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to be scared of getting married because I'm fat?

104 replies

hairtearing · 18/04/2013 21:40

I am losing some weight, trying to at least but I will always be on the bigger side my body doesn't lend itself to smallness, 5'8+ size 10 feet broad shoulder etc.
But I am dreading getting married as I am convinced everyone will be sneering and making comments about me and my dress or comparing me to my bridesmaids (much prettier) or my SIL (again much prettier) , I'm dreading the photos (even if I was skinny I look like a bulldog chewing a wasp).
I went shopping with DM the other month and spent the entire fitting talking about how good she would have looked in those dresses, and saying 'well you're on about loosing more weight aren't you?' I felt like I didn't want to get married coz well if my own mother can't make me feel okay and pretty on my wedding day I'm screwed.
I feel sick with worry and the whole idea makes me sick , dreading what should be the happiest day of my life and its got worse the closer I get.
I know this is a rant but I feel like I am going to erupt or runaway I need to spill somewhere. please diplomatic I'm on the verge of tears atm.
Do I need a shake, AIBU to dread my wedding day and think everyone will be sneering at me?

OP posts:
OpheliasWeepingWillow · 18/04/2013 21:42

OK this is about you marrying someone you love, in sight of friends and family. Ignore your mother, concentrate on the love and being kinder to yourself. You are not the sum of your weight.

I bet you look beautiful.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 18/04/2013 21:43

Oh and nothing wrong with broad shouldered! Just don't wear a halter neck! Grin

Tortington · 18/04/2013 21:43

i think brides do tend to get it all out of context - its so important to you an you spend a lot of money, but tbh, most other people don't really give that bigger shit,

that said, you still want to feel great on your day, whwne is it and what are you doing to loose weight

hermioneweasley · 18/04/2013 21:43

I really don't think people you care enough about to invite to your wedding will be sneering at you. And I guess your fiancé thinks you're beautiful.

Everyone is self conscious about the way they look. Choose something you feel comfortable in, that makes you feel fabulous. True beauty radiates from within and if getting married is a happy occasion for you, then you will be absolutely glowing.

Oh, and don't take your mother to any more fittings if she's going to knock your confidence.

Have a wonderful day.

mateinthree · 18/04/2013 21:45

Most people will not sneer at you or judge you. And you shouldn't invite the sort of people who would, family or not.

Bearbehind · 18/04/2013 21:49

I'm not exactly skinny either, fuck them, it's about you.

There are some miraculously corseted wedding dresses around, just find one you feel comfortable in and you'll shine.

Don't try and squeeze yourself into something too small just because you'll know what size it said on the label. A dress that fits well will flatter you far more than one that is a size smaller just for vanity purposes.

Enjoy your day, if you are happy and smiley you'll look beautiful whatever you wear.

dingit · 18/04/2013 21:50

I felt exactly the same as you. I stood and cried on the final fitting of my dress. I can't think of anything to help, other than what the others have said. Relax and enjoy your day, it's all about you and your intended. I must have done something right, we had been married 20 years.

specialsubject · 18/04/2013 21:50

WTF? Who said brides have to be pygmies?

no-one will be sneering at you, your wedding should be full of your friends and people who love you. Anyone who doesn't fall into those categories doesn't get an invite, it's great!

the meringue looks silly on most women, as does the horrible strapless look. Remember even super-skinny Kate Middleton looked a bit of a joke in her dress, with all that lace that looked like her bra was showing. So find an outfit YOU love, whatever it is - no need for fancy dress, just a knock-em dead frock of some sort.

talk to your fiance about your worries, and get the wedding you WANT, not what you think you should have.

good luck.

bedmonster · 18/04/2013 21:51

Bloody hell, ditch your mother for the next fitting whatever you do, doesn't sound like she does much for your self esteem. Do you have a good friend/sister etc you could take instead?
And don't compare yourself to anyone else in the wedding party, you are the one getting married, to a man who loves you for who you are, not what you are. Even though as a tall size 10 I can't for the life of me work out how on earth you might even feasibly be considered 'fat'?
And no one sneers at a bride getting married. They all look at her admiringly :)

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 18/04/2013 21:52

Yanbu to be worried. Everyone wants to feel great on their wedding day so I can understand your mental melt down over appearance.

Rowgtfc72 · 18/04/2013 21:52

Good underwear !. I am by no means on the skinny side, had to order a size 22 to fit me boobs. I had a lovely day and concentrated more on getting married than what I looked like.Youll get swept up in the occasion.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2013 21:52

Why bother with a formal wedding if it's making you feel like this?

Weddings are supposed to be fun...a day to remember for the rest of your life.

Not everyone is cut out to 'stand on display' no matter what they look like.

Why not have a very small intimate wedding? After all, it's the marriage that's important.

Bearbehind · 18/04/2013 21:52

It might not be relevant but I hated the fact that all wedding dresses seem to be strapless and didn't suit me at all (my back tits were bigger than my front ones!). Try looking at different styles.

YoniTrix · 18/04/2013 21:53

My sister was a size 20+ when she got married, she looked amazing and radiant and had a fabulous day. I'm sure you will too.

Pollykitten · 18/04/2013 21:53

Your mother sounds like a delight. There are always people bigger/smaller, prettier/less attractive, smarter/stupider than us. Perhaps you are comparing yourself to a completely unrealistic ideal (5'4 with size 5 feet, for example). Can you focus on what your 'best you' would look like and also on finding a lovely dress that will show off your height and other good points? I had my wedding dress made for me by a lovely Chinese woman who copied a Jenny Packham dress for a fraction of the price - I found wedding dress shops quite stressful actually.

Have a look online for dresses you like, read up on what shapes are good for your bodyshape and above all, on the whole people LOVE a wedding and are wishing you the very best.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 18/04/2013 21:53

I was a fat bride, and I felt awesome on my wedding day. I looked ok I think, and I always loathe my appearance. My mother is one of life's negative people, she'll always fixate on something negative. Took her dress shopping. Her final comment on my chosen dress was, "well, it isn't as flattering a style as you could have chosen"... Eventually I just ignored her negativity and got on with it. One of my friends said to me at my wedding, that she had never been to a wedding where the bride hasn't looked the best she had ever looked, and that's really true for me too, and I'll bet it's mainly the happiness that just radiates from someone who is marrying the person they love with all the people they love around them.

Sidge · 18/04/2013 21:54

IMO all brides look beautiful regardless of whether they are tall, short, fat, thin, blonde brunette or redhead.

You are marrying the man (or woman!) you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, in front of people who love and care for you.

That is reason to glow, to radiate beauty and happiness. It doesn't matter at all what number is on the label of your wedding dress.

Jengnr · 18/04/2013 21:54

I was the fattest I've ever been on my wedding day. And all anyone commented on was my smile* because as I walked down that aisle I couldn't stop grinning. I was radiant that day.

You will be too! Happiness makes you beautiful, fuck your size. Get the dress that makes you feel incredible and you will look it. Trust.

*I tell a lie. One of husband's mates (not usually a perv) said 'look at her tits' :)

Softlysoftly · 18/04/2013 21:54

I made the mistake of going "natural" makeover on my wedding day, because brides are delicate bushing flowers aren't they?

In hindsight that's not me I should have vamped out in the red dress and dark makeup I saw first!

Fuck your family and trying to feel all delicate it's clearly but sitting well with you. The man you are marrying loves YOU so be YOU.

Wear what makes you feel good not some white dress virginal dictate!

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 21:56

Firstly, you are the most BEAUTIFUL woman in the world in your fiances eyes, and when you walk down that aisle all he will be able to think is how LUCKY is he to get to marry you.

Secondly, avoid any idiotic, judgemental, foot in mouth twats who make you feel bad, even if its your own mother. Surround yourself with positive people who love you and will make you feel good about yourself.

Thirdly, you won't even be giving this a second thought on the day itself! You'll be too busy getting married and being busy and happy and wonderful.

hairtearing · 18/04/2013 21:56

Thankyou for the replies, I was expecting harsher from AIBU.

I hope so, I'm ordering a fitted of shoulder gown, so hopefully it will be flattering,

I thought halters were recommended for broad shouldered women? (who knew)

yeah my mum I dunno, she comes across as quite self absorbed, constantly bangs on about how good looking she was in the day, I think she's disappointed she got landed with an ugly daughter. She does sometimes say nice things but it feels disingenuous if anyone has experienced that with their mum.

getting quite tearful now.

OP posts:
Pollykitten · 18/04/2013 21:57

Ooo yes softly lots of scope with vintage dresses, bright red lips and hair rolls too...

apostropheuse · 18/04/2013 21:58

OP Take a deep breath and actually think about this. Your fiancé is marrying you because he loves you. He can't be exactly repulsed by you, now can he? He obviously wants you to be his wife, whether you look gorgeous, plain or somewhere in between. Does it really matter about what anyone else thinks? It's all about you and him declaring your love for one another and pledging your commitment for life, not about the fripperies that makes up a wedding day.

I am sure you will look absolutely beautiful, even though you cannot see that. Many people don't see themselves how others see them. If you can try to be proud of who you are you will shine and people will not fail to see your beauty. You are a human being who is worthwhile and you need to remember that.

Your mother needs to butt out and you should just bloody tell her that.

Pollykitten · 18/04/2013 22:00

hairtearing it sounds like your mum is upsetting you more than perhaps even you know. If the best she can do is bring you down to compensate for her faded looks, then for goodness sake keep her at a (very long) arm's length. I am sure you are lovely and you deserve to feel lovely on your wedding day.

PacificDogwood · 18/04/2013 22:00

[raspberry] at your mum; I am really NOT impressed with her.

FWIW, I am a broadshouldered, big-boobed size 16 14, got married aged 31 in a fabulous preloved dress by a big name designer (the name of which I cannot even remember anymore...). I was dreading the whole being-looked-at all day, having photos taken, being the centre of attention. And yy to slimmer, younger, prettier bridesmaids.
I went dress-shopping with my size 8-10 mum who had to try on a number of dresses for me as all the sample sizes were far to small for me. Not ONCE did she make me feel awkward.

I had a brilliant day; I loved my dress, I was v happy about marrying DH and we had a fab day with our family and friends.

This was 16 years ago, the photos are a great memory and I look good in them.

My top-tip: go dress-shopping with someone who will be supportive, even when honest., Yes halternecks are probably not a great idea, but concentrate on what you DO like about your body, rather than what you don't and accentuate that. Do you have waist? Boobs? I bet you have legs to your armpits Envy. Find something you like about yourself and then make a dress show off that feature.

I totally agree that the wedding day has very little to do with how the marriage will work. Don't give in more importance than it deserves: it is a public marker of you and your fiance's committment to spend the rest of your lives together, no more and no less. A big celebration.
Like I said, our day was great, but not the best and not the most important day of my life. I get really cross with the hysterics over wedding days

Avoid shopping with your mum if she makes you feel crap. I'd even consider a personal shopper...

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