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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husbands puts adult child before me at my financial expence.

95 replies

littlediamond33 · 19/04/2013 16:02

i had to purchase new spectacles for driving.(i drive every day to work, my job also involves me driving children)Therefore they are essential. I was a little short this month (I Work 30 hours a week and i have my own bank account) so asked husband if he could lend me some £. He said he didnt think he had any £ left in his account.(I ended up getting a pay day loan, this is something i havnt had to do b4)That evening he went out and brought his 21yr old daughter (who has her own home and fiance that works)a brand new hoover, yet he told me he didnt have any £. I confronted him, he said "his kids will always come first." I do understand this but at his wifes expence?

OP posts:

carabos · 19/04/2013 16:06

My father put his new wife's dog ahead of me and my new baby. I needed to re-roof my house and asked for a very short-term loan before the retention on the mortgage came through so I could pay my builder. He said no (despite being loaded) because my wicked stepmother wanted to buy a pedigree puppy. I was 9 months pregnant and it was winter.

We have hardly spoken since - I know my place.

However, in this situation YANBU.

MrsMacFarlane · 19/04/2013 16:10

That's shabby.

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2013 16:18

YANBU . His DD could have bought her own Hoover; her fiancé could have bought the Hoover. Or they could have waited and bought it when they got paid/could afford it. You needed the glasses immediately.

firesidechat · 19/04/2013 16:19

Why would you have to borrow money from your husband? Isn't it all family money?

Leaving that aside, your husband needs to balance his priorities and look after his wife, as well as his children. This is the polite version of what I want to say, by the way.

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/04/2013 16:21

He let you take out a pay day loan? I am shocked.

imour · 19/04/2013 16:27

i really cant understand the separate money thing when you are married ,i think your glasses are a bit more important than a hoover , he sounds a selfish pig .

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2013 16:28

I do not understand married people with separate finances. I get separate 'pocket money' but getting a payday loan because your 'D'H refuses to share household income.

SpanishFly · 19/04/2013 16:32

You asked to borrow money from your dh?? Seriously?? Wow, I don't even know where to start.

snuffaluffagus · 19/04/2013 16:46

Yeah, he sounds like a jerk to be honest.. no other way of looking at it!

phantomnamechanger · 19/04/2013 17:03

Another one here who does not understand married couples who do not share money/bank accounts.

I went from a good income to being a SAHM for 10 years - DHs salary was our family's money, i could spend as i liked/needed to on me and the DC without asking. I work PT now, there is no stigma to me earning less than DH, we can both spend reasonanble amounts on ourselves but would mutually agree a big purchase/household item, waiting and saving up if necessary.

By all means protect yourself with prenups etc if you feel the need , but your money/my money is ALWAYS going to cause exactly these sort of problems. How do you work out who eats more of the food or uses more of the electricity??

It's about control and it's not healthy.

Married/grown up/earning kids DO NOT trump your DH/DW except in an emergency (eg married child with baby needs urgent loan for new washing machine, so we need to postpone our weekend away/dinner out to lend them the money but I will make it up to you - would be OK)

LaQueen · 19/04/2013 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trillz · 19/04/2013 17:08

YANBU

It is possible to "put your children first" without prioritising something that is a small thing for them over something that is a large thing for someone else.

If the need is equal, your children come first. If the need is unequal, your children may get a higher weighting but in general the higher need comes first.

catsmother · 19/04/2013 17:08

Two things wrong here . As others have said you shouldn't have to ask to borrow money from him especially for something as essential as glasses - hardly a frippery FFS ! Second they should definitely come ahead of a Hoover. Daddy's princess isn't exactly going to suffer if her carpets remain a bit crumbly for a few days . His attitude towards you and your genuine NEED stinks . Is he always like this ?

noddyholder · 19/04/2013 17:08

You need to tackle this. getting a loan? So wrong. We have our own accounts but have access to both if need be.

Trillz · 19/04/2013 17:09

I do understand having separate money for fripperies (and presents for non-resident adult relatives), but something essential like glasses should not need to come out of your "spending money", it should be considered an essential expense and so come out of joint money.

digerd · 19/04/2013 17:10

Most married couples have a joint bank account even when only one is working and earning money.

His child is, I assume , an adult and in UK he has no legal financial responsibilty for her. But he has for you as his lawful wife.

You are working and glasses are essential for health and safety issues to enable you to drive safely to work and supplement his income.

Far more important than his DD having a hoover.

His behaviour /attitude towards you is totally unacceptable as a DH/..

phantomnamechanger · 19/04/2013 17:10

here here LaQ - I find it sad that anyone thinks it's acceptable/normal - those who will say it works for them - it works while each partner has enough money for their sahre of the bills plus enough to spare, problems arise when one partners spare cash is hugely in excess of what the other has to spend on themselves, and they then have to beg/borrow to get what they need like new shoes or winter coat, while the other swans off down the pub or fritters cash on spa days with BFF.

catsmother · 19/04/2013 17:10

Actually have just realised that he also lied to you as well didn't he?!

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2013 18:11

He let you get a payday loan, rather than "lend" you money?
I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

quesadilla · 19/04/2013 18:56

Me and DH do have separate finances and it suits me. There is a good deal of interchange between them and we both pay a lot of stuff jointly and we do have a joint account for sone direct debits and savings but I like the idea that I am in charge of my finances in case the worst happened.
Having said that though, your DH is being an arse about this. Making you take a pay day loan is just mean.

KatieScarlett2833 · 19/04/2013 18:59

Borrow money from DH??
What's his is mine, what's mine, the DC spend
Would never happen here.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/04/2013 19:05

We have shared family money too, and I don't really understand people who have his and hers money. However, if this is the way you have chosen to conduct your finances, then that's fine and it's up to you. But if that's the way you like things, he has the right to spend his money however he wants.

It also depends on how urgent the new glasses were. If your others were completely unusable, then you probably have a point. If you could have made do with old ones (which I understand you probably couldn't if you had to take a payday loan) then YABU.

Did he commit to giving this money to his daughter? Because if he did, I don't think he was unreasonable to stick to that.

More context needed for me.

deleted203 · 19/04/2013 19:22

I am with those who genuinely can't understand why a married couple would have separate finances. In any marriage there is always likely to be a balance of power if this is the case, which strikes me as dangerously unequal.

We have had times when both of us worked full time, earning probably roughly the same. We have had times when DH (self employed) has had little/no work, but we've scraped by because I am a teacher - and therefore on a set monthly salary. We've had times when I gave up work to be a SAHM and had no money coming in - but DH was working long hours to cover it. Throughout all of this we have only had one joint bank account and simply paid for everything necessary out of it (and frequently sighed together over the overdraft). Neither of us have to 'borrow' or 'ask' the other for money.

Angelico · 19/04/2013 19:59

YANBU OP.

Corygal · 19/04/2013 20:02

You poor thing! YANBU.

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