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AIBU?

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Original poster

to take back everything we bought my daughter?

80 replies

WestieMamma · 15/04/2013 08:55

My beautiful, kind, gentle daughter (19) has just been dumped by her boyfriend of 4 years :(. They've been living together for the last year in a town about a 2 hour drive away. She rang me yesterday evening in a terrible state so we went and collected her and her cat and brought them home.

Her stepdad wants to go back as soon as he can to collect the rest of her belongings including all the things he bought her when she moved out to help them set up home together, which means pretty much everything except the sofa and the tv. Do you think this is ok?

OP posts:
IYoniWantToBeWithYou · 15/04/2013 09:20

Are both of their names on the lease of the flat?

McNewPants2013 · 15/04/2013 09:23

Hope your DD is ok.

I would take the stuff back

Original poster
WestieMamma · 15/04/2013 09:23

I don't think so. I think the contract is in his name, as he's the student at the university, but she is registered with the landlord (student housing association) as also living there.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 15/04/2013 09:24

Yes, go and get everything back asap.

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/04/2013 09:26

Yip, what everyone else said. Go and get everything back as soon as practical

chocolatebee · 15/04/2013 09:28

I agree with taking things you bought back.

When I split with an ex. His parents took everything they bought for us. Including a cot, clothes and a bath for an unborn baby.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/04/2013 09:42

Of course, why wouldn't you?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 15/04/2013 10:06

Certainly. Why should he gain so massively from things bought by you? You didn't do it for him, you did it for her. It's her stuff.

I would suggest going sooner rather than later. The longer he's left with it, the more arsey he may be when it comes to taking it.

Original poster
WestieMamma · 15/04/2013 10:16

Thank you all. We will go and collect it all. Can you tell that I'm a complete wuss and soft touch? :o

OP posts:
Startail · 15/04/2013 10:31

You obviously approved of the relationship and were prepared to help them.

Surely the other bed at least was as much a gift to him as your DD.

Setting up home with your BF should surely have more invested in it than a casual flat share.

I think you would be totally unreasonable to leave him sitting and sleeping on the floor.

Unless of course he's been a total two timing rat, which it doesn't sound like he has.

specialsubject · 15/04/2013 10:41

take back everything except the bed. Leave that as a lesson to all about what is the likely outcome of relationships that start at 15.

I'm sure your daughter is lovely, and he probably is too.

LilyAmaryllis · 15/04/2013 10:41

No take the stuff back. He can't deny that you or your DD bought it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/04/2013 10:45

Erm ... why would the BF expect to get the bed his girlfriend's parents bought? Unless he is a freeloader, in which case he kinda deserves to get caught out.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 15/04/2013 10:48

chocolate bee - that's awful. surely those things were bought for the baby not for the ex. They sound delightful.

colleysmill · 15/04/2013 11:10

I helped a friend move her stuff out after leaving her chap. She took everything she had bought - including the lightbulbs she had paid for.

aldiwhore · 15/04/2013 11:16

YANBU, but I think to be fair, a time frame and a conversation would be a good option. Just because he's dumped your DD does not make him evil. I think giving him chance to find new furniture would be fair, even if ultimately the furniture doesn't belong to him.

JessieMcJessie · 15/04/2013 11:19

19 is on the young side to be living with a boyfriend. She will be glad in time that he ended it.

Trills · 15/04/2013 11:25

YWB a bit U to turn up with a van without your DD having spoken to her ex at all.

Where is she going to be living? Will she actually want or need the furniture? If they can talk like adults he may be willing to buy the furniture from her, since he has a flat to keep it in.

ZZZenagain · 15/04/2013 11:27

yes, it is ok to go and pick it up. Surely he would not expect her to leave it there for him unless she has specifically said she wouldn't need it.

NatashaBee · 15/04/2013 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/04/2013 11:32

Fine but you or she could talk to him and see if he wants to buy any of it from you, unless she's rather take it all back.

He'll have no trouble finding replacement furniture cheaply, on Freecycle etc, through friends and local ads, especially in a university community.

I believe the nature of a joint gift in this situation is that it was to support their establishment of a joint household, which is not quite the same as a 'no strings' gift to them both as individuals. So, he's renaged on the development of the household, you can renage on the gift.

AnyoneforTurps · 15/04/2013 12:51

Unless he has been a total arse, I'd at least offer him the opportunity to buy "his" bed from you. However angry you are that he has dumped her, they are very young. Not many of us are still with our bf or gf from the age of 15.

How would you feel if the situations were reversed and it was your DD left lying on the floor because she had had the temerity to fall out of love?

JessieMcJessie · 15/04/2013 13:13

isn't it term time? exam time even? why did you bring her to home 2 hours away, shouldn't the priority be for her to stay somewhere near the university to finish her term?

FryOneFatManic · 15/04/2013 13:35

I think the ex is the uni student, not the OP's DD (unless I've read this wrong).

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 13:40

I'd go get it ASAP - right now he might be still feeling guilty enough to not make a fuss, give it another week or two and he might start gettnig a bit indignant and making it difficult for you to take 'her' stuff. Anything you don't want leave, but otherwise go get it all.

You might want to be vage as well, send him a message or call saying she wants to go get the rest of her stuff and would he mind being out when you do that. Save any arguments about what you are taking.