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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should my daughter take the joke or is my brother unreasonable?

86 replies

YoniMacaroni · 17/04/2013 12:51

My DD is 19, she lives away at uni - not too far away and will sometimes come home at weekends and she comes home in the holidays too.

She's in full time education during the week and works all weekend too. She does do the usual teenage thing of sleeping in late and going out drinking but not to excess. She still helps out at home when she's actually here.

Anyway my brother who has always been quite a joker always (without fail) says to her whenever/ he comes over usually in the afternoon - "so have you just got up then" - or he refers to her as scruff. She doesn't look untidy to me.

She's recently suffered through some minor depression and yesterday again when she came into the living room and he was there he said "have you just got up?", she did get a bit snappy and say "no, I haven't actually"

And I'd told him she was going to a buffet with her friends that night to which he said to her "oh you'll be alright because they do chips"

She used to be a fussy eater when she was little but she's definitely not now.

I could tell this comment annoyed her too.

When he left she told that she's fed up of the constant criticisms of her every time he sees her. I'm not sure if she's being extra sensitive because shes been so down lately and my brother doesn't mean it in a serious way.

Who is being unreasonable? I feel a little bit stuck.

OP posts:
skippedtheripeoldmango · 17/04/2013 13:06

OP - he's an adult...is he really that incapable of reading her body language and responses? He knows....but he's too insensitive to do anything about it because HE thinks it's okay to treat her like this...

Your daughter deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.

Goblinchild · 17/04/2013 13:07

Perhaps you should explain to your brother that his comments are bothering her, and why. I had to do that with my father who made similar heavy-handed attempts at humorous communication that upset my DD.
He listened and changed. My brother didn't.

So my DD phoned my brother up at 4 in the morning to ask him something about her essay that he had information on, and expressed surprise that he was asleep as she's been working for several hours.
She did it again a week later, and he changed his comments about her slothfulness.

Marcheline · 17/04/2013 13:07

Why did her not invite her? That's odd. What do you think about it? Does he not like her?

TBH, if someone repeatedly behaved like that towards my daughter and no one else, I'd tell them to stop, quite forcefully.

I think you need to stick up for her. She's probably feeling a bit delicate anyway, she sounds busy and is just emerging from depression. Your brother is being an arse.

skippedtheripeoldmango · 17/04/2013 13:08

Nice one, Goblin!!!!

DeWe · 17/04/2013 13:09

I suspect the "just got up" he thinks he's being witty and amusing each time. I suggest you give her something to say that will be in kind. Can't think what, but I'm sure someone will think of something that puts him down.

BIL used to say every time he saw our dc "I'm your uncle B-that's the handsome one". One day dd1 (aged about 2yo) used the word "handsome" when she meant to say "fat", because to her that was the distinguished feature of uncle B. Once we repeated this to him he didn't say it as often. Unfortunately he still says it sometimes, ten years later. It wasn't funny the first time. Hmm

The chips comment depends on how he said it, he could have been being silly, or he could have genuinely wanted to reassure her that she'd be okay to go.

Either way I'd have a word with him, and tell him (quietly) that he isn't funny and he must stop it.

Goblinchild · 17/04/2013 13:11

We try and think of creative solutions if the obvious ones don't work. Smile
But I agree with all those who've said tell him. Bluntly and unambiguously, so he really understands that you aren't joking.
Then get creative if he's still an arse.
Did he say why she wasn't invited on the holiday?

Sugarice · 17/04/2013 13:12

Was the holiday while she was away at Uni?

Goblinchild · 17/04/2013 13:12

Oh DeWe, what a shock for him! Grin

Original poster
YoniMacaroni · 17/04/2013 13:13

The chips comment depends on how he said it, he could have been being silly, or he could have genuinely wanted to reassure her that she'd be okay to go.

She's really not a fussy eater anymore though so she would never have to be reassured about the food in any restaurant.

OP posts:
ChaoticTranquility · 17/04/2013 13:15

Explain to your brother that his comments are upsetting your DD. If he's a decent human being he'll stop.

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 13:16

She's in full time education during the week and works all weekend too.

This is the reason she is being unreasonable.

He is also being unreasonable and you should step in to protect your exhausted daughter.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/04/2013 13:16

I don't think you should tell him about the depression, that's quite private information, she may well be sensitive about it and it doesn't exactly sound as though he'd be her chosen confidante.

He should be able to be pleasant to her without needing a specific reason.

Sounds like he's just a bit inept, has got stuck in a rut with his view of her and can't think of anything else to say. He's just being a bit awkward. You could mention a few things she's doing and suggest he asks her about them, or, be more direct and tell him his repetitive unfunniness is starting to grate on you, so goodness knows how bored dd must be of it all.

willyoulistentome · 17/04/2013 13:16

I think you need to let your brother know to lay off. Normally it might be OK, just a teasing uncle. But not at the moment.

IloveJudgeJudy · 17/04/2013 13:17

I had a similar sort of thing with my DB. He kept saying stuff to DS2 who was getting upset (DS2 was 13). As soon as I said something to DB he was horrified. I said that DS2 thought he didn't like him because of what he kept saying to him. DB has changed and not said anything unreasonable since then. He hasn't changed and isn't "precious" around DS2 (which is not what we wanted, anyway), but has just stopped making certain remarks. Things are much better.

I think your DB has just got in his head that this is the way of his relationship with DD2. Just mention it to him. If he's any sort of an uncle, he'll be horrified and change stop making those remarks.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/04/2013 13:19

...and 'jokes are funny the first time. If they're not funny, they aren't jokes'.

LineRunner · 17/04/2013 13:19

It is really really boring and annoying when someone makes the same unfunny comments every time you see them.

I hope you encourage her to answer back.

'Have you just got up?'
'No. Are you still a twat?'

'They do chips there.'
'Go away.'

oldwomaninashoe · 17/04/2013 13:20

To the "Have you just got up" comment she should reply "No, but if I knew you were visiting I would have stayed in bed"

NewStartInSpring · 17/04/2013 13:20

She's in full time education during the week and works all weekend too.

This is the reason she is being unreasonable

Confused only on MN could someone who is at uni but still works part time be described as unreasonable.

nenevomito · 17/04/2013 13:20

I'd tell your brother to lay off with the comments. Its possible that he thinks he's being funny and affectionate and doesn't know that he's upsetting her.

Have a word. If he stops, brill. If he doesn't, he's an arse.

mmmuffins · 17/04/2013 13:23

Your brother sounds like my dad. My dad makes the same cracks about me every time he sees me. They aren't funny, and I don't appreciate them. Maybe it would be different if we had a good relationship otherwise, but these cracks make up a large part of our interactions! If I snapped back some retort, I got told off for not taking a joke and being rude Angry

In the end I concluded he just must not have a clue how to interact with me. We barely talk now.

Just FYI - I was really pleased one day when my mother randomly stood up for me and told him to knock it off. Perhaps you can try to help them interact a bit better (sorry, no suggestions on how to do this!)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/04/2013 13:39

Your brother sounds as if he doesn't know how to talk to her and is trying, in a really daft way, to reach her. Does your daughter make any effort to engage normally? I can understand that she might not like the comments but from what you've posted, there's no indication that she's anything other then sullen or silent? Apologies if I'm wrong about that but she's not a child, she's an adult too.

I would have a word with your brother and just ask him to stop. I'm sure he will. If he does it again in front of you, tell him in front of your daughter so she can see that you're not allowing it. Also suggest to your daughter that she tells him he's not funny even if he thinks he is.

crashdoll · 17/04/2013 13:41

Definitley YANBU.

My little sister is at uni gets these jokes constantly but she gives as good as she gets. Some people have no idea how to read body language and tone, so your DD is going to have to firmly put him in his place.

Katiepoes · 17/04/2013 13:44

Grr so-called 'funny' relatives with their one tired line, tell him to shut up. Throwing the 'oooh can't you take a joke' line is easily answered with 'yes, was that supposed to be one?'.

I have an aunt that never stops making cracks about me having a big bum. A family trait it seems - but only in her deluded mind. This is going on since I was about five - My Mum never once told her to feck off, even when I was in my teens and that nonsense bothered me.

valiumredhead · 17/04/2013 14:08

Sounds like normal family banter imo, she's 19 not 9, she can tell him where to get off if she wants to.

NewStartInSpring · 17/04/2013 14:13

there's no indication that she's anything other then sullen or silent

Omg. Seriously?

I know this is aibu and it gives people free range to nasty, but that's way harsh.

From what I've gathered, she's at uni living away from home, works part time, goes out with her friends for dinner and drinking.

But because she doesn't like the constant criticism therefore she is sullen. YABU and really rude.