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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be scared of getting married because I'm fat?

104 replies

hairtearing · 18/04/2013 21:40

I am losing some weight, trying to at least but I will always be on the bigger side my body doesn't lend itself to smallness, 5'8+ size 10 feet broad shoulder etc.
But I am dreading getting married as I am convinced everyone will be sneering and making comments about me and my dress or comparing me to my bridesmaids (much prettier) or my SIL (again much prettier) , I'm dreading the photos (even if I was skinny I look like a bulldog chewing a wasp).
I went shopping with DM the other month and spent the entire fitting talking about how good she would have looked in those dresses, and saying 'well you're on about loosing more weight aren't you?' I felt like I didn't want to get married coz well if my own mother can't make me feel okay and pretty on my wedding day I'm screwed.
I feel sick with worry and the whole idea makes me sick , dreading what should be the happiest day of my life and its got worse the closer I get.
I know this is a rant but I feel like I am going to erupt or runaway I need to spill somewhere. please diplomatic I'm on the verge of tears atm.
Do I need a shake, AIBU to dread my wedding day and think everyone will be sneering at me?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 19/04/2013 09:43

You know what, your mum is a right cow! This is about you, yet she still has to make it about her gorgeousness. I think right now you have to make the decision to stop involving her with your wedding. Demote her to just a guest.

The most important thing to remember is your fiance has asked you not a size 8 version of you, to marry him. He already thinks you are the most amazing woman on the earth, and all that matters is the look he gives you when he turns to watch you walk down the asile - not what anyone else is thinking. I bet he already thinks you are sexy and gorgeous, and you in your wedding dress, hair and makeup will just be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

Now - let's focus on that, a dress not to impress your mum, but a dress to make him think "wow I'm a lucky man". (Which I bet he already thinks)

Original poster
hairtearing · 19/04/2013 11:13

Thankyou for all the comments I've calmed down a bit, I do want to loose some weight, not long since had a baby and its the dreaded apron that needs tackling after 2 kids :/.
I never get time though I'm always slaving after the kids,

I think she is trying to help in her odd way, every convo , phonecall its 'have you spoken to about to lose weight" which in itself is an ok thing, but it reduces me to my weight and makes me nothing else, If I was to tell her how she made me feel on the fitting she'd be mortified.She will say nice things but I don't believe it for whatever reason. And would be made to feel bridezilla about wanting everything to be about me, I might be I dunno anymore.

A quick question, would a halterneck look good on a busty broadshouldered? some people think it would/wouldn't? I'm unsure I think it has good boob potential and silhouette.
Or is off shoulder the best bet?

OP posts:
Original poster
hairtearing · 19/04/2013 11:15

Sorry double post, I think I'm investing in a good fake tan too.

OP posts:
Startail · 19/04/2013 11:30

I have to confess I did wonder what my always large, almost 40 and never pretty friend would look like in her wedding dress.

She looked stunning. Where she managed to find a totally traditional strapless dress that suited her and fitted perfectly I don't know.

She's a farmers daughter still living in the Welsh mountains so local shopping is limited.

Honestly it can be done!

Pollykitten · 19/04/2013 11:38

Lacy sleeves and a shorter, very full skirt, kind of 50s style might be nice?

DuchessOfAvon · 19/04/2013 11:40

I weighed 18 stone and was a size 26 when I got married. I had a corset bodice with a chiffon scarf tied in the back to cover my upper arms.

The scarf thing got abandoned quite quickly on the day and I love all the photos - because I am happy. It was a great day and everyone was joyful.

Just be yourself and enjoy it.

Googlella · 19/04/2013 12:04

I love the off the shoulder one you had a link to. Personally I think that would be more flattering but you could try other styles and see what you think!

DontmindifIdo · 19/04/2013 12:33

oooh, yes, a 50s style dress would be very nice! That would be also different enough that you won't be drawing comparasions to other brides in your family if you feel self concious about that.

DorcasDelIcatessen · 19/04/2013 12:39

At least you won't look like a genie on your wedding day. Don't wear a custom made gold trouser suit when your 8&half months pg. you look ridiculous.

MadBusLady · 19/04/2013 12:42

What Fry said. Your mum's NOT trying to be helpful "in her odd way". Not at all. Sounds like your function to her is to make her feel better about herself, and sod what you feel in the process. I'd stop talking to her about the wedding arrangements altogether if I were you, and sort it all out with your fiance and supportive mates. It's not bridezilla to want your wedding day to be somewhat about you. Confused

Didactylos · 19/04/2013 12:56

Hairtearing I totally sympathise

Im a short and busty 14-16 who was dreading the whole wedding dress thing since long white dresses made me look like a giant (very busty) slug. With fat arms and back cleavage and eczema and old scars and new pimples....

But - I just got married the other day and felt cheery, confident and wonderful - and in the pictures I am just me, still busty, still overweight but in a pretty fitted dress and grinning from ear to ear, and looking so happy and relaxedits infuriating

Advice - sorry but ditch your mum or tell her how you felt at the appointment and see if she can take it on board and be more supportive
I know its meant to be mother daughter bonding and rite of passage etc but if she cant be the supportive person you need for dress fitting and undermines you then its not good for either of you. Theres plenty of other wedding areas you can arrange her help in so not to exclude her

Go for an underwear fitting first eg bravissimo etc and get yourself an oomphy well fitted bridal bra so youre neat and confident for trying on lots of styles then make an appointment at a salon and explain your issue, ask to try sillouettes and ask the fitter what dress they would put you in? I found some really good suggestions (not just strapless a lines) when I did this. There are some amazing dresses with structure and corsetry that gives the shape you want. If you can afford it get the dress made for you. Dont worry about the number or size on it, as long as it fits you

Think different - colour, lace, short styles, halterneck might be good,
Id definitely try halterneck, sweetheart neckline, others have said 1950s which can really flatter curves. I ended up in a tea length 1950s dress, strapless with a cummerbund waist and full lace skirt, and black petticoats and accessories. With a short shrug that had been made for me but looked as though it was part of the dress. Not what I had in mind or set out to look for but it was definately my dress and Mr Didactylos had a tear in his eye when I walked down the aisle and told me I looked wonderful.

Lots of support here - you will look wonderful on the day, honest

musicposy · 19/04/2013 13:42

Well done on getting it in perspective a bit.

My DBro and SIL got married last year. SIL is quite big and she had my two girls as bridesmaids. DD1 was 16, skinny as a rake and youthfully pretty in the way lots of girls are at 16. SIL also had her stepsister who was thin and pretty.

On the day, SIL was in no way overshadowed by the bridesmaids. No one was really even looking at the bridesmaids; everyone was admiring her. She looked radiant and lovely and so happy. That's what everyone notices. She looks absolutely beautiful in the photos and size isn't an issue at all. All the guests were saying how lovely she looked and truly meant it - she did. It was only people who were trying to be nice to me who mentioned my girls, as an afterthought!

You have nothing to worry about. Go to the fittings with supportive friends. Your DH will only have eyes for you and your happiness will shine through which will make you look lovely. Enjoy it!

persimmon · 19/04/2013 13:47

If it helps, I had a petite friend who got married in a normal summer frock and entered the church by the side door to avoid walking up the aisle as she was so worried about being stared at! Your husband-to-be loves you and will think that you look beautiful. It actually doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but I bet you'll love gorgeous if you find the right dress. Does it even have to be a 'traditional wedding dress'?

Kendodd · 19/04/2013 14:00

I know it's unconventional but why don't you enter the church WITH you're DP? Walk down the aisle together, after all you'll be there to support each other for the rest of your life's and you need a bit of his support then. He'll be bowled by how you look.

Oh and forget about losing weight for the moment, if you want to lose weight do it for yourself after the wedding, not just for the wedding day to please the crowds.

Kendodd · 19/04/2013 14:10

Oh, and if you want your dad to give you away, get him to walk behind the two of you, putting some distance between you and the (in your head) prettier bridesmaids.

Kendodd · 19/04/2013 14:11

When are where are you getting married?

FryOneFatManic · 19/04/2013 14:45

I agree with Didactylos about getting a properly fitted bra, it will make so much difference to what you can wear and how you look.

Somewhere on MN are the bra intervention threads. StatisticallyChallenged and her friends are the experts on this Smile they may be able to advise you, and the threads in any case have a sizing and fitting guide.

Vijac · 19/04/2013 15:17

I have broad shoulders and love halter necks to show them off. Who wants skinny rounded shoulders anyway! You will look beautiful On your wedding day and people will not be judging anyway. Remember that people know it's you getting married, they will not expect you to turn into Cameron Diaz. It is just important that you feel great and look YOUR best. Have a wonderful time. Grin

Original poster
hairtearing · 19/04/2013 18:13

early october I'm getting married,

So halterneck a thumbs up ?

I'm going next week with a mate

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 19/04/2013 18:26

My SIL is a larger size - probably 24/26 (not entirely sure). She looked absolutely fabulous on her wedding day. It was about 20 years ago, so the pictures look dated now, but one thing that shines out of them is how amazingly happy she looked.

I do know this sounds very cheesy, but it is the happiness/ confidence that makes you look beautiful. Just hold your head high and tell yourself how beautiful you are. You mustn't call yourself ugly! I bet you're not.

And as for "if my own mother can't make me feel okay and pretty on my wedding day I'm screwed" - that ain't true. Mothers can be the most critical and unsupportive of all people! Just ignore her. Your friends will all think you look beautiful - because you WILL!

Original poster
hairtearing · 19/04/2013 18:31

Its tough with bridal dresses you can often be a bigger size than in normal clothes which does nothing for your SE pfft,

I suppose there is a lot of critical mothers, it hurts to think to yourself your mum would do that though. iyswim?

I hope so I'm quite good at make up so I am doing it myself, just googling some underwear

OP posts:
DublinMammy · 19/04/2013 18:43

Gosh your mum sounds mean and tactless, she sounds like my mum, never a nice word for how I look, even on my wedding day, always in ecstasies about how my younger,, size 10 sister looks, also on my wedding day! I was size 18/20 on my wedding day and was so so happy. I had my dress made. I'm not sure about a halter neck, I think they are for people with bony shoulders, I reckon a little more cover, a plunging neckline as well might work. If you can get to London and can afford it, go to Rigby & Peller for a corset. They are AMAZING and so, so lovely to you, I think they get the best out of everyone's shape. Good luck and try not to let your mum upset you.

Original poster
hairtearing · 21/04/2013 00:08

Hi all my dress has arrived, it is halterneck I think it looks nice, it encases the boobs so to speak.

Hopefully I'll look okay, I think weddings are very focused on size and I think anyone bigger will be made to feel uncomfortable, the woman doing my measurements was a bit on blast though Hmm I'd have thought it wasn't the most discreet way to behave,
I took some mates with me, although I still get waves of nausea wondering what people really think of me, can't win Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
hairtearing · 21/04/2013 00:09

Sorry double post, no nowhere near london although I do need undies.
I was wondering about more cover but often they are 'fat girl' dresses and are very unflattering.

OP posts:
everythingishoney · 21/04/2013 01:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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