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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I stay or go ?

76 replies

Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:05

Long story short, moved to WA Perth because Mr M couldn't find permanent work in the UK, we had tried relocating within the UK, he worked away during the week came home at weekends, had Friday and Saturday, Sunday with his family and then on the way back down to where he was working during the week had a little fuck buddy on route which he attempted to shag - couldn't get it up five times apparently and then lost his job because he was up til all hours emailing her.

Some may remember that MrM went ahead of me to Sydney from the UK to spend 2 weeks job hunting there - upon his arrival the first thing he did was unpack his computer, join a dating site and meet some woman for a drink, before flying back into my arms in Perth. She wasn't as nice as her photo it would seem.
So fast forward from late July to November last year, he joined okcupid, had a few little online liaisons, no actual meet ups but decided to knock it all on the head 31st January 2013.
Unfortunately for him I intercepted an email from another liaison which had taken place in 2008.
So as you can see over the past 5 years at least my marriage has been a pile of shite and given that I had a nice house in the UK which I may just about be able to hang on to, I had a job, not many friends, but we had the security blanket of knowing we won't starve there.
Here in Australia literally nobody cares if the kids and I live or die. I haven't got a job as I fell apart with all this news, MrM's job is rocky and redundancy is threatened every week - i've concluded he is just a shite person in professional and personal terms, unreliable to say the least.
I want him out of my life.
BUT and here's the BUT, the kids are really happy.
And if I run back to the UK it'll be full of reminders of what he did, we'd be broke - not that we aren't here - and the kids friends no doubt have moved on.

Would you hang on in Australia and hope things turn out for the best ?
I've never been particularly happy here, wasn't amazingly there, maybe I will be without the dead weight of MrM hanging around my neck.

OP posts:
Hopasholic · 23/04/2013 07:56

Hi Mosman
I feel youve put up with more than enough already. You need to do what's right for you.
Is there any equity in the Uk house? Could you sell it? If its repossessed, you'll not be able to buy again for the foreseeable
Could you live in it but take in a lodger for some extra income?
He's not going to change his ways and the stress you must be under living with him is just going to impact on your health.
Be kind to yourself Flowers

TeWiSavesTheDay · 23/04/2013 08:13

Come back.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 08:13

No equity and not in my name at all, so no impact on me aside of not having a deposit and a high enough income, I guess that's another plus in Australia's favor they do offer lots of help to permanent residents to get them into their own homes.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 23/04/2013 08:18

Come home. The kids can be happy again here - and so can you.

LifeSavedbyLego · 23/04/2013 08:24

Come home. The eldest kid wants to the youngest are young enough to adjust easily.

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2013 08:30

Come home mos x

Post in relationships for advice re protecting yourself during a divorce.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 10:44

Honestly aside of his pension, i'm getting 50% of that there's feck all to argue over.

OP posts:
jacks365 · 23/04/2013 10:52

Come home mosman we're all here to support you. We'll be your friends and family and if you need a good winge about the h then my door is always open and kettle is on.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 11:53

Thank you Jack, it's probably more than I deserve, you lot have stopped me burying him in the outback already !!

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 23/04/2013 12:01

You've probably done this already but a list of pros and cons is always useful. Right now, it is difficult to see very good reasons to stay but sometimes a list makes things all the more obvious.

To be honest, the serial infidelity of your husband would take a hell of a lot to overcome anywhere but I can't help thinking that life would be a lot easier without him back in a familiar country. Is there anything that Australia can really offer you apart from your younger dcs's friends? If not then I'd book the flights home and start again without the burden of your 'd'h and his antics.

RedHelenB · 23/04/2013 13:41

But if by moving back it means the kids don't see their Dad AND they are happier in Austrailia then I personally would stay a bit longer. If it worked out that he hardly saw them once you've split THEN I would move back.

quoteunquote · 23/04/2013 14:12

He's a twonk, but he will still be a twonk if you move back here,

If you can find a way to build a new separate life in Oz, then the children will have less change to deal with,

But only do what you can, good luck.

Original poster
Mosman · 23/04/2013 15:45

He will still be a twink - but a twink with a job that actually supports his kids for the first time in his life, oh it's so hard.
I have friends here too, it's so hard, am a bit phished

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 24/04/2013 07:14

Don't rush your decision then. If you have friends in Aus the split up, accept their support & in a year or so's time when you see how things have panned out ( ie he may disappear off with the latest woman & not be around for the kids or conversely you may get on much better apart & he be there for the kids)you maybe could come back.

Flisspaps · 24/04/2013 07:19

I don't think it's going to help to let the kids settle there more, that's going to make it harder to leave in a year or whenever.

It's not just about the kids being happy, you need to be happy too. Are you going to be happy in Aus, knowing you'd gone there to be with a man who has repeatedly shit on your marriage? Is being stuck on the other side of the world from 'home' going to make you increasingly resentful and miserable - which WILL rub off on the kids?

RedHelenB · 24/04/2013 07:30

Sorry, but taking the kids the opposite side of the world to their father is not a decision that should be made in the heat of deciding that he is a shitty adulterer! After bereavement they advice waiting before making major changes & divorce is like bereavement. So the dad sdoes what he wants to be happy, you are advising the mum to do the same but what about the children!!??

OP has said she's got friends in Aus as have the kids. There is absolutely no need to rush things, waiting a year or even longer would not make much difference but would more likely result in the right decision being made.

hazchem · 24/04/2013 07:52

Mosman we have been on several thread as I too moved my family to Australia last year. I don't think we have always seen eye to eye on the cost of living. I have watched your transition to life in Australia and you really have been dealt a shit hand.

I know you say you were not entitled to any assistance but have you been into your local Centerlink Office? We arrived fully away that OH was not entitled to any assistance. However we went to register his arrival and our son and the legislation around the payments has changed from the time the visa was issued September to when we arrived October. This might be worth a shot as you would have a little financial independence and that may give you more space to make the decision.

I can't really offer anything more practical then that. I wish you were East Coast as I'd be able to offer a friendly face and a cuppa.

Original poster
Mosman · 24/04/2013 08:23

The trouble is how do I keep the roof over our heads and food in our bellies in that year ? He's most welcome to come back to the UK too, nothing stopping him other than he is better off in Australia, ironically there are probably less women in Perth though so no doubt he'd turn up on the doorstep at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 24/04/2013 08:25

I'm still not sure what to do really, I have a job interview this afternoon maybe that'll clarify things for me, at least stop me thinking about it all the time.

OP posts:
iluvkids · 24/04/2013 10:00

Good luck for the interview

hellsbellsmelons · 24/04/2013 10:10

Good luck - fingers crossed for you!

iluvkids · 25/04/2013 12:50

How did it go?

Original poster
Mosman · 25/04/2013 13:41

Really well, I painted the smile on my chops and have a second interview tomorrow, Friday when hopefully ill be offered the role :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 25/04/2013 13:42

Thanks for asking - he asked but then he's mentally deducting my salary from the child support he'd have to pay - I'm going to save so we can travel around Australia a bit then catch a flight home I think.

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 25/04/2013 14:02

Are you allowed to come home to England? I know there are some rules around it - ie. if your husband doesn't want you to take his children back to the other side of the world, you might not to be allowed.