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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I stay or go ?

76 replies

Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:05

Long story short, moved to WA Perth because Mr M couldn't find permanent work in the UK, we had tried relocating within the UK, he worked away during the week came home at weekends, had Friday and Saturday, Sunday with his family and then on the way back down to where he was working during the week had a little fuck buddy on route which he attempted to shag - couldn't get it up five times apparently and then lost his job because he was up til all hours emailing her.

Some may remember that MrM went ahead of me to Sydney from the UK to spend 2 weeks job hunting there - upon his arrival the first thing he did was unpack his computer, join a dating site and meet some woman for a drink, before flying back into my arms in Perth. She wasn't as nice as her photo it would seem.
So fast forward from late July to November last year, he joined okcupid, had a few little online liaisons, no actual meet ups but decided to knock it all on the head 31st January 2013.
Unfortunately for him I intercepted an email from another liaison which had taken place in 2008.
So as you can see over the past 5 years at least my marriage has been a pile of shite and given that I had a nice house in the UK which I may just about be able to hang on to, I had a job, not many friends, but we had the security blanket of knowing we won't starve there.
Here in Australia literally nobody cares if the kids and I live or die. I haven't got a job as I fell apart with all this news, MrM's job is rocky and redundancy is threatened every week - i've concluded he is just a shite person in professional and personal terms, unreliable to say the least.
I want him out of my life.
BUT and here's the BUT, the kids are really happy.
And if I run back to the UK it'll be full of reminders of what he did, we'd be broke - not that we aren't here - and the kids friends no doubt have moved on.

Would you hang on in Australia and hope things turn out for the best ?
I've never been particularly happy here, wasn't amazingly there, maybe I will be without the dead weight of MrM hanging around my neck.

OP posts:
BrevilleTron · 23/04/2013 07:07

No. I'd come back.
After all that you've been through I would cut my losses and come back.
You only get one life. Your kids have years ahead of them and I don't think you will do them any damage by bringing them home.
Sometimes you gotta do what's right for you.

RedHelenB · 23/04/2013 07:10

5 years is a long time! When you say you have a house in the UK would that be the case if you split with your husband? If you would be happier in the Uk come back but bear in mind we're in a recession & unemployment is high.

Branleuse · 23/04/2013 07:12

I'd be on the first plane back

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:14

I think I can keep the house, not sure I should bother though in all honestly, it costs me nearly 400 quid a month to let somebody else live in it, seriously considering letting it get repossessed, it's not in my name.

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 23/04/2013 07:17

Are you still living with him over there?

CaffeDoppio · 23/04/2013 07:18

What does Mr waste of space M intend to do? Stay there? If so, and do correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't there issues surrounding you taking the children back to the UK? I think if you are able to you'd be best off returning - kids are amazingly resilient even though we tend to think they're not. They'll soon make new friends and slot into a different kind of life. They need a happy unstressed Mum over and above the perceived need for stability in their social lives.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:19

I am, have no choice whatsoever, can't pay the rent without him and the amount he would have to give me in child support wouldn't cover the food bill for the month.
He would stay if I came back and I would get about 1400 a month in child support from him.

OP posts:
Onetwothreeoops · 23/04/2013 07:19

I can't tell how long you've been in Australia from your post but if its any help we were there as a family for seven months and when we came home it was like we had never been away.

In your position I would definitely come back. The kids will adapt and you will at least have a house, friends, familiarity and potentially more opportunity to work in a familiar field (assuming you were working before going/having kids).

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:20

He wouldn't stop me taking them, he knows he can't support them on his own, neither of us can live if we split, the eldest wouldn't stay with him.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 23/04/2013 07:20

Aww Mosman, I didn't realise you h had done all of those things. He's truly awful.
Do you still own your house in the Uk?
Would you be able to get back into your job in the Uk?
If yes, then I'd be on the first plane back!

NoelHeadbands · 23/04/2013 07:22

In that case I can't see that you have any choice. You must come back, you can't stay with him.

LindyHemming · 23/04/2013 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:23

I think I could get a job for about 35,000 in the UK which with the child support would mean financially we'd be fine, here on $200,000 things were tight.
It's the kids and the fact that if we go back we've blown all our remaining savings for nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:24

My worry is Euphemia we aren't permanent residents so if he doesn't work, we don't eat as simple as.
The only other thing I could do is make him stay home with the kids and I'd have to support him, nothing new there then.

OP posts:
Onetwothreeoops · 23/04/2013 07:26

Mosman he doesn't deserve your support.

pregnantpause · 23/04/2013 07:27

I would return to UK, and potentially lose the house. Presumably it is his, if it's not in your name? So by living there you are paying his mortgage and helping him keep an asset, while you are reminded of his godawful behaviour forevermore living in the house you presumably shared while he share all over your marriageAngry
If you can leave, do. DC are adaptable, and will more likely be happy where your happy. staying, unhappily, will eventually be picked up by dc.

pregnantpause · 23/04/2013 07:28

Shat over your marriage. Auto correct

BeckAndCall · 23/04/2013 07:30

No doubt you should live HIM but do you want to leave AUs? Is it Aus that makes the kids happy or your DH? Could they still be happy being in Aus if they only saw their dad once a fortnight, for instance? In your imaginings, try to picture if they.dbe happy in Aus not seeing him as much as they do now.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:34

If I stayed in Aus they would be with him 50% of the time, three days one week, four days the next in theory but the bottom line is without the childcare rebate that only permanent residents get all of my wages would go on childcare so we'd be left with DH's salary to run two homes with when it currently doesn't even cover 1.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:35

I can't see how MrM makes them happy to be honest it's been one stressful nightmare after another for the past 5 years, yes he plays with them but I could hire a manny to do that or a clown, or buy them a dog and they'd be just as happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:36

The younger two do have friends here though, which they didn't have many of in the UK, baby's not bothered, eldest would be packed in half an hour if I said we were off.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 23/04/2013 07:37

Come back.

Hissy · 23/04/2013 07:42

Come home love. If the kids want to go and live in Aus, they can do so in the future, especially if your 'H' stays there.

You don't have the support/infrastructure to stay there. YOU need to be happy, YOU do. The kids will be happy if you are.

come home!

mumofweeboys · 23/04/2013 07:42

I have moved around a lot. In your position I would br moving back to uk. It sounds more secure and never underestimate family support when you are solo parenting.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:45

I don't really have family support in the UK other than wait for it ..... His mother lol
She'd be willing to have them over for a sleep over from time to time.
I have apologised profusely to that woman for all the misdirected anger that's been hurled in her direction, poor cow - although she did spawn the tosser so maybe some of it is justified.

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