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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he shouldn't be having nights out if he can't afford to contribute to family?

17 replies

princessj29 · 18/04/2013 22:24

DH has a lot of debt from his previous marriage which he is trying to clear so one day we may be in a position to buy a house together. At the moment I pay for rent, bills, food, all kids necessities, clothes, activities etc. He pays for car running costs, I mostly pay for fuel as DCs and I use it the majority of the time. We went on holiday in half term, his only financial contribution was the fuel to get us there - approximately 1/7th of what the holiday cost. In August we're going away and his contribution is to buy the meal passes which cost around 1/5th of the total holiday costs. Tonight he is out for a meal and drinks, in a couple of weeks he's going out all day/night for a friends birthday about 30 miles away. They were planning to get hotel rooms there, I offered to pick them up to help DH save money but he gave a vague answer which I know means no. AIBU to think I shouldn't be paying for everything while he is spending money on going out? I understand he needs to go out once in a while but this frequently when in debt is taking the piss I think

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 18/04/2013 22:29

Why did you marry him and have children with him when you knew he was financially unviable?

Jan49 · 18/04/2013 22:33

Are you living together? If so, why don't you both put your incomes into a joint account to pay all your bills and expenses, then discuss whether you can afford these extra events? It seems strange to me to talk about what he pays and what you pay.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/04/2013 22:34

Why do you have his n hers money? I understand he has debt and thats not your responsibility. But when he gets his wages eg £1000 he should pay his debts eg £250 and the remaining £750 should go into the family pot. All expenses get paid etc.

YABU to live with a man who doesnt contribute. Dont stand for it.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2013 22:38

Probably time to knock the holidays on the head for a bit.

Original poster

princessj29 · 18/04/2013 22:39

Holly - a loan and credit card he and ex took out only came to light after we married. We'd be able to afford the events from my earnings but seems unfair that I pay for his living expenses, children and nights out! The longer he takes to repay debts the more interest he is paying hence why I think nights out shouldn't be taking priority

OP posts:

Jengnr · 18/04/2013 22:41

Everyone should have the occasional night out. But this is taking the piss - not wanting you to pick him up etc.

Fairenuff · 18/04/2013 22:50

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

joanofarchitrave · 18/04/2013 22:55

Jeez louise.

I was a bit like this in my first marriage. I can tell you that I was a very poor financial prospect and a bit of a drain on my first husband.

Talk to him about it, because you're resenting him, which is a royal road to more problems. But I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm massively better now than I was, because my very patient second dh actually showed how shocked he was at a piece of financial irresponsibility I'd barely even thought about.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2013 22:56

How long have you been financing this cocklodger your husband?

Original poster

princessj29 · 18/04/2013 22:59

I haven't spoken to him yet, he only mentioned the night away tonight and he's out so it isn't the time to discuss it.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2013 23:00

Are the children yours, yours and his or his?

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2013 23:01

He's got it made, hasn't he? He seems to think you're his mum.

dreamingbohemian · 18/04/2013 23:02

I think it depends how much he owes and how long it will take to pay back.

Does he work? Does his entire salary really go on the debt?

Does 'only came to light' mean he actively lied to you?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 18/04/2013 23:05

Are you absolutely certain he is paying his debts properly? Have you seen the statements?

sashh · 19/04/2013 04:06

Holly - a loan and credit card he and ex took out only came to light after we married.

WOW.

Are you sure he doesn't have a second wife and kids? Are you sure he is paying his debts? Are you sure he isn't still using the credit card?

I think I would be either walking away or I would make him hand his entire wage over to me to deal with the finances until the debts were paid off.

I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but he married you without you knowing his financial situation, that's huge alarm bells for me.

TheRealFellatio · 19/04/2013 04:16

we need to know who the children in your household belong to before we can judge. but it's not sounding good, either way. The phrase having his cake and eating it comes to mind.

maddening · 19/04/2013 06:56

I think under those circumstances he should be handing total monetary control to you.

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