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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect the bride to pay for the whole bridesmaid outfit?

103 replies

Bridesmaid · 14/04/2013 10:48

I am a bridesmaid soon and the bride has gone to a lot of trouble to design and buy dresses. However, this is all she is buying.

We have had to buy our own shoes (which are bridesmaidy so I am unlikely to wear them again).

We are doing our own hair and makeup, which we are happy to do, but again we have to buy any accessories or makeup we need. (Again, pink blusher, which I will NEVER re-wear!)

Am I being mean?

Its just that I am not exactly well off and my sister, who is also bridesmaid is a student. She also keeps changing her mind about what she wants us to wear and my sister had ended up buying the wrong pair of shoes that she can't return. (Bride would say that the first pair are fine, but they are low heeled and my sister desperately wants high heels because she lacks confidence and thinks she's fat).

AIBU to expect the bride to buy a bridesmaid "outfit" not just a dress.

OP posts:
thefirstmrsrochester · 14/04/2013 16:40

I agree with everyone thus far who say if the bride is dishing out strict stipulations, then she should pay.
I'm sure some of the makeup counters would give you sample products (benefit and id bare minerals have been generous to me) if you turn on the charm. A sample of benefit blusher kept me going all winter.
Shoes, if you look to eBay, lots of folk will be getting rid of dressy sandals bought for christmas parties so you could luck out.

Maggie111 · 14/04/2013 17:17

yanbu - if she wants to dictate anything about your outfit she should pay.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 14/04/2013 17:23

I think if you have to pay you should get some say.

When I got married and had money u
I designed and had made the dresses and wraps, boughts shoes and Jewellery (including hair pieces) and got a hairdresser in to do their hair (all 5 of them!). Of course that did mean that I got to do whatever I wanted but they did get to keep it all too.

Your going to have to speak to her.

louwn · 14/04/2013 18:14

I am buying my bridesmaids dresses and they're paying for their own shoes or wearing some they already have - nude heels, not fussy about style etc. Im not planning in paying for hair/make up but may buy them a hair accessory and a little bag to match.

EllaFitzgerald · 14/04/2013 18:16

Brdgrl - Is it really an honour? I'm not convinced.

Picturesinthefirelight · 14/04/2013 18:20

I must have bought every wedding etiquette book out when u got married and all said it was the brides responsibility to pay for the bridesmaids dresses (the groom pays for the bouquets)

flowery · 14/04/2013 19:05

I didn't have bridesmaids because I had a very small budget and couldn't have afforded them a dress each let alone shoes etc

Didn't occur to me to be as cheeky as to say my friends could be bridesmaids but would have to buy the dresses. That would be putting them in an awful position, especially as we were all on student incomes at the time.

brdgrl · 14/04/2013 19:35

I must have bought every wedding etiquette book out when u got married and all said it was the brides responsibility to pay for the bridesmaids dresses

Really - just do a simple google search and you will see that the vast majority of "expert" guidance on the subject says the bridesmaids pay.

This isn't me arguing how I think things should be, but just saying what the etiquette people say!

Now, I did not have a traditional wedding myself, and I don't think that the etiquette books are always right...but that is a different matter altogether. If you want to talk about how things should be, then fair enough. But I am responding to the many posts here which are arguing that the bride-to-be is committing a breach of etiquette or custom by asking the bmaids to pay. She's not.

brdgrl · 14/04/2013 19:45

Brdgrl - Is it really an honour? I'm not convinced.
In that case, you should definitely decline to do it! I've always felt honoured and pleased to be asked, no matter what the style of wedding. It usually means the bride thinks a great deal of you and wants you to know that. Sounds like an honour to me. But maybe I just have nice friends.

BuntyCollocks · 14/04/2013 19:56

Bit of both here.

I/my parents bought my bridesmaids dresses. I paid for them to have their hair and make up done. But I was not buying their shoes. I didn't give a fuck what they had on their feet, so it was up to them if they bought new, and if they could be worn again.

If the bride has specified shoes, then YANBU. If its free choice, dig in your pocket or wear something you have.

Molehillmountain · 14/04/2013 20:01

We paid for everything for the bridesmaids. We did have the budget I guess, but it's a dubious honour being asked to have a possibly restricted experience at a wedding and then pay for an outfit you're unlikely to wear again that the bride has most of the day over. If you're asking bridesmaid to do the job in exactly what she'd have chosen to wear to the wedding were she not a bridesmaid then perhaps it's different. And if they offer to contribute, then fine.

flowery · 14/04/2013 20:01

I'm happy to take Debrett's as being an authority on etiquette, and their take is that traditionally the brides family pay for bridesmaids' dresses and accessories.

I'm not a big stickler for etiquette myself, and my reasoning for the bride paying isn't actually etiquette, it's courtesy and being considerate and thoughtful.

But if people are concerned with etiquette, Debrett's is clear that bridesmaids should not be expected to pay for their dresses.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/04/2013 20:06

I went for the quick google (as have never heard of bridesmaids being expected to pay being considered normal and was curious) and found, second on the list, topic clear in visible section: www.bridesmagazine.co.uk/planning/general/etiquette/2009/04/03/etiquette-dilemmas---bridesmaid-dresses

So, unless your wedding was in 'days of yore' it would seem it's normal for brides to pay.

montage · 14/04/2013 20:06

I am fascinated to know if the bride has actually stipulated pink blusher.

HorryIsUpduffed · 14/04/2013 20:09

I deliberately chose my bridesmaid a dress she could wear again, and we ended up splitting the cost iirc (including alteration costs). I have no idea what shoes she wore Grin but I definitely paid for her hairdressing and jewellery for the day.

I think that the bride and groom ought to bear the cost of anything they are insisting on - which includes hired suits, specific buttonholes, any other outfits, etc, and the unchoosable bits of the reception such as food, entertainment, etc. And ::hoiks bosom:: any necessary overseas flights for anyone whose absence would distress them.

NomDeOrdinateur · 14/04/2013 20:13

I think it's an honour to be asked (would be most chuffed if somebody asked me), but it's a potentially very expensive one so the bride should be very careful not to ask too much of the bridesmaids. That said, weddings easily become bloody expensive too, so it's only fair to be realistic in your expectations of what the happy couple can and should fund.

I bought lovely silk dresses for my bridesmaids, and deliberately chose a tea dress style with a sash to avoid alterations being needed, as my BMs and I were in 3 different counties (fortunately both were gorgeous and v slim, so I knew they would look great in anything). I also bought each of them a bracelet to match the dress, and did everything I could to reduce their transport/accommodation costs even though my DH and I were both very busy and broke students at the time. They took care of their own hair and make-up (and mine, bless their souls Grin), and wore shoes and jewellery they already had (as did I). I hope they were both happy with that - I'd have loved to do more but I just didn't have the money!

Picturesinthefirelight · 14/04/2013 20:26

I do have an etiquette book that belonged to my mother. I had a very traditional wedding. Invites from my parents everything done the old fashioned way.

Lovecat · 14/04/2013 22:24

I was perfectly prepared to pay for my BM dresses but they all insisted that it should be they who paid! I did insist on paying for the shoes as they were dyed to match and the outfits were teal green. So I have no idea who's right

nicelyneurotic · 14/04/2013 22:50

If bride is paying, she decides
If you are paying (for dress, shoes, whatever) you pick what you like!

I would get annoying having to pay for shoes I'd never wear again. You can do your own hair and makeup though - lots of brides do their own too.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/04/2013 23:14

I feel for you. My friend's DD got married at Christmas and they asked the bridesmaids to buy their shoes. I did think it was a bit off. Sorry, but I do. I don't think it's very nice to say "if you can't afford it you can't be in the wedding". It's especially unfair if they are shoes you wont wear again. I would also be pissed off.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 15/04/2013 14:38

Maybe it's an Australian thing, but I think it's pretty common for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses here.

Can't believe some people can't seem to have nice, normal, open conversations with their friends about this stuff. This thread is making me feel very grateful for my lovely friends.

FWIW, OP I think your friend is taking the piss by dictating the colour of blush you wear!

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2013 14:43

Anything specified by the bride (including pink blusher Hmm), should be provided by the bride. Why is she dictating makeup colours btw?
You'll look like a line up of Russian dolls in the photos.

2margarinesonthego · 15/04/2013 14:46

YANBU if she has dictated what you must wear down to the make-up (ffs!)

I let my bridesmaids wear whatever they wanted. They found something in Monsoon and although it wouldn't have been my first choice of colour/style I didn't care really. I was just happy they found something matching and paid for it themselves! We got married abroad so they needed versatile wardrobes and shoes they could wear through the fortnight.

I felt pretty cheeky even doing it that way tbh, I can't imagine dictating what they wore and then making them pay for it.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/04/2013 18:09

It used to be traditional that the bridesmaids would be provided with fabric by the brides family and they would make their own dress.

But its basic decency that if you are picking an outfit and dictating that that person wears it then you should be paying for it to not do so is odd.

If you are expecting the bridesmaids to pay for their own outfit then you need to be compleatly happy for them to chose it, I.e you say blue then totally expect any style outfit dress or trouser combo of any description in the prescribed colour.

Cookethenook · 15/04/2013 18:38

YANBU, this would piss me off.

DP had to hire his own suit to be best man at his friend's wedding. It was £70 for the day. The amount of money he spent it, i would have preferred him to spend a little bit more and just buy the sodding thing, but unfortunately the style the bride and groom wanted wasn't available to buy. At least he would have gotten something out of it that way. I'm going to sound so ungrateful, but I think the worst thing about it was the fact that they bought him a heinously expensive engraved silver bottle opener as a gift (which has never come out of the box as it seems too precious to use as a bottle opener!)- why not just buy the suits and do a small gift?!