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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to expect DH to come to my friends wedding?

27 replies

sheepflower · 22/04/2013 22:25

An old school friend I am close to invited us to her wedding. When I told DH he said he wasn't going and DD and I can go our own. We haven't been getting on that well for a while but are having counselling and I thought things were improving.
Maybe IABU to automatically expect him to come. They are really 'my' friends although DH has also known them for over 10 years now. There's no argument between the friends and DD but I suppose he doesn't like them as much as I do and they're not particularly close. But even so, seems a bit of an odd reaction and left me a bit gobsmacked.

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 22/04/2013 22:26

I'd say fine, if you're not going then our child can stay with you and i'll go on my own.

CloudsAndTrees · 22/04/2013 22:29

YANBU, but it really depends on where you are at with the counselling. I can understand someone not wanting to go to a wedding for people they don't particularly like when their own marriage is having problems.

TeeBee · 22/04/2013 22:30

Oh, I really hate weddings, and I particularly hate weddings of those that are just dh's friends. However, if he wanted me to go with him I wouldn't refuse. But I would bite his hand off if he said I didn't have to go.

Original poster

sheepflower · 22/04/2013 22:49

DD will want to go as she is friends with their DD.
Maybe what hurts is he said 'I'm not going'. Rather than 'I don't want to go' or 'Do you mind if I don't come'.
I have been to his friends weddings, I wouldn't think twice to say no and I'm not a particularly weddingy person, I just think it's what you do when you are in a relationship. You go to stuff together.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 22/04/2013 22:58

I just think it's what you do when you are in a relationship. You go to stuff together.

Some couples do stuff together a lot, others don't all the time. In our house, it wouldn't be at all weird for my DH not to come to one of my mate's weddings, though he'd have the option. I wouldn't expect or require it. Vice versa would be the case too.

It doesn't sound like things are good between you, plus, maybe the fact that you thought things had improved and he obviously doesn't is another issue? Weddings at the best of times can be tedious. I went to a wedding before with a BF things were shaky with and it was awful, I wouldn't recommend it. It's a long bloody day!

I think go yourself.

ApocalypseThen · 23/04/2013 06:41

I don't think the fact that weddings can be tedious is really a reason to give a flat-out, no compromises refusal like that. Sometimes, in a relationship, you have to stretch yourself and do things that you might find a bit dull for the sake of give and take.

OP, is this something that might come up in counselling? This non-negotiable I-does-what-I-wants thing, is it a pattern?

Original poster

sheepflower · 23/04/2013 07:57

Thanks for replies. I don't mind going on my own, I quite often do these days so I guess it is a pattern, I just think it's odd. I agree different people have different expectations of relationships, one of the problems between us is communication, we should probably discuss things like this. Also the counselling led to the conclusion that we are both just doing our own thing and need to do things together.

OP posts:

Dumpylump · 23/04/2013 08:02

Do you have another counselling session before you need to RSVP? Perhaps if you can tease out why he's unwilling to attend, he might reconsider, or at least you'd have a better understanding of his refusal.

Boredwench · 23/04/2013 10:23

YABU

You might think it's 'odd' that in your partner wants to refuse going and that's it's a social norm for couples to go together, but that's your opinion, it's not fact. I don't see the issue here, you state he doesn't know them very well so why drag him along to something he's clearly not going to enjoy? When your own relationship is going through a bad patch being forced to play happy families and sitting through someone else's dream day is a pretty tactless thing to inflict on your partner.

I honestly don't understand why some couples are unable to do things without each other, it's pretty harsh to expect him to attend no questions asked and then put down his refusal as odd behaviour. Many of my friends go all the time to weddings without their other half, especially those weddings where only one partner knows the happy couple.

You've gone down the route of saying your counsellor saying you should do things together....that doesn't translate into saying you should do 'all' things together. It's bit of a cheap tactic really to use that.

Sorry to be blunt but I'll call it straight out that you're putting your own needs and desires above his and by emotionally trying to nudge/steer him into making the 'right' choice is going to do neither of you any good. Go out and have a good time rather then ruining your day constantly worrying how much the OH's enjoying it.

KobayashiMaru · 23/04/2013 11:18

It is her opinion, and her relationship, so her opinion is the valid one here.
He's putting his needs and desires above hers by refusing to go, as opposed to discussing whether he goes or not.

Boredwench · 23/04/2013 11:39

Well if it's only all about her opinion etc....then why post on here??? This forum is for other MN users to ask if they're being reasonable or not...not just for only opinions that agree with them, otherwise it becomes a glorified hand holding exercise.

We're only getting one side of the story, so forgive me if I'm not instantly on the hand holding path. I appreciate he was allgedly blunt to say he's not going...but we don't know the context that comment was delivered in, there's a difference between saying it coldy, and saying it respectfully. We don't know how he was informed of the wedding, the OP may of more 'told' her husband as opposed to ask....too many variables that are unknown.

He reserves the right to not attend as she's not in control of him, the crux of this matter seems to be the way that was conveyed. She can argue/debate all she likes with him, but fundementally if he doesn't want to go the nshe can't force him, and if she was to force him then that's her putting her needs above his. There clearly can be no 'winners' in all of this, but it does tend to be the default MN's position of always making the wife the 'winner'. We don't know enough about the situation, and putting aside complex relationship Idiosyncrasies we're not privvy too, we can only realistically go on the bare facts, and to me says she can't control him and he's perfectly within his rights to decline. The OP is asking her expectation of him to go is unreasonable...in short his decision, it now seems the arguement is moving on to how he informed her and this beyond the scope of a AIBU yes/no question.

iloveweetos · 23/04/2013 11:40

Just talk to him and just put across how you feel and ask how he feels, why he doesnt want to come. You wont lose out by doing this. But if he doesn't want to come, you cant force him.

I know how you feel, i would want my DP to come to weddings with me after we get married.

Its one day. I would understand if we had weddings left right and centre, but if its here and there, i dont think you're putting him out too much to expect him there.

Original poster

sheepflower · 23/04/2013 14:55

I'm certainly not going to force him to go if he doesn't want to. I just don't really understand why he wouldn't want to, obviously up to him but I'm going.
Its not going to be a big formal frou frou affair, more registry office and then buffet, and knowing them they won't care what we wear or expect a gift.
We hardly ever get invited to weddings (about once every 5 years!) and these are my best mates from school.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 23/04/2013 15:12

I am guessing that it's not so much about whether he wants to go or not, but his declaration without discussion that he's not going?

DH and I have a good relationship, and when these situations crop up (which they do) then the one of us that doesn't wish to go would say "Do you mind if I don't go?" not "I'm not going". There would be at least a discussion! It's common courtesy surely?

For that alone sheepflower YANBU to feel a little upset. Feelings need to be taken into account on both sides don't they? If he asked "Do you mind if I sit this one out?" HWNBU, likewise if you expected him to attend without discussion YWBU.

Especially considering you are both attempting to heal your marriage right now courtesy is extremely important.

SpanishFly · 23/04/2013 15:13

I think he's being TOTALLY unreasonable. If you're having counselling it's cos you're trying to work things through, so therefore a flat-out "no" to one of your best friend's weddings seems very extreme, not to mention very rude and inflexible.
Bored you say "You might think it's 'odd' that in your partner wants to refuse going and that's it's a social norm for couples to go together, but that's your opinion, it's not fact." Um, her point is nothing to do with it being a social norm, but thats it's THEIR norm, and she's stunned he's behaving so differently this time.
I would never ever find it acceptable for DH to refuse coming to a wedding with me (and vice versa), unless there was a bloody good reason for it.

ApocalypseThen · 23/04/2013 16:58

It's the bald refusal that I don't like. I'm sure he doesn't want to go, but isn't there generally an expectation that you do each other's stuff in a relationship? I've never refused one of MrA's things, nor he mine, whatever our private feelings. One if the luxuries if a relationship is having someone to do this stuff with you.

roamingwest · 23/04/2013 17:52

I agree YANBU. A joint invitation (to you as a married couple) deserves a joint decision based on what you both want and what's feasible.

DH and I have a weekend in September with the wedding of my school friend on Friday (and a 'day after' BBQ that I'd like to be at too), his school friend and my old neighbour getting married on the Saturday, and I have a hen (close uni friend) on Saturday too. And dd will be 7 months old.

We haven't figured it out yet but I'm hoping we'll come to an arrangement we'll both be happy with. Having said that my DH has form for unilateral decision making so we'll see

roamingwest · 23/04/2013 17:54

Should poinf out that we're not normally inundated with invites (bring Aibu don't want to be accused of a stealth boast!)

AThingInYourLife · 23/04/2013 18:05

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where an invitation to us as a couple was met with that kind of obnoxious reaction by my husband.

He sounds like a petulant teenager, not a loving partner.

Are you flogging a dead horse here?

Original poster

sheepflower · 23/04/2013 20:25

Thanks for your thoughts, I'm realising we have different expectations of relationships but in this case he was just downright rude.
On the doing stuff together, I do get a bit secretly jealous of people who do stuff with their partners so I guess there's a big problem there. I think long term it's unlikely to last but I have no idea how to end it and when do you say enough's enough?

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 23/04/2013 20:44

Really it is the social norm to go to events like a wedding with a 'date' and if you are married, that date to be your DH. That's why it's considered good manners if someone is single you send them a "plus one" invite so they can bring a date. If you go on your own when people know you are in a couple, there's a lot of "where's DH today?" because to miss a wedding of your DW's best friend isn't the normal thing to do, so other guests will expect there to be a reason for you going solo- so you can either lie ("oh, he's working", "he's not well" etc) or you go with the truth (he doesn't want to come) - that will get back to the bride/groom so you're not going to feel you can say that.

I would try having a word with the bride and say you are having problems with your marriage and your DH is unlikely to come with you. That at least might stop you feeling the social unease, particularly if she can sit you with other old friends and people who might be coming alone.

I must say, refusing to go as your date to an important formal event is rather a statement.

When is your next counselling session? this isn't like normal "not doing stuff together" this is a formal event when it would be expected for him to go unless he's got a good reason not too.

digerd · 23/04/2013 21:08

My SIL will not be left alone and accompanies my DB everywhere.
DB has a positive outlook on life and would never not want to go with her to a wedding.

It is a matter of give and take and means even putting yourself out for your OH, and should work both ways in consideration of each other.

mrspaddy · 23/04/2013 21:17

Just my own opinion. . weddings are usually attended by married couples. At my own wedding, some work friends didn't bring partners but I understand that due to 'shop' talk, work friends aren't really real friends most of the time. It's a formality. I would expect my DH to come to a wedding with me. I went to one with DH last week and knew no-one. It wasn't the best day I've ever had but when you're married you are together.. end of.

kerala · 23/04/2013 21:24

Yanbu. Hurtful. Agree it's the norm to attend weddings together, a poster contemplating not inviting partners was pretty unanimously told this wouldn't go down well. Dh and I had a wedding clash he went to one wedding I went to another friends. Was surprised how much we missed each other and we are not a clingy do everything together couple.

2rebecca · 23/04/2013 22:12

I wouldn't expect my husband to refuse to attend a wedding with me unless he had a reason. OK if there's something else on that day he really wants to do but if going to the wedding isn't a major hassle and you're married then you usually attend stuff like this together, particularly when there are kids to look after. I would see it as showing a lack of committment to the relationship and not a good sign if the relationship is struggling.

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