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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect the bride to pay for the whole bridesmaid outfit?

103 replies

Bridesmaid · 14/04/2013 10:48

I am a bridesmaid soon and the bride has gone to a lot of trouble to design and buy dresses. However, this is all she is buying.

We have had to buy our own shoes (which are bridesmaidy so I am unlikely to wear them again).

We are doing our own hair and makeup, which we are happy to do, but again we have to buy any accessories or makeup we need. (Again, pink blusher, which I will NEVER re-wear!)

Am I being mean?

Its just that I am not exactly well off and my sister, who is also bridesmaid is a student. She also keeps changing her mind about what she wants us to wear and my sister had ended up buying the wrong pair of shoes that she can't return. (Bride would say that the first pair are fine, but they are low heeled and my sister desperately wants high heels because she lacks confidence and thinks she's fat).

AIBU to expect the bride to buy a bridesmaid "outfit" not just a dress.

OP posts:
TWinklyLittleStar · 14/04/2013 11:11

I paid for everything for my bridesmaids, including hair, but not shoes - but for shoes I said 'black'. Everyone has black shoes, so I didn't think that would be a difficult request.

andadietcoke · 14/04/2013 11:16

I have a pink Mac blusher I've rarely used in a very wearable shade. If it would save you even a couple of quid I'd be happy to pop it in the post to you - just dm me your address.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/04/2013 11:17

When a bridesmaid the bride bought my dress, I accessorised - as did the other BM, so we did look a little bit different. She paid for our hair, we did our own make-up.

If she's happy to let you choose, fine, if she's specifiying particular products, she should buy them.

How many fittings do you need for a BM dress? Surely no more than one?

QuintessentialOHara · 14/04/2013 11:17

Why are you sulking and giving "attitude" OP, most of the posters agree with you, and are helpful.

OOAOML · 14/04/2013 11:17

If she wants specific shoes she needs to pay for them. I didn't pay for my bridesmaid's shoes, because after we tried on lots of pairs she said she would rather wear shoes she already had. I would never have thought of imposing a certain shade of blusher on her, but if she is then she should be paying for that as well.

pollypocket82 · 14/04/2013 11:18

Has she specified a certain pair of shoes or just said get something that fits the colour scheme? If it's the latter, I don't think it's hard to pick a pair you'll wear again. I paid for the dress, hair, accessories, jewellery etc for my bridesmaids but let them wear black shoes of their choice - mainly because I knew they all had different heel height, comfort and style preferences. They preferred that.

If you weren't her bridesmaid, would you have bought a new dress, shoes, hair accessory or make-up for this wedding? Is being bridesmaid really costing you more? Find a few pair of shoes you'd wear again and run them past the bride. This isn't anywhere near as big a problem as you think. She's probably very stressed and skint too tight now so give her a little support rather than more problems. She'll love you for it!

firesidechat · 14/04/2013 11:20

When my daughter got married she paid for dresses and shoes; jewellery was bought by my daughter, borrowed or already owned by bridesmaids; everyone did their own hair and makeup, including the bride.

We paid for accommodation for the bridesmaids and their partners/husbands on the night before wedding and the night after, so that they had to pay for as little as possible.

It seemed like the right thing to do, it wasn't ridiculously expensive and no opportunities for resentment. Weddings can be very expensive these days, but guests have to spend alot just to attend and it only seems fair to recognise this.

MidniteScribbler · 14/04/2013 11:21

I've only been abridesmaid once, but the bride paid for the dresses and had someone come in to do our hair and makeup. The accessories were given to us by the bride as a thankyou gift. The only thing we paid for were the shoes, but we all went shopping together to pick and got something we all liked. I thought that was fair. It shouldn't cost people a fortune to be a bridesmaid.

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/04/2013 11:22

I didn't buy my bridesmaid's shoes, but I just asked them to get some nude court shoes - something they found comfortable and would wear again. One already had a pair, other bridesmaid tried them on, liked them and bought the same pair, so job done! But they were very much shoes that could be worn again, not some kind of poncy pink satin job.

I paid for dresses and all hair accessories though.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 14/04/2013 11:25

QuintessentialOHara - where has OP been sulking and giving attitude

are you reading another thread?

firesidechat · 14/04/2013 11:25

Just to add that my daughter wanted a certain look, so picked the dresses and shoes herself. That's why she paid. Other weddings may well be different.

QuintessentialOHara · 14/04/2013 11:27

"Yeah I'm being silly. I'll suck it up now"

Picturesinthefirelight · 14/04/2013 11:27

Don't wear pink blusher then!

But seriously, my bridesmaids wore ivory satin shoes so i bought them. YANBU

Picturesinthefirelight · 14/04/2013 11:28

I also bought the jewellery as a present to them.

popcornpaws · 14/04/2013 11:31

YANBU The bride should pay for everything, I don't understand why you would be expected to buy anything at all!

flowery · 14/04/2013 11:33

If she is specifying which shoes, which accessories and which blusher (?!) to wear, she should buy.

If she's not said accessories or blusher are compulsory, don't wear either. Why would you wear blusher if you don't normally? And as you can get one for £2.50, not sure it's a massive hardship anyway...

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/04/2013 11:48

Every time I've got married I've chosen and paid for everything for the entire collection of people actively involved its the done thing.

However I did once get grief on one of mine because I asked bridesmaids if they would mind if I kept the dresses jackets and tiaras incidentally I had a very good reason and I had also given each one a voucher for £150 for clothing shops I knew they liked.

My good reason was a friend who was dying who wanted to get married to the father of her child before she did but was skint she was the same size as me and was using simerler sized bridesmaids and her dp and I had plotted so I picked stuff I knew she would love and his parents had booked and paid for reception venue and I gave all the bridal party clothes and all flowers ect. She had a wonderful day and died less than a month later.

The bridesmaid who gave me grief and a mega guilt trip about me wanting them not to keep the dresses was supposed to another good friend of hers and knew the reason.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 14/04/2013 11:52

Hmmm.

I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses/flowers/hair but told them to wear whatever shoes they liked (within reason!) as I was pushed for time to find three pairs of shoes that three very different women would all like. They seemed fine with it and it didn't occur to me that I might have made a faux-pas Confused

I don't know if YABU. What are the dresses like?

flowery · 14/04/2013 11:54

Marmalade if you told them to wear whatever shoes they liked you were fine imo.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 14/04/2013 11:56

Thanks, flowery!

Sometimes I feel like my wedding must have offended EVERYONE, judging by some of the wedding threads on MN (didn't have a giftlist,asked for Ikea vouchers if people asked, invited folk to evening only, bridesmaids bought own shoes...)

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/04/2013 11:57

IMO, if the whole outfit is being dictated to you by the bride, then she ought to pay. However, if you've been given free reign to choose elements - ie shoes, make-up, jewellery - then it's perfectly reasonable to expect the bridesmaid to pay.

When I got married, we were on a mega budget so I paid for the bridesmaids' dresses but they sorted their own shoes, hair & make-up. I did give them each a necklace to wear on the day as a present too which I hope they liked but I have never seen any of them wear it since.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 14/04/2013 12:01

Smite, I received a beautiful necklace from my BF when I was her bridesmaid but I admit I have never worn it. It's in a keepsake box with other precious things. I've lost so many necklaces that I am scared of losing this one Blush I only ever wear cheap costume jewellery now Grin Maybe your bridesmaids are keeping theirs as a memento, or even to pass on to DD's?

gail734 · 14/04/2013 13:03

Bridesmaid Will she end up being your bridesmaid one day? If so, you could just make her suffer then! My bridesmaids offered to buy their own shoes and did so together, but without me. I didn't like what they chose, but kept it to myself.

MissLurkalot · 14/04/2013 13:05

Yes, you are being mean.

Fraggle3112 · 14/04/2013 13:21

I was a bit of a self confessed bridezilla when I got married and had very specific ideas as to what I wanted my bridesmaids to wear and look like therefore we paid for all accessories and got makeup and hair done professionally which again we paid for. I think if you ask people to buy their own you have to let them have some say in what they are buying!