Should my daughter take the joke or is my brother unreasonable?

[YoniMacaroni]

My DD is 19, she lives away at uni - not too far away and will sometimes come home at weekends and she comes home in the holidays too.

She's in full time education during the week and works all weekend too. She does do the usual teenage thing of sleeping in late and going out drinking but not to excess. She still helps out at home when she's actually here.

Anyway my brother who has always been quite a joker always (without fail) says to her whenever/ he comes over usually in the afternoon - "so have you just got up then" - or he refers to her as scruff. She doesn't look untidy to me.

She's recently suffered through some minor depression and yesterday again when she came into the living room and he was there he said "have you just got up?", she did get a bit snappy and say "no, I haven't actually"

And I'd told him she was going to a buffet with her friends that night to which he said to her "oh you'll be alright because they do chips"

She used to be a fussy eater when she was little but she's definitely not now.

I could tell this comment annoyed her too.

When he left she told that she's fed up of the constant criticisms of her every time he sees her. I'm not sure if she's being extra sensitive because shes been so down lately and my brother doesn't mean it in a serious way.

Who is being unreasonable? I feel a little bit stuck.

She may have been being a bit sensitive if it was only now and then he'd make the comments, but it's every time he sees her, he's being a bit of an arse.

Tell him to stop. Outright. No explanations.
I've had this, for years, and if you don't face it head on, it just continues.
Not everyone can just shrug it off.

elQC - I agree entirely. DH and i know a couple where the husband's "amusing" spiel is to introduce people who've known eachother for 10-15 years. Eg "Mrs G, have you met your neighbour Mrs P", or "Mr G, do you know [Mr G's brother]? what a coincidence that you've got the same name". It was slightly funny the first time, but after many years it's just tiresome, and we tend to avoid them if we can. It's not the only irritating thing he does, but definitely the most irritating.

Your DD sounds as if she works extremely hard and these constant criticisms are bound to get her down. Your brother probably doesn't mean any harm but he should be told nicely that it's got to stop.

I have relatives like this and it's permenantly damaged my confidence. Not just being picked on - because that's what he's doing, he's picking on someone who he sees as more vulnrable than him, and because of their positions in the family, he has some authority over her - but because everyone else just let them get on with it, or expected me to laugh and shrug it off. OP, if it's upsetting her, why do let him get away with it? She might be technically an adult now, but if he's always done it and she's had no support over it all, then how does she know how to tackle family in this way, and how can she feel loke she even has the right to, if her own parents haven't nipped it in the bud?

Are you scared to tackle her because he used to be like that to you? Or because it's an unspokem rule that he gets away with this shit, because he'll kick off if challenged and so you have to keep him sweet? Or just merely an unspokem rule that if someone is being a cunt to another family member, then the rest of you sacrifice that person's feelings in order not to rock the boat?

He's responsible for this crap, but you're also responsible for not helping her. The act that he doesn't do it with your eldest daughter, or not with all or most of you, just shows it for what it is: bullying. Am sure he thinks it's banter, but he must also be able to see that it's unwelcome and one-sided. He's getting a kick out of making her feel crap; don't condone that, OP, please.

Permanently, even, aaargh!

if she is feeling down, your brother should be supporting her and being extra nice.

have a heart to heart with your brother.

My old dad had a line in jokes. Yawn, yawn, as it got a bit tedious and unpleasant at times. BUT nobody told him he was being an arse cos we loved him dearly too. I think with my dad it was lack of social confidence, that made him want to be life and soul of party type. Just saying ... you'd have to be 'kind' if speaking to your bro IMO. But I can totally see it form your dd's pov too, esp as I was on reeciving end of dad's 'humour' more than I liked.

A bad attempt at 'normal family banter' imo. As others have said, it sounds as though he's still treating her like he did when she was younger and trying to be playful and he's too socially inept to realise that she's actually taking it to heart rather than being slightly annoyed which is what he's after.

My uncles do it to me still (I'm 23 now) but between 13-19/20 it bugged me. One of them still calls me NikkiNooNoo

I just ignore/roll my eyes or give it back depending on what mood I'm in.

Op and newstart technically if you have a reason you can't be unreasonable. She is exhausted and that's the problem here. Having a blunt uncle isn't the end of the world but being depressed and overworked is a big problem. How about you ask him to subsidise her so that she can have one day off pee week? Maybe then she will be able to laugh.