Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect the bride to pay for the whole bridesmaid outfit?

103 replies

Bridesmaid · 14/04/2013 10:48

I am a bridesmaid soon and the bride has gone to a lot of trouble to design and buy dresses. However, this is all she is buying.

We have had to buy our own shoes (which are bridesmaidy so I am unlikely to wear them again).

We are doing our own hair and makeup, which we are happy to do, but again we have to buy any accessories or makeup we need. (Again, pink blusher, which I will NEVER re-wear!)

Am I being mean?

Its just that I am not exactly well off and my sister, who is also bridesmaid is a student. She also keeps changing her mind about what she wants us to wear and my sister had ended up buying the wrong pair of shoes that she can't return. (Bride would say that the first pair are fine, but they are low heeled and my sister desperately wants high heels because she lacks confidence and thinks she's fat).

AIBU to expect the bride to buy a bridesmaid "outfit" not just a dress.

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 14/04/2013 13:27

I think both you and the bride are BabitU.

It's fair enough of her just to pay for the dress, and expect you to pay for the rest. That's the expected part (ime) of being a bridesmaid.

BUT I don't think she should be able to dictate style/height of shoes, or the colour of makeup!

I am bridesmaid for a friend next year, she has told me she wants me in cream shoes. Beyond that, I can pick what I want. Just so long as they are that colour - as I am paying for them, I think that's absolutely fair enough.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/04/2013 13:29

my bridesmaid wore a dress she already had and we went with that for the colour of the wedding. good job I loved the colour even though mil thought it would clash with my hair

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 14/04/2013 13:54

Can you find shoes on eBay? I got some cream sling back sandals with diamanté for the last wedding I bridesmaided for for £3 then have them to charity.
Also - do your own makeup with stuff you already have. Surely she hasn't specified blusher colour? If you don't own makeup then share another BM or go and buy some cheap Barry M stuff or something.

MrsSnow · 14/04/2013 13:58

Share the makeup with your sister or the bride.

Shoes are personal eg fit etc so she probably thinks she is being nice.

kinkyfuckery · 14/04/2013 14:09

Is it your SILs wedding by any chance?

MamaBear17 · 14/04/2013 14:11

I am in the same position and sympathise. The bride has bought my dress, but it needs alterations because it is too long. When I tried it on her words were 'well, I am really happy with it, you look beautiful. But, if you want to take it and get it altered then that is up to you'. I took the dress and got some quotes for alterations coming to almost £35. I need to have it altered because It drags on the floor and the straps fall off of my shoulders. I have to buy my own shoes too and the style and colour are the type that I will never wear again. The outfit costs, plus wedding present costs, plus hotel, plus hen night costs mean that it is starting to be a very expensive privilege! For my own wedding I bought everything - outfit, shoes, hair, etc because I thought I was supposed too! I havent said anything but I really dont think I can do anymore costs so im hoping that is it!

DeskPlanner · 14/04/2013 14:52

Has she really stipulated pink blusher only ? Shock Because, that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard. Hmm

Fairydogmother · 14/04/2013 14:56

YANBU

I'm buying dresses, jewellery, shoes, hair and makeup for my 2 bridesmaids as its my day - why should they be out of pocket? They can supply their own undies tho lol.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 14/04/2013 15:09

I always think that if the bride is specifying what you have then she should pay. It's rude to dictate what someone wears but then expect then to fork out for it.

I paid for my bridesmaids dress and shoes but they paid for their own hair accessories because they could choose what they wanted, if anything. They also paid for their hair and make up to be done because it was up to them whether they had the professional do it or did it themselves.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 14/04/2013 15:10

I also paid for any alterations they needed to the dress.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 14/04/2013 15:22

I just asked my bridesmaids to wear a green dress, then we all went out and chose shoes together that they were all happy with, and which they paid for (The were cheap though). They did their own/each others' hair and makeup. They were perfectly happy with this arrangement and all looked stunning and individual.

If I had been more prescriptive, I would have paid.

Wedding threads on MN crack me up, I'm sure our wedding broke all the "rules" but we thought it was fabulous, and our guests still talk about how much they enjoyed it.

BackforGood · 14/04/2013 15:30

I too bought the bridesmaids dresses. My Mum made them an accessory for their hair, and they provided what they wanted to wear on their feet - no need to match or be a cetain style. When they had a dress fitting, I drove them there, but it was only once for the initial measurements and once at the end, when they were made. People I chose were perfectly capable of deciding what make up they wanted to wear (if any) and applying it themselves, and same with hair - up to them if they wanted to go to a hairdresser or not.
Ultimately, the bridesmaids should not be out of pocket, but then nor should they feel unable to say "Don't be ridiculous" if she starts saying you have to wear a particular blusher or whatever - surely you are close enough to someone to say that to them, if you are going to be their bridesmaid ? Confused

EllaFitzgerald · 14/04/2013 15:53

If she's specifying what she wants you to wear, (be it dresses, shoes or make up) then I think she should definitely pay for it. I don't think that bridesmaids should be out of pocket because a bride wants her wedding to look coordinated. Weddings are expensive enough for people to attend without the cost of new outfits.

My bridesmaids chose their own dresses and shoes and two offered to pay for them, but I paid because they were only buying them because of my decision to get married. The third wanted to wear a dress she already owned but never got the chance to wear, and I paid for her shoes. None of them matched. I look back at the photos and they all look stunning.

sherazade · 14/04/2013 16:02

Why do you need to buy bridesmaidy shoes? Aren't you allowed to pick shoes that yo could wear again, or wear some dressy shoes that you might already own? is there anyone you could borrow from? And why do you need to buy makeup, and why cannot you get your hair done by someone? soryr for allt he questions but it seems odd this has all been imposed on you. I would
-wear my own shoes
failing that
-buy dressy shoes that I could wear again
-try ebay

I would use makeup I already have, or spread the cost with other bridesmaids and use the same blush.

There isn't enough info here for me to say whether or not yabu,
if she said choose own shoes then YABU, if she said these duck egg blue stain finish ones from bridesmaid shop and nothing else, then yanbu.
If she said you must buy this pink blush despite the fact you don't seem keen on it then yanbu, if she never mentioned makeup then yabu.

Fleecyslippers · 14/04/2013 16:07

She's making you wear pink blusher ? Which, presumably, you wouldn't normally wear ?

Can I award her the 'Most Bridezilla bride EVER' award ? Grin

PearlyWhites · 14/04/2013 16:09

Yabu

armagh · 14/04/2013 16:11

Bride should pay for what's on view on the day. If shoes need to be a particular colour/ style bride pays for them too.

brdgrl · 14/04/2013 16:15

I did not pay for my bridesmaids' dresses, apart from that of my DSD, and am pretty sure that there is no conventional etiquette requirement to do so; in fact, that is usually seen as part of the bridesmaid's responsibility.

Obviously, it is a nice gesture if the bride wants to do it.

I didn't specify a dress or style, although I did ask the bridesmaids to choose a "dark blue dress".

That's all I asked of them - no prescriptions on shoes, makeup, etc!

BackforGood · 14/04/2013 16:21

I agree with most - if it's something you have anyway, then it's fine that the bride doesn't necessarily replace it with a new one, but if it's something that has to be bought especially - because the bride wants everything to match - then she needs to pay for it.

PuppyMonkey · 14/04/2013 16:25

I'm actually a bit shocked that sone brides think it ok not to pay for bridesmaid dresses. Broken Britain etcGrin

Pink blusher though, just buy some between you from Aldi...

PuppyMonkey · 14/04/2013 16:26

Some brides

brdgrl · 14/04/2013 16:31

puppymonkey, there are loads of ettiquette guides for brides...most say it is the responsibility of the bridesmaid...and not just stodgy old-fashioned ones.
I'm actually surprised that there are bridesmaids who don't see it as their responsibility and part of the deal when they accept what is suposed to be an honour.
I've been a bridesmaid five times and a maid of honour three times...always got my own dress (except for when I was a student and in my sister's wedding and then my mother paid for it).

ENormaSnob · 14/04/2013 16:36

If she chooses - she pays.

If you choose - you pay.

Imo obviously.

foslady · 14/04/2013 16:37

I can never understand why people don't ask what's being paid for and what isn't when they're asked to be bridesmaid?
1st time round, my parents and the in laws paid for the respective dresses, they bought what shoes they wanted and I bought the head dresses (this WAS the '80's!), 2nd time round I bought the lot, but both times made sure EVERYONE knew who was responsible for what I could and couldn't afford to pay for.

ENormaSnob · 14/04/2013 16:38

I've been a bm 4 times and never paid for any part of the outfit.