort of friend, he is a pest.

Someone like this man would have a field day reading into the text you suggested ladythatlunches.

'Do not contact me again' is sufficient.

thistlelicker · 24/04/2013 18:28

How
Have u got on op?

OrlaKiely · 24/04/2013 18:35

I think sometimes if you're not nice it can escalate and then they turn into proper bastards instead of hidden behind niceties style bastards.

I for one find it very hard to cope with aggression in the outright form

also some men WAIT for you to get angry because they enjoy it

and then they can blame it all on you

Nothing wrong with being assertive but it can be turned around - I prefer to act very calm and unfussed and polite, because then they don't get the gratification of an argument.

OrlaKiely · 24/04/2013 18:35

can you tell I have been there before.

OrlaKiely · 24/04/2013 18:36

I mean like this:

Man: pester pester pester flirt pester pester ignore wishes pester pester

Woman: PISS OFF

Man: Ah! I told you you were a bitch!

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged · 24/04/2013 18:41

Texts at 5.30am are the sign of an inconsiderate twat.

Smartieaddict · 24/04/2013 18:50

I would send him one more message saying you don't want any more contact from him, and that if you hear from him again you will be contacting the police. Then if he doesn't give up, ring 101 and report it. As others have said keep all the texts. Hopefully the threat of the police will be enough for him, but if not they certainly won't think you are wasting their time.

AmberLeaf · 24/04/2013 18:51

It doesn't matter if they call you/think of you as a bitch though!

I prefer to act very calm and unfussed and polite, because then they don't get the gratification of an argument

Maybe, if it is an argument they are looking for, but more likely it is that they are looking for a passive women too polite to assert herself when being bullied for fear of being thought a 'bitch' or thought 'not nice'.

I think sometimes if you're not nice it can escalate and then they turn into proper bastards instead of hidden behind niceties style bastards

They are bastards either way. A bastard is a bastard.

This thread shows that things can and often do escalate even when you are nice.

The problem is not how nice/not nice a woman is, the problem is men who are sex pests and stalkers.

It isn't about a womans behavior at all, it is about the man that does this sort of thing, the same as a woman isn't raped because she wore a short skirt or a nuns habit, she is raped, because she came into contact with a rapist.

In situations like this, nice is way over rated.

hollyisalovelyname · 24/04/2013 19:00

Could he be on the autistic spectrum?

AmberLeaf · 24/04/2013 19:11

Seriously? Hmm

He sounds like the typical, boundary stepping, doesn't care about what the OP wants, sex pest stalker to me. those things don't = autistic.

He could be autistic, but it wouldn't matter either way, he is stalking the OP and he needs to stop.

cuttingpicassostoenails · 24/04/2013 19:27

Hi OP.

When you were a child did you ever explore rock pools at the seaside? If you did do you remember the limpets that cling to the rocks? If you treat a limpet gently, try to ease it off the rock a bit at a time, push it a bit and pull it a bit it clings so tightly that you have no chance at all of loosening it's grip. The only way to get a limpet off a rock is to give it a sharp, unexpected blow...no pussyfooting about, just one swift kick and off it comes.

The same applies to unwanted suitors.