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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay?

115 replies

wellhellobeautiful · 23/04/2013 13:31

DP and I live together and his DS lives with us just over half the time. I'd say 60:40.

We're planning a two week holiday to a long haul destination over the summer holidays. DP is expecting me to go halves on all the costs but I don't think that's fair.

He also wants us all to share a hotel room. For two weeks I've said no way.

He thinks I'm BU because we're 'a family'. I just want my own bloody space and to enjoy the holiday I'm already forking out for.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 23/04/2013 13:53

What do you want to happen on the holiday? I understand that you don't want to pay for his DS (I assume your finances are separate?) but where do you want him to sleep? Alone in another hotel room? If so, I think YABU - he's 6. Can you get a suite so you hall have some space and privacy but he's also with adults? or book two rooms, one for you and one for DP and his DS

takeaway2 · 23/04/2013 13:54

blueberryhill OMG that will just kill her system...! very tempting though.....evil cackle

DamnBamboo · 23/04/2013 13:54

Quick question OP, if when your DSD (or partners son, whichever you feel more comfortable saying) is 13 and he asks you for a tenner. Would you say no, say yes happily and give it to him, or give it to him and ask for it back from your DP?

JaquelineHyde · 23/04/2013 13:57

If you don't like it get your own room, plenty of your own bloody space then. Angry

I think you need to either re-evaluate your relationship status or grow the fuck up!

TheSecondComing · 23/04/2013 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WTFisABooyhoo · 23/04/2013 13:58

damnbamboo your question is pretty irrelvant. a tenner isn't the issue and the child is six not 13.

Floralnomad · 23/04/2013 13:59

Actually bamboo you make a good point ,the OP does not refer to the child as her stepson but as her partners son . Probably very relevant.

oscarwilde · 23/04/2013 14:00

It doesn't sound like you feel you are a family regardless of what your DP thinks. I hope you are nicer to his son than you sound.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, which is that you posted in a slightly unreasonable huff - you've planned a lovely holiday for two weeks in a luxurious long haul destination. Lets say it's costing you £££. It didn't occur to you that Age 6, your DP's son will be treated as a full adult and now your expensive holiday is 50% more expensive with a child to look after and share a room with unless you want to spend even more £££. I can see why you would be uptight about this. Get over it or enter into a realm whereby you and your DP start accounting for everything. What happens when you have kids of your own?
Why not replan the holiday? Do something more family friendly with DP's son, and take an adult trip another time when you can leave him with his mother. Or, do long haul as planned but tone down your expectations. Or final offer. Send your DP and son to Centre Parcs and book yourself into a spa for two weeks. I don't see your relationship surviving it though.

everlong · 23/04/2013 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnBamboo · 23/04/2013 14:03

WTF not really.

It's a general question about her responsibilties towards and willingness towards a partners child.

I think you'll find the 'gut reaction' answer to that question (albeit not the scenario she's in yet), is highly relevant in the context of what the OP has posted about.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 23/04/2013 14:04

I don't think I'd want to spend 2 weeks sleeping in a hotel room with my DH and a 6 year old (hypothetical 6 years as we don't have a child yet - first is on the way). Presumably the child will be going to sleep earlier than you so if you are in a hotel room it's going to pretty difficult - what do those saying share a room suggest the OP and her DH does - sit in the dark and stay quiet once the child goes to sleep?!

Obviously the child is too young to have his own hotel room but what about a two bedroom apartment or villa so you all have your own bit of space.

If the finances are kept separately, as in bills split down the middle and each gets their own spending money which they spend separately, such as a meal out is split between the two of them, then I don't see why the OP should pay half for his child's holiday. They've chosen to keep finances separate. It is different if finances are pretty much shared; in that situation they should just split the total holiday cost between them.

everlong · 23/04/2013 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedFromLeeds · 23/04/2013 14:07

'what do those saying share a room suggest the OP and her DH does - sit in the dark and stay quiet once the child goes to sleep?!'

Welcome to parenthood Dreaming. There will be some sitting quietly in the dark Grin.

LtEveDallas · 23/04/2013 14:11

Dreaming, how do you think other families cope?

DD is 8. We've had a foreign holiday ever year since she was born. The first 2 years DSD came too - she was 10 when DD was born.

We all shared a hotel room. When DD was a baby she would sleep in the pram/pushchair until we all went to bed. As DD got older she stayed up.

DD is now 8, still shares a room with DH and I, we still go on foreign holidays (Egypt again this year) and we've never had a problem.

OPs issue is simply that she doesnt want to take this little boy on holiday - which is pretty sad.

MrsSpagBol · 23/04/2013 14:11

^^ Outraged the mental mage of that has just made me burst out laughing!

WTFisABooyhoo · 23/04/2013 14:12

oh i do get what you were aiming at bamboo, i could see what you were asking but atm we dont know how old this relationship is (4 months is different to 4 years) so the OP might answer that question differently now that she would 7 years down the line after living with this child for most of his life. also, i'm a parent and i could see how any of those 3 answers could apply (and be perfectly acceptable) depending on the situation. i dont think it's as simple as "would you give the child a tenner? your answer tells us all we need to know"

DragonMamma · 23/04/2013 14:12

everlong we had a 2 bed hotel room last year, worked well so no more creeping round in the dark once they were asleep although annoyingly the patio/terrace was accessed via their room so useless in the evening

Alwayscheerful · 23/04/2013 14:13

I can see both sides here.

If this is your only "holiday" is not really a holiday for you with a 6 year old in the same room, so perhaps two rooms and connecting doors are an idea- it will be more expensive and it might not be how you choose to spend your hard earnt money. Generally a child sharing the same room is free or greatly discounted & the "holiday" will be a family experience. Perhaps DP will consider a week away for just the two of you another time if you agree to the family holiday now.

An apartment might be a better type of holiday for all concerned, especially if funds are tight but will you will need to consider Kids Club facilities and babysitting services too.

You might prefer to forgo this holiday, let your DP have some bonding time with his son (in which case he foots the whole bill) and frees you to fund a holiday for two another time.

Only you can decide how much you need a real holiday and where bonding as a family of three ranks in your priorities.

Andro · 23/04/2013 14:15

Situations like this are what 2 bedroom suits are for!

mummytime · 23/04/2013 14:16

Dreaming I have had many holidays where evenings have been spent sitting quietly near the Ensuite's door, as the bathroom light is the only one good enough to read by! Kindles do make that easier.

It's why we liked cottages, tents etc more, or even the odd luxury of inter-connecting rooms.

ballinacup · 23/04/2013 14:16

This has to be a reverse AIBU, doesn't it? No one would really be as daft as to say that their DP's six year old, who lives with them, would ruin their holiday on Mumsnet, would they?

BlueberryHill · 23/04/2013 14:16

everlong, we don't use hotels unless they are a family room and we can have a separate part to it, I love having a glass or two of wine once they are all tucked up asleep in bed.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 23/04/2013 14:21

Hey, it was only my initial thoughts on the subject - I'm an inexperienced Mum to be who has somewhat of a learning curve ahead of her! Grin

I think I would probably always look to book an apartment so at least the child can go to bed in the bedroom and like Blueberry I could stay up and have a bottle glass of wine

LtEveDallas · 23/04/2013 14:25

Dreaming, or you may discover that your DC can survive 2 weeks of flexible bedtimes. I moan daily that DD is the incredible non-sleeping child, but on holidays it's a blessing Grin

DamnBamboo · 23/04/2013 14:27

Maybe WTF.

I just can't imagine my DSD asking me for money and me using different criteria to that which I would apply to my own children, to determine if I would give it to her or not.

Biology wouldn't matter, a bad attitude/manners and/or a stinky/untidy room would?

:-)