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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was rude of my partner or was I just being annoying?

76 replies

RoxanneRedLight · 15/04/2013 12:40

My partner was on the phone to work Friday afternoon, when I realised that he had a doctors appointment on Monday morning (booked a couple of weeks ago) and wasn't sure whether he'd let them know or not that he would need time off work.

Because it was Friday afternoon and getting late the office would be closed during the weekend so it might be too late to say anything if he'd forgotten.

I walked up to him and he shooed me away with his hand and then i quickly said "just wanted to say don't forget about your GP appointment."

To which he said "I know" and then mouthed fuck off at me.

I know it's annoying to have someone interrupt you when you're on the phone, but I wasn't interrupting him to ask him what he wanted for dinner, I was only doing it for his benefit.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:00

(although yes, I'd leave him to it. His mess & he's hardly thankful Grin )

Ezza1 · 15/04/2013 15:00

Both.

You were annoying, so he was rude.

GoshAnneGorilla · 15/04/2013 15:01

O.P - Is he often rude and dismissive to you? Does this feel the the moment where you've realised how often this happens?

YoniLovesChachi · 15/04/2013 15:02

You should have left him to it when he waved you away and turned his back. There's not much else you can do to get someone to go away when you're trying to concentrate on a phone call that you don't want interrupted.

He shouldn't have sworn I suppose.

You're both a bit unreasonable, so I'd call it quits if it happened here.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:03

I think some people are posting without reading her later posts. This isn't a one off for him but OP says she doesn't swear at him like that herself.

That in itself is a bit of an issue isn't it?

Unless OP is fine with it Hmm

Wishiwasanheiress · 15/04/2013 15:05

Friday afternoon? And ur still fretting about this? It seems a small thing to be upset over for longer than half hour?

His train of thought was clearly being interrupted. U thought u were being helpful but were actually interfering. Both BU.

Now, let it go....

mumof2aimingfor4 · 15/04/2013 15:05

It all boils down to how you speak to each other normally. If im cooking and DP walks into kitchen he gets told to piss off out and is shooed into the living room, but its not said vehemently. If I told him to fuck off whilst on the phone that would upset him as its too harsh.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:08

Well it's clearly not settled well with OP, which is fair enough really as she doesn't talk to him like that (or so she's said).

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:09

Might be worth posting in relationships if you want a proper talk about it OP as AIBU is a flaming ground.

WhatTheWaterGaveMe · 15/04/2013 15:14

The fuck off depends on how you view swearing....my mums family swear like troopers so would not be unusual to hear it there.
Similarly, I use the word "idiot" a lot, to me it's trivial, but if I use it in reference to my OH " oh you idiot!" (even in a jokey way) he goes mad. He is so offended by the word idiot.

Had you argued or was the atmosphere tense beforehand?

To just say it rudely for one small thing seems excessive - I know me and my OH have said things like that but usually after a build up of things like "oh fuck off!"

What happened after?

mumof2aimingfor4 · 15/04/2013 15:18

Everyone is different. I wouldnt give a rats ass if DP spoke to me that way in that situation as im just not that type of person. If it was the other way round though he would probably be bothered. However if its something that happens on a regular basis it needs to be addressed.

Fenton · 15/04/2013 15:29

If DH told me to fuck off I would assume he was joking, and then when he finished with his phone call and wanted to speak to me I would tell him 'sorry, but you can't talk to Fenton right now, she has fucked off'

It honestly wouldn't upset me, but as others have said, that's us, - this is you.

I think you were justified in interrupting him actually, but that aside you still seem to be trying to justify it a couple of days later, it seems to have really upset you that he did this, - have you talked with him about it? - He probably hasn't given it another thought if you haven't.

TigerSwallowtail · 15/04/2013 15:59

He was a bit harsh in his reply but yabu to still be thinking about it 3 days later.

StuntGirl · 15/04/2013 16:05

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Just leave him to it next time.

fairylightsinthespring · 15/04/2013 16:10

I have no problem with having a phone conversation and having a minor request mouthed at me - I can process both things and deal with them. DH on the hand, hates it and frowns at me if I do a similar thing to the OP - usually he is on the phone to his mother and needs to remember to ask her something. Thing is, I know from experience that even if I remind him just before the phonecall he will still forget, so I do remind him during. he makes a big fuss and sighs and says "what, hang on mum, Fairy is trying to tell me something.." and then never says thanks for reminding him. It annoys me. OP, your DH was unnecessarily rude but as it was HIS work thing and would be entirely his problem if he forgot to tell them, I might have left him to it.

soaccidentprone · 15/04/2013 16:26

if my dh did this to me I would have a real issue with it and pull him up on it.

he has never said this to me, nor me to him.

I would ask him why he thought it was acceptable, and if he didn't have a good reason and apologise then I'm not sure what I would do, tbh

HazardLamps · 15/04/2013 16:39

You approached him intent on gaining his attention, he turned and walked away so that he could concentrate on his call, "shooing you away", as you put it (i.e. making it clear that he wanted to focus on the call) and yet still you persisted and talked at him/over the top of him or his caller?

I don't think you're controlling or trying to mother him or anything else that OTT but I sure as hell think you were annoying and that you were rude to interrupt another adult's call, especially a business one. I find someone doing that incredibly distracting (yeah, I know, I can't walk and chew gum!) and have spent what feels like years teaching my kids not to do it so I would be mighty pissed if an adult did it to me.

In short, I'd have said "fuck off" too!

bobbywash · 15/04/2013 16:51

context is one thing, tone is another, without knowing if the f word was said with a smile or aggressively, or in a mocking tone it's very hard to judge.

If it ws said in saliva spitting anger then yes, if it was with a huge grin then no. If you've pulled him up on it before, again yes. Still if I was on a work call I do the don't talk to me bit too, and would be a bit annoyed if someone did especially if I'm having to concentrate, I would probably say something after though rather than mouthing f off

HoppinMad · 15/04/2013 17:32

Yanbu

It was extremely rude of your dp, and its pretty obvious it wasnt in a jokingly way or you would not still be upset over it days later. Many pp have asked you whether this is the case, I personally think the question to be asking is, is it quite usual for you to be having to remind him of things, appointments etc?
My dh and I are both rather forgetful and have to remind each other, so if it had been us in this scenario he would have been quite grateful, and no way would he have told me to fuck off even if he had remembered the app. Its pretty horrible when you were trying to be horrible.

As for the 'mothering him' comments, I'd just ignore. People surely have very low tolerance levels if a slight interruption on the phone can make verbal abuse acceptable Hmm

Btw was it a very important phone call, was he speaking to his boss or someone? Not that it makes it ok for him to be so rude.

HoppinMad · 15/04/2013 17:33

Sorry should say helpful not horrible

Viviennemary · 15/04/2013 17:40

DH goes mad if I try to talk to him when he's on the phone. I just can't see the problem of reminding people of things. It doesn't stop me doing it though. Blush

woozlebear · 15/04/2013 17:44

It seems rude of him (unless you habitually say f off to each other and it's not so loaded).

However I cannot fathom why one person would remind the other about something like this. I might remind DH about something that I knew he hadn't done (like arranging annual leave for a hol we were just about to book) and was pretty urgent, but surely time off for his dr's is his own affair???? Esp as you had not idea whether he'd actually done it or not. So on that basis, to me, your behaviour seems pretty annoying.

But, every relationship is different.

QOD · 15/04/2013 17:56

My dh simply can't do more than one thing. He can either talk, read or text. He can't hardly have a 3 way conversation in person. Supposed to be a bloke thing, whereas women find it easier to juggle attention

Gales · 15/04/2013 19:36

I do think you were treating him like a child. That doesn't in any way excuse his reaction which was appalling, but maybe if he gets a lot of this, he snapped?

I have a friend who does it to me. Often calling/texting me to ask did I remember this or that and them reminding me again when we meet, or suggesting ways to do something I had under perfect control. She's very well meaning and I laugh it off by saying "yes mum" (and sometimes I have forgotten!) but it would drive me mad if I lived with her. It is also a way of making sure she's in control, nicely, but in control.

shewhowines · 15/04/2013 19:49

i think you are being given a very unreasonable pasting here. YWNBU and I would have done the same.

He would have been grateful if he had forgotten.
No excuse to swear at you like that

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