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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

She smacked my daughter... WWYD??

744 replies

Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 12:53

In shock, just come home from a soft play place, went with some other mums that I have just started getting to know. DD (4 years old) being unruly - we are going through a phase at the moment, one of the other mums just picked her up and smacked her on her bottom. I was completely stunned - I would never hit a child my own or someone elses... DD in tears i just gathered up DS's stuff took DD and left.

I want to pick her up on it, or call the police or something..... sorry dont have anyone in RL i cant speak to right now so sorry for ranty message im just still stunned!

WWYD?????

OP posts:

Report

TumbleWeeds · 08/04/2013 14:01

Here is another way to look at it.

A new mum has started to come with us to our outings to soft play etc... Once again, she left her dd unsupervised and that child attacked my ds who was nicely playing in one of those big plastic car. She wanted the car and was pushing and hitting and my ds got quite upset about it.
Again the mum did nothing to prevent the attack and she took her time to intervene.
The little girl stayed away for a few minutes and then went right back to push my ds out of the car again and the mum did nothing again so I intervene as I couldn't stand my child being pushed over one more time.

I am not saying that this is what happened because it is impossible to know from the Op's posts.

But I agree that you should seriously look at how you handle your dd. Seeing the circumstances, you could have taken her with you when you change your ds nappy. You could have kept a close eye on her after time out. You could have kept her to your side or move around with her to prevent any more problems.
Oh dear, this bring back so many memories (and also the reason why I didn't go to soft play etc... for some time with my 2 as I couldn't give the right level of supervision to avoid that sort of situations)

XBenedict · 08/04/2013 14:02

Good point TumbleWeeds (not saying this is what happened OP) but still doesn't justify the smack I'm afraid.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/04/2013 14:04

I'd have been livid but i disagree with smacking children. Its assault to hit an adult yet we allow people to do it to children who cannot protect themselves.

There is no excuse for her behaviour. However perhaps your friends think you are oblivious to your child being naughty and are totally fed up of it. However as aduts they can simply choose not to playdate with you until your daughter can behave. She is four, not a toddler, and excusing bad behaviour as a stage is doing you no favours.

SauvignonBlanche · 08/04/2013 14:04

I don't think you should expect to have to protect your child from assault by adults though.

arabesque · 08/04/2013 14:05

I think suggestions that the OP call the police are ridiculous.

A mother trying to look after her own children and being driven to distraction by another unruly and badly behaved child to the extent that she gives her a swift smack across the bottom has behaved ill advisedly and should be ashamed of herself.
But she's not a criminal! By reporting her you could end up causing all sorts of problems for the family which could impact negatively on her children.

Viviennemary · 08/04/2013 14:05

Of course she shouldn't have done this. And there is no excuse. Did you actually see it happen. And was your DD hurting her child.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:05

In that scenario, I would talk to the child. I would explain the need to share etc. If the child continued I would remove my child from harms way and speak to the mother.

No way in hell would I hit a child.

ICBINEG · 08/04/2013 14:06

tumble yes but the correct ending to your story is...

"I couldn't stand to see my DS hurt so I picked him up to make him safe and then spoke to the unruly child's mum to point out that if she couldn't adequately supervise two children, then maybe she shouldn't bring them to soft play."

and NOT "I couldn't stand to see my DS hurt so I hit a four year old child".

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:06

sorry, that was in response to tumbleweed

LovePickles · 08/04/2013 14:07

Tumbleweeds - all very reasonable until you left out 'so I intervened by picking up that lady's child, and hitting her'. The correct way would have been 'so I intervened by picking up my child, walked over to the offending child's mother, and explained that she had not seen her daughter hitting my child'.

Anyone would agree with that series of events, possibly even the OP, who probably would have agreed and told her daughter off accordingly. Except what that lady did totally overshadowed the child's behaviour, so what did it achieve?

Stepissue · 08/04/2013 14:08

Not sure the police would do anything, I remember recently seeing that a Boots Shop Assistant smacked a customer's child and I don't think they would act.

Will try to find link.

Stepissue · 08/04/2013 14:08

Daily Mail link:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2302935/Boots-worker-smack-year-old-girl-knocking-bottle-Dettol-shelf.html

defineme · 08/04/2013 14:08

I wouldn't call the police.
I would deal with this myself.
I would explain to dd that we were never going to see this friend again because anyone hitting her is unacceptable.
I would ring the friend and explain that I was cutting her off because of this.
I would keep on with the managing behaviour strategies that you've got.

I have no problem with people telling my child not to do something, or even physically removing them when they were small, hitting them is way over the line, just like it would be if they hit me.

JenaiMorris · 08/04/2013 14:09

Twatting another mum at soft play would have really helped

Tumbleweeds is talking sense.

OnwardBound · 08/04/2013 14:10

Yes, but TumbleWeeds there are different ways to intervene as I outlined in my above post.

As a last resort, if your child is being attacked, it may be that you have to remove your child for their own safety. And then have a sharp word with mother of aggressive child asking for a bit more supervision and assistance in the future.

But there is no excuse I can see for taking it upon yourself to physically discipline someone else's child.

And really, the irony of it, so a child is pushing and hitting and an adult "sorts it out" by hitting the child in return.

What sort of message does that send? That it's okay to hit if you are bigger and stronger and are pretty sure the person you are hitting won't be able to retaliate or overpower you?

Also that 4 year old child who is still learning about their emotions and how to control these is not allowed to slip up and get overwhelmed by aggression but an adult loses their temper and lashes out and this is okay somehow?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:10

I saw someone smacking a child in the playground years ago. The police were called - a confrontation developed between the partner of the wman who samcked, and the mother ofnthe child whomwas smacked.

I would hink there was something seriously wrong with the impulse control of an adult who did this. In the case the smacker seemed drunk.

As with anyone who behaves aggressively to their own child, or someone els's in public, i would assume worse was going on at home. So involving the police would seem a good idea.

BlueberryHill · 08/04/2013 14:10

LovePickles I agree also. The other mother was well out of order, if she felt so strongly why not talk to your DD and say,' just wait a minute my DD is still playing with it, you can play with it after her.' Instead she resorts straight away to smacking her, it says far more about her parenting than it does yours.

I wouldn't call the police about this, its overkill. If I saw her out again I would watch her like a hawk. Chances are, based on the text from other mums that they are also a bit shocked about what happened.

MadameJosephine · 08/04/2013 14:10

I'm sorry but I think she is a criminal arabesque. If she'd hit the OP she would be guilty of assault so surely it's worse to strike a defenceless child?

OnwardBound · 08/04/2013 14:13

Sorry all those were not specifically directed at you Tumbleweed they are in response to the OP itself.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:13

Agree with you Fairylea

JollyPurpleGiant · 08/04/2013 14:13

OP, I haven't read all the comments from others, but I think your reaction was very impressive. I would not have been able to keep my cool in this situation and would have ended up swearing at her and losing the plot completely. Which would simply have taught the children around that it is acceptable for adults to behave like that.

You do need to deal with the situation now though, away from children, and I think calling 101 would be the sensible way to go.

Obviously it would be sensible for you to explain to your DD that you are dealing with the situation in an adult way and that the other mother's behaviour was entirely inappropriate and wrong and should your DD ever be treated like that again by anyone she needs to tell you immediately so you can deal with it.

DeskPlanner · 08/04/2013 14:14

I would have punched her fucking face in, call the police. It's not to late, ring them now, they will try and find the evil bitch.

Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:15

Thanks Tumbleweeds for that perspective and I can see it could be perceived that way, and i think we have all beenin that frustrating position when mums sit around drinking coffee and chatting whilst their DCs make mayhem. When i left to change DS nappy I took another child to the toilet at the same time, the child of the other mum was watching DD. I cannot abide bad behaviour in kids which is why DD has been such a challenge at the moment. Im on my own, if i dont take them both we dont get to go, i just didnt expect the other woman to hit my DD - she wet herself, ive never hit her before and i think she was quite stunned. she has a redish mark on her bottom and top of her leg which i have taken pics of and it clearly looks like a slap.

I havent yet responded to any of the texts because i feel silly for not challenging her behaviour. I wouldnt ever hit her but something along the lines of "how dare you" or something (ive had lots of good comebacks running through my head after the event!)

I'm of the belief that smacking is never justified, its a means of unleashing your own frustration not teaching your child that what they did/ are doing is wrong.

Times like this I wish I had DH here....

OP posts:

Tinks313 · 08/04/2013 14:15

I think as none of us were there it's hard to advise/comment.
If they are friends did she pick up her friends child and tap her on the bum whilst saying "you need to lesson in sharing". It's the tone and manner that it was done that is more important. I am not condoning what the friend did, I personally don't smack my children.

TumbleWeeds · 08/04/2013 14:15

Btw I completely agree that smacking wasn't the right response.

but I can see how I would have picked up the OP's dd up to take her away from that little boy....

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