Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take back everything we bought my daughter?

80 replies

WestieMamma · 15/04/2013 08:55

My beautiful, kind, gentle daughter (19) has just been dumped by her boyfriend of 4 years :(. They've been living together for the last year in a town about a 2 hour drive away. She rang me yesterday evening in a terrible state so we went and collected her and her cat and brought them home.

Her stepdad wants to go back as soon as he can to collect the rest of her belongings including all the things he bought her when she moved out to help them set up home together, which means pretty much everything except the sofa and the tv. Do you think this is ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
WestieMamma · 15/04/2013 13:48

My daughter isn't a student at the university. She's doing a distance degree.

I think it's a good idea to give him the opportunity to buy some of the stuff. I hadn't actually thought of that. He isn't being an arse at all, he's actually a really nice young man.

The problem just seems to be that they have different expectations of what life should be just now. My daughter has AS so is quite quiet and homely, conscientious about her studies, and wants them to spend their time building a home together. He, on the other hand, wants a student life of being out socialising every night, pulling all nighters to meet deadlines, sleeping all day, and sees their flat as a crash pad. She finds it hard but tries to compromise, sadly he's enjoying himself too much to want to meet in the middle. Which is why I felt the breakup was inevitable.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 15/04/2013 13:57

I can't believe how vengeful people are!
He's a nice lad, they want different things. So he ended it. And they're only just adults anyway - would have been unusual if it did last.
And you want to swoop in and take away the very bed he sleeps on?
Please imagine if this was the other way round, what an arsehole we'd all be calling him!
OK, so you paid for the furniture... But has she been benefiting from reduced rent by getting to stay in his student flat? Some swings and roundabouts there, potentially!
Without details hard to know what is fair, but I think you should think first and act later.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 14:06

Well, if you like him, could you suggest that you take everything you might need now/cost a lot, and then give him a list of the rest (including his bed) and offer to collect it either now or in X number of weeks time at the end of term? (by which point he might have taken the decision to flat share with friends next year rather than live alone and be trying to work out what to do with all this furniture)

BeanieStats · 15/04/2013 14:35

Is this about recovering a few hundred pounds worth of stuff or punishing your DDs ex?

AThingInYourLife · 15/04/2013 14:48

FFS he's 19, sleeping on the floor until he can get himself a bed is no biggie.

The bed he's been sleeping in was not his and now its owners are recalling it.

He can't have thought his girlfriend's parents were buying him a bed.

He knows it's not his.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/04/2013 14:57

I'm with athing.

Why on earth would he think it was unreasonable? If he's a nice lad, he won't. If he's not, he kinda deserves it.

Why the assumption that the OP's DD should lose out here? It's her stuff, her parents bought it for her.

RandallPinkFloyd · 15/04/2013 15:06

I think it's a difficult one, especially as it's just a case of 'things just don't work out' rather than a specific incident.

She's your daughter so of course you can't be objective about it but you really can't call any of the things you gave to your daughter "ours". Unless the things were only ever on loan they belong to your daughter now. Whatever is to be done with them is her decision.

Once you give something away it ceases to be yours and you no longer have any say in what happens to it. Unless it was given with caveats that you retained some kind of ownership.

I understand it must be terribly hard to see her so upset but I think you may be focussing on this because you feel helpless. You can't do anything to stop her hurt but you can damn well get her things back iyswim.

If I were you I'd concentrate on the emotional side rather than the practical. I know it's hard but that's what she needs now, much more than she needs furniture. She just needs her mum.

Hugs to you all Thanks

Startail · 15/04/2013 15:08

I think in this situation some stuff is theirs not hers or his, it belongs to the house hold and if they split it belongs to the one who needs it most.

To take back the bed he sleeps on or the chair he sits in just to have it moulder in a basement is mean. As is wanting back every cheap bit of kitchen stuff.

When the OPs daughter moves out again, it may be to some where furnished or she may have a decently paid job and want to buy stuff that doesn't remind her of the past.

Stuff stuck in storage has a tendency to clutter both physical and mental space.

FanjoPaterson · 15/04/2013 15:13

I'd go get it all. It's your stuff.

Letting him buy it would be pretty fair, especially if he's not being a twat over the breakup.

BushCricket · 15/04/2013 15:19

I wouldn't take much of the stuff back either personally. They may well remain friends in time, and it would be a shame to have bad feeling about furniture you might not even use again.

GoshAnneGorilla · 15/04/2013 15:24

I would talk to him first and take it from there.

Naoko · 15/04/2013 15:39

Talk to both of them about it. You bought it for them, you didn't lend it to them, so it's theirs, not yours. My parents bought me and DP a bed when we first moved in together 7 years ago. We still have it and sleep in it. If we broke up tomorrow, I'd be horrified if they came and collected it because they paid for it.

You say he's a nice lad and it just didn't work out. When you take a deep breath for a moment and try to distance yourself briefly from how upset your DD is, do you actually want to leave him in an empty flat with an empty box to sit on and a camping mat for a bed? If not, try to reach some kind of reasonable split of the furniture, possibly with him paying for some of it or him keeping some and your DD keeping some.

K8Middleton · 15/04/2013 15:53

I think because they are both adults you should let them sort it out between themselves but be there to support your dd in her decision (ie going to pick stuff up if necessary).

I would have been mortified if my parents had turned up to take back what they had given after a split. Actually when I left xp I have a feeling his family did exactly that. One of the reasons I left as it happens... he could never cut the apron strings but mainly he was a hugely controlling selfish arse - so not the same circumstances at all but I think the consequences are relevant. XP took most of my stuff including my bed, vacuum cleaner, the sofa we had notionally bought together but I think I paid for, most of my furniture, kitchen stuff, the kettle wanker he gave me as a birthday gift, toaster that was apparently a gift for me and loads of other stuff. It was a cheap price to be shot of him and he had to pay for storage!!

My parents did come to help me move and were brilliant. It helped enormously at a very difficult time and I remember they were very supportive and didn't voice any judgements or make things harder which I am still very grateful for.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 15/04/2013 16:47

Is it a mattress and box springs or a frame and mattress?

I'm not sure I'd want the mattress back so if it is a frame and mattress I would take the frame and leave him the mattress.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/04/2013 16:57

The key term is

"to help them set up home together"

You bought them the stuff as a gift.

I think that you are on a sticky wicket both legally and morally to take everything that you bought "them set up home together"

HollyBerryBush · 15/04/2013 17:41

I'd go and get it back, with her consent.

Why should he benefit from someone elses generosity? It is quite normal to retrieve your belonging in the event of a split.

ladyjadie · 15/04/2013 17:59

I wouldn't see it as wrong to take the stuff back. Why should he keep it?

MimiSunshine · 15/04/2013 18:03

I think a lot of people are forgetting the ex is a student. If my bed was taken out from under me when I was studying, I'd never have been able to afford to replace it. And before anyone suggests it, no amount if staying in would have enabled me to.
The guy sounds like he broke up with your DD before things really got bad between them, does he deserve that punishment? I'm guessing they choose an unfurnished flat because they were moving in together, I doubt he would have chosen it if they hadn't.

The reasonable thing to do here is for your DDs personal items to be collected and before you drive up, the two if them discuss the joint items and who gets what and they split them. Your teenage daughter was living an adult life in an adult relationship, so you now have to encourage her to have an adult break up

TidyDancer · 15/04/2013 18:06

I would definitely get all the stuff back. In fact, I'll come with you if you want! I think I'd enjoy it!

ZZZenagain · 15/04/2013 18:11

I would just go and get it asap. As soon as possible after breaking up, you clear your stuff out. There's no reason for him to expect to keep any of it and if he is a nice guy, it wouldn't cross his mind that he would break up with your dd and keep the things you bought to set her up. If your dd moves out again soon, she will need it all and if not, she can try and sell it if she wants to.

He will get the basics he feels he really needs to have. From what you write , he doesn't sound as if he cares much about furnishings etc.

complexnumber · 15/04/2013 18:39

'I would definitely get all the stuff back. In fact, I'll come with you if you want! I think I'd enjoy it!' TidyDancer

Why do you think it would be an enjoyable experience? Do you normally enjoy being around the stressed and miserable?

Moominsarehippos · 15/04/2013 18:43

Poor girl! My heart was completely broken at her age and it took ages to get over.

What will you do with the stuff? I'd get it back, even if it goes to the charity shop.

TidyDancer · 15/04/2013 18:45

I wasn't being serious. Hmm The OP's DD needs a bit of support, that was all. It was meant in a jovial back up sense. I didn't realise it would be taken so literally. Confused

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 18:48

you mention that the sofa is his, how big is it? as in, will it do as a bed for the next few weeks until term finishes? I wouldn't expect him to continue to live on his own once DD has left he'll probably move in with a flat share or halls, so will have to do something with the furniture - if you leave it I wouldn't be surprised if he sold the bed over the summer.

HollyBerryBush · 15/04/2013 18:48

Any couple splitting up divides up their possessions accordingly a'la who owns what CD etc.

I fail to see that this is any different. I'm a great believer that you take from a relationship what you brought to it - nothing less, nothing more.

Just because he's a student, makes no difference.