To be a bit upset by our neighbour re our cat?

[Catonthemove]

So, our elderly neighbours have always loved our cats, given them affection and company when we are at work and especially since our dc came on the scene. As far as we are aware, until recently, our remaining cat (one died recently) stayed in the garden, might have had a few cat biscuits or some ham, but basically came in at night and to eat.

Our neighbours are lovely, have been kind to our children and given them Christmas gifts and birthday cards.

Sadly, last year the gentleman of the couple died and his widow has been lonely since, despite having family who visit frequently and help, and neighbours who really do look out for each other, there's a huge unfillable hole in her life. We'd become aware that our dcat had started to go in and increasingly be fed there and turned a bit of a blind eye as both cat and neighbour were happy.
On Saturday, dh noticed a new collar on the cat and a magnetic key tag on it to open a cat flap. We assume our neighbour put it on. Initially, I felt okay, but now I kind of feel she should have at least asked first. If I were being really honest, I think our cat is being effectively adopted without asking us.
I am not sure what I'd say if our neighbour tried to formalise the arrangement. We've had her since a kitten, she's twelve and were all fond of her. On the other hand, she's not mad keen on the dc and I don't have as much time for her as I did Pre dc. Financially, we feed her and pay pet insurance and for jabs, flea treatment and worming - the insurance alone is £25 per month.
Aibu to be a bit narked? And what should I do about it whilst maintaining a supportive relationship?
Final and relevant point is dneighbours old cat was someone else's and "adopted" them.

Good update. The niece seems switched on and in tune with how you feel.

But remember, it is your cat and if you think you'll miss him and don't really want to give him away then you can just say so. I know the woman is lonely but I don't see how she would think it's ok to do this.
I guess the woman might say no she doesn't want to take on the cat in the end so may all work out ok.

All the best OP.
Lucky cat having two people wanting her :)

similarly cat i think you've either misread or misunderstood my posts.

i wasn't questioning your feelings for the cat and made no judgement on that. it hasn't been clear until this evening that you do intend to continue paying for his potential vet care. my posts were in response to your comment that the insurance was too much for you to pay for a cat that you didn't have. whilst i understand that nobody would take on the health costs of a cat they didn't own, this wasn't exactly a cut and dried scenario and the cat is a family pet that you have loved for 12 years so it surprised me that you seemed to be saying you would just stop the payments and let the cat be hers without coming to an agreement with her that she would be responsible for his care. apologies if that was never your intention, it is just that it wasn't made clear in your posts. my only concern was that it would be left unresolved between you and neighbour but that you would stop the payments (which, BTW i said would be no problem, no-one would blame you for stopping them) without making sure someone was taking over the responsibility for his care meaning that when he got sick, no-one had any money to pay for his care. all i was saying was that regardless of what decision you made, make it responsibly and ensure the cat will have his medical needs met, either by you paying for it, her paying for it or you rehoming him (if the money was an issue for you).

Personally I would be livid if anyone put a collar on my cat because they are dangerous - unless it's a quick-release one.

OP

I think this is a really difficult situation and you are being very fair minded. If it were anyone other than a grieving old lady there would be no question. Very hard

Wtf

Ops attitude was clear throughout, imo

Can you compromise and share the cat and split the bills? Is that possible?

Thanks Jamie, much appreciated. Here's today's episode of cat gate-which I just can't get my head round. Suddenly occurred to me as I was looking at policy that the cat doesn't live here now that I've agreed to turn blind eye to neighbours "adoption". Policy says must inform of changes. So I rang them and asked if it was possible to change address.no-if cat isn't resident with us, and neighbour having collar giving access to get home and feeding and having her overnight would count as not being resident, the policy is defunct. Neither we nor neighbour could get new policy as cat is too old. So if we pretend cat lives with us, we're committing fraud. We can't, whether we pay or not, get a policy for the cats new situation. So then we can either insist cat moves back, this upsetting old lady and cat, have difficult conversation with neighbour and insist she takes on the financial responsibility,without insuranxe, or stump up for vets bills ourselves despite having had adequate insurance before. Or get cat put down for stuff she could be treated for.

Frankly this is just getting too much for my head. And today, of all days, seven year old dd asks where our cat is. Had enough. Feel very uncharitable despite still knowing that its a grieving old lady I'm trying to accommodate.

I think you need to get your cat back now in light of the new information re insurance and your DD missing the cat.

I fear that may be true. I was quite pleased with how yesterday went but it now feels a whole big mess.

Although I think she's missing the idea of a cat because our cat truthfully wasn't here much in daytime hours. Just tugs at the heart strings. I imagine that side of the problem could be dealt with with a small rodent or rabbit, that could grow up with children rather than have them inflicted on her in her old age.

I can understand it messing with your head. You have been put in an awkward and sensitive position. But in your heart of hearts how do you really feel?

I really think the niece needs to speak to your elderly neighbour and explain all this to her.

Really, how I feel is that I want our cat to live where she's happy, but to know that her medical needs are met. I want what we had before-a cat who spent time in next doors garden being fussed over but who I knew was out responsibility and who was perfectly happy to come in st night and get a bit of fuss from us. Or I want, magically, for our neighbour to assume complete responsibility. I don't want to upset the neighbour or make her feel burdened. And I want to be able to think about something else. Mostly I want the first sentence of this post.

The insurance thing has just changed everything.

I know - was I stupid to ring? I also rang the vet afterwards to talk it through-so mithered am I and they said they'd be happy to turn a blind eye to the address. But it's nagging in my head - I feel that we can't trust our neighbour because she's not been straight with us and I also don't think I'd feel happy about being dishonest. It's wrong - firstly, and secondly these things tend to bite you on the bum.

If you let the neighbour have the cat it will be uninsured, and if the elderly neighbour can't foot the bills (if something happened) will you then feel obliged to pay for the vets bills?

You weren't stupid to ring. You are trying to get it all straight in your head.

OP, you sound very kind.

It's hard given the circumstances, but you have a duty of care to the cat, not the old lady.

I think it's very difficult to impose conditions when you rehome an animal as they are so difficult to enforce. How would you be sure that the cat was getting all his jabs etc if he moved next door? Go round and check every six months?

TBH I think the best thing is for the cat to remain 'yours'. A 12 year old cat could easily live for several more years if well looked after. Speak to the neighbour, explain about the insurance, give the collar back and say she is welcome to fuss the cat during the day but that puss has to be home at night.

If she genuinely cares about the cat's needs too, then she should recognise that that is entirely reasonable.

In the light of all this, I think chansondumatin suggestion seems reallly sensible and she's right, a 12 year old cat may have another 8 or ten years in them. Without being cruel, the cat could easily out live the old lady next door. Even if she outlives the cat, she may need long term care or not be mobile enough to take the cat to vet's appointment or put down food.

The insurance is a perfect pretext to set up a 'fuss in the day and then home at night' regieme for Mr/Ms Puss.

I think that's the only way to go with this too.

I also meant to add that, with the increasing fox population, owners are advised to keep their cats in at night so they know they are safe.

It would be awful if you thought the cat was next door overnight but she was actually missing or had been in an accident. I think a 'dual' arrangement has the potential to cause a lot of problems.

Really appreciate your thoughts. Dh and I talked about it tonight. We're going to talk to the niece again in the first instance and say that the info from insurance has changed things and that we need either for her to have a proper conversation with her niece or that he is happy to. We're (and some of this sounds a bit baldly financial) going to explain that our cat can't keep in sleeping there and the insurance remain valid and we can't afford her potential medical bills without insurance. So neighbour can take on our, and so her, cats ongoing food and medical costs with the proviso that we would pay for euthanasia if necessary. Or she can remove the collar, continue to have her around during the daytime, but put her out at night and we would feed her and continue to pay insurance. It's an unpalatable thought but we aren't prepared to have our cats well being compromised or to commit insurance fraud.
All to be handled with lots of how happy our cat is that you're around to fuss over her and how we want the very best for her etc and auch sebsitivity as possible.
It's just not possible to avoid the conversation but dh is a very good diplomat so hoping it will go okay.

Ps I do still feel a bit annoyed that so much of my time has been taken up with this. Is that okay? If so Iight be treating myself to coffee and cake tomorrow!

It sounds like you are being very reasonable and trying to do your best all around. Like you said though, your obligation is to your cat, not the woman next door who has chosen to adopt it.

Reclaim the cat on the basis of the insurance no longer being valid.

I wonder if your neighbour doesn't want the responsibility of a cat because she feels morbid about her own life. That can happen when a loved one dies. She may feel happier if the cat is yours, so that if anything happens to her, she doesn't have to worry about the cat.

I would let the cat continue to visit, and try not to worry about the address on the insurance, because as long as you take an interest in the cat he/she is yours. The insurance wouldn't be invalid if you were doing regular work trips and the neighbour called by for feeds, and this position isn't so dissimilar.

My worry would be that you give the cat, old lady goes into old folks home, cat either gets put into rescue, or becomes your cat again, but you can't insure him.

OP you're being very patient. The 'have one's cake and eat it too' comment from the neice would have stirred my blood pressure.

Mummy pig is probs right about the insurance - what if you travelled a lot for work and she 'looked after' the cat - but I think on balance the right thing to do is have the collar removed but allow visits during the day. This is the most sensible thing.

Idea that your responsible to the cat and not her is right too.