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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I stay or go ?

76 replies

Mosman · 23/04/2013 07:05

Long story short, moved to WA Perth because Mr M couldn't find permanent work in the UK, we had tried relocating within the UK, he worked away during the week came home at weekends, had Friday and Saturday, Sunday with his family and then on the way back down to where he was working during the week had a little fuck buddy on route which he attempted to shag - couldn't get it up five times apparently and then lost his job because he was up til all hours emailing her.

Some may remember that MrM went ahead of me to Sydney from the UK to spend 2 weeks job hunting there - upon his arrival the first thing he did was unpack his computer, join a dating site and meet some woman for a drink, before flying back into my arms in Perth. She wasn't as nice as her photo it would seem.
So fast forward from late July to November last year, he joined okcupid, had a few little online liaisons, no actual meet ups but decided to knock it all on the head 31st January 2013.
Unfortunately for him I intercepted an email from another liaison which had taken place in 2008.
So as you can see over the past 5 years at least my marriage has been a pile of shite and given that I had a nice house in the UK which I may just about be able to hang on to, I had a job, not many friends, but we had the security blanket of knowing we won't starve there.
Here in Australia literally nobody cares if the kids and I live or die. I haven't got a job as I fell apart with all this news, MrM's job is rocky and redundancy is threatened every week - i've concluded he is just a shite person in professional and personal terms, unreliable to say the least.
I want him out of my life.
BUT and here's the BUT, the kids are really happy.
And if I run back to the UK it'll be full of reminders of what he did, we'd be broke - not that we aren't here - and the kids friends no doubt have moved on.

Would you hang on in Australia and hope things turn out for the best ?
I've never been particularly happy here, wasn't amazingly there, maybe I will be without the dead weight of MrM hanging around my neck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 25/04/2013 15:44

He has said he wouldn't stop me, he knows he cannot support me and live somewhere else within Australia without the kids suffering.

OP posts:
greenformica · 25/04/2013 15:59

Your kids will settle what ever you do. It might take a year or two but it could be worth the upheaval.

Where will you be most supported? Could you ever be happy in Oz? Have you painted the UK with a rosy glow?

lambinapram · 25/04/2013 16:13

I would get back to the UK asap if he won't stop you taking them now. A few months/years down the line he may change his mind and then you may not have a choice.

Mail link i know...read the bit about habitual residence:
www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2202607/Custody-battle-My-ex-used-power-law-tear-daughter-away-me.html

Justforlaughs · 25/04/2013 16:19

It sounds like you are looking for justification to come back, you don't need it. If you feel that you would be better off here, then do it. Things aren't going to get easier if you stay over there, they might improve if you come back. Your DCs will adjust far easier than you might think.

jacks365 · 25/04/2013 16:35

Just to put your mind at ease because your children are not Australian citizens you would be able to bring then home.

Best of luck with the job.

hazchem · 26/04/2013 03:41

Hope the 2nd interview went well.

I used to work in the Child Support Agency, at the time your income isn't taken into account in terms of how much he needs to pay. It's his taxable income that is taken into account and how many days/nights he is looking after them. Just something to check out and really do look into Centerlink. You might stick it lucky.

The saving and having a really good holiday sounds like a great idea.

Original poster
Mosman · 26/04/2013 04:31

We can't get a cent in help hazel, even though my eldest is actually Australian because we were on a 457 visa and that's been cancelled. We were under the impression that his company were sponsoring us for PR, it would seem they want us to pay for that which is impossible.
The long and the short of it seem that if I stay in perth and had 100% care I would get $2,000, struggle to work and be unable to live.
If I go back to the UK that $2,000 goes a long way, I could claim benefits if the worse came to the worse and I'd be in my own house and I think eventually I'd get a job and get sorted.
Obviously is rather he was hit by a bus for the life insurance but you can't have everything can you ?

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 26/04/2013 04:39

If your visa has been cancelled don't you have to leave anyway within 28 days?
I have seen many of your posts and it does not seem as if you have been very happy in Aus. Not surprising with a h like that. I think you need to decide where you will be happiest living as a single parent. If he will let you take the kids back to UK I would do that now so that all the big changes happen at once and you can rebuild your lives. The kids will find their way back as adults if they want to.
Well done on resisting the ouback murder option!

Original poster
Mosman · 26/04/2013 04:50

I think that is the official stance but DIAC have bigger fish to fry and since his pr thing is going through anyway they aren't interested in us.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 26/04/2013 05:09

Go home Mosman, you haven't been in OZ that long, if the kids go back to their old school they will probably just slot right back in with their friends.
You will probably find his mum bending over backwards to support you if she knows what a dick he's been.
We are heading back after 20 years I've got the colly wobbles big time. Not sure why it's harder to move to home to UK than it was to move away, and want to go.

SquinkiesRule · 26/04/2013 05:10

Oh and get it in writing that you can take the kids back to UK just in case he decides to screw it all up.

Original poster
Mosman · 26/04/2013 06:02

I think he understands and can see its better for the kids, whether the middle one would agree I don't know but the thing he keeps coming back to is once we have pr it would be bearable again, but how long do I wait and see ? I feel like I've been living a lie for five years already.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/04/2013 07:13

I am gobsmacked about how casually people on this thread are about taken the kids away from their Dad!
My ex put me through hell the year we split BUT the kids love him & need him.

I'm not saying never come back but please don't think that "the kids will adapt" "as long as Mum is happy" makes up for things!

Hissy · 26/04/2013 07:40

If we read the posts on Stately Homes threads, having a happy mother, free from twuntish behaviour, and in a stable happy environment really makes a difference.

Sticking dreadful situations out 'for the kids' is what can really adversely affect their emotional development.

This situation has been going on for a LONG time, it's not flippant to say come home, it's sensible.

Original poster
Mosman · 26/04/2013 08:54

The father in this case has completely ducked with my girls head he is poor example of a man for them to grow up with

OP posts:
iluvkids · 26/04/2013 10:41

Congrats on being offered a second interview

Flisspaps · 26/04/2013 12:02

Perhaps MrMos should have taken that into consideration before repeatedly shitting on his marriage from a very great height and moving his family to the other side of the world, RedHelen?

Original poster
Mosman · 26/04/2013 13:24

Quite. He knew about all this when we moved. I did not.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/04/2013 13:27

I am not sticking up for him BTW but I still think you shouldn't rush things for the sake of the kids. And yes, kids would rather see a twuntish dad than not see him at all.

Original poster
Mosman · 26/04/2013 13:42

They would still see him, hell I'd insist on it, if we stay I want 50/50 in Australia and if we come home I'd make them Skype every day and he'd come home himself eventually if he misses them and if he doesn't then I've got my answer haven't I ?

OP posts:
iluvkids · 28/04/2013 20:29

How are things? Have you accepted the job?

Original poster
Mosman · 29/04/2013 01:11

I didn't get it, which knocked my confidence a bit. I'm going to hang on until we get permanent residency which at least then keeps doors open for the future and see how I feel in July. August feels like the cut off pint which is still 3 months away, so much can change in that time.

OP posts:
oldnewmummy · 29/04/2013 01:16

I'd be careful - I understood it was the gaining of PR that makes it difficult to take the kids away without the father's permission. You might want to get some proper legal advice.

Original poster
Mosman · 29/04/2013 01:43

He won't stop them leaving and if he tried he doesn't have the financial ability to so anything anyway. If there's one thing I've learnt over the tearsxits that the law only applies if you have the money to enforce it.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 29/04/2013 06:54

Sounds sensible Mos. Things will work out but a
sometimes it's a hard slog getting to that point so you have to enjoy what bits of the journey that you can!

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