to give DS 7 yo so much responsibility?

[Flojobunny]

DS gets breakfast ready, opens the curtains makes the beds, puts the rubbish out, puts the bins out on bin day, dresses himself, tidys the play room and his room, brings the laundry down, puts the laundry away and fetches lots of random items I need either upstairs or downstairs. When I wrote it down I realised it sounds like a lot. Exactly how bad is it?

My 7 year old -
Washes himself. Gets himself dressed. Sorts out his pe kit (he's has a preference in what he wears that week). Puts his dirty clothes in the wash basket. Tidies up after himself. Asks to hoover occasionally. Occasionally chucks a bag of rubbish down the chute. Occasionally dusts. Helps make lunch. Helps with the dish washer and sometimes will wash something. Will occasionally help with the washing. Occasionally take something upstairs (do me a favour take this up, or bring that down).

I don't shout orders at them. If he doesn't want to do something, oh well, it happens. Some days I don't want to do any of the gazillion things, and I wont. I don't have anyone guilt tripping me into doing it either.

If your morning are that erratic, look at ways of changing this.

I don't think its too much but I would be wary of maki g him 'man of the house' by default. He's still a child. I would also be wary of making him feel responsible for his sister.

I agree that barking orders does sound a bit much, however in another way, I am grateful for this thread, I realise I have mollycoddled my children terribly and that I need to expect more from them. They are 9 and 7 and I thought they couldn't put things in the dishwasher as it was a bit difficult, I often help them dress (!) and generally look after them to a great degree. I have also noticed that when I do ask them to do anything, even a tiny thing, they get moany and give excuses and there's a general lack of willingness to take part in household activities. I am really determined to at least set a morning routine (e.g. open curtains, make bed, dress self) as a minimum, we might get to the dishwasher later!

And, I showed them some posts on this thread and they both conceded they know they do very little and that other children do more chores than them (having seen them when they go round their houses). I am not suggesting full-on housework, but clearly I do need to let them take responsibility for self-care!

Sounds like you need to be more organised rather than sending him to do things

I was going to say that, Sirzy.

If you had more things organised the night before, your DS wouldn't have to do all the things you don't have time to do.

I don't make ds do too much around the house, but that is because he is NT. what he does do now, aged 12, is pop to the shops for me, make all his own snacks, organise his schoolwork and pe kit etc. I still think expecting a five year old to make their own packed lunch is just wrong. but if they like doing it, under supervision, it can be a fun activity I suppose. But not all on their tod. I was the fourth of six children and had chores all through my childhood, including cooking family meals at an early age, laying fire, cleaning toilet and bathroom and hoovering, as well as setting clearing table and doing washing up. I don't think it did me any harm at all. But it was clear that my brothers were not expected to do anything like the level of household chores me and sister had to do! I suppose for me its introduce the idea of clearing up after yourself, but not to the point it interferes with down time/play time etc. And not getting cross if they don't achieve adult standards. And never getting cross if they mess it up. You are teaching them standards, not scaring them into obedience and possible failure.

sorry, ds is not NT, has dyspraxia and tires very quickly. but we talk about what he can manage and work around that. hoovering is beyond him, he simply doesnt have the muscle tone to do it. but he loves cooking and enjoys a tidy room so we invest time in that.

oh and I had to iron from age 12 onwards. all my dads shirts for the coming week were top priority! I went to stay with my bf recently and was watching her ds aged 14 (my godson) mangle the ironing chore. I eventually jumped in and taught him how to iron a shirt properly. I think he was a bit freaked, until bf told me he had gone on an overseas trip with school, and a schoolmate liked being very precise and neat, but had never been taught to iron. Godson earned an nice little amount ironing his shirts during the stay!

I don't think that it is too much but wouldn't threaten not to make tea, though.

My dc often fight who empties the dishwasher, hangs out the laundry etc. as they get fifty pence for these jobs.

I always expect them to tidy their own room, put dirty laundry in basket etc. (no pocket money for that).

Many young children love to help. I think that it is great it teaches them useful skills (even if the job takes a bit longer as a result, sometimes there are breakages of course, that is the risk you take).

threatening not to feed them is just plain daft. its not a threat you would ever follow through with, so just take it off the table. If you are simply saying we all have jobs as a family, fair enough. But otherwise it is just nasty.

Far too much, he's only a kid.

it's just a few easy things and I wouldn't count getting dressed and tidying his own room as a chore in the first place, surely most 7-year olds do that?

Very mixed views from everyone. Tho calling me vile was a bit ott.
Can I also say, I don't mean threaten not to cook tea serious. I usually do it in an over dramatic voice and flop round on the sofa saying "oh I so can't be bothered either, let's just sit here and not bother with tea and not bother wearing clean clothes" etc.
I don't say it in my stern voice!
Though mornings probably do come across harsh.

I don't think it sounds like too much at all. We wouldn't need so many educational toys if children had a chance to develop through carrying out 'tasks' (which can be such good fun). But I don't think most people get that.

However you definitely shouldn't make it sound like your tasks as a mother are conditional upon your DS completing his tasks. I realise you were only saying it to make a good point - that everyone has to pull together - but this isn't an even playing field. You model a good attitude and honour your responsibilities regardless of what your DS is doing. He's the kid and you should be providing for him regardless of whether he 'deserves' his evening meal or not. If you're concerned about him being too compliant, I suggest you stop using this tactic because you're sending out a message that his security and your care are conditional upon his winning your approval.

If you are looking for ways to make sure kids honour their responsibilities, I can recommend a great book called 'How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk'.

zukiecat - That's appalling. What a dreadful childhood. I'm sorry you had to go through that :(

OP Just read to the end of the thread - sorry :)

if children had a chance to develop through carrying out 'tasks' (which can be such good fun). But I don't think most people get that.

Forcing a child to do something isn't going to make them think it is fun though is it!

DS is 3 and today he has been 'helping' me to strip wall paper because he wanted to and found it fun, he wants to help me put the new one up tomorrow. That is fun because he wants to be doing it. If I told him he had to help do it and expected him to do it then it becomes a chore and boring and there is plenty of time for that when children become adults!

Sorry zukie, I missed your post. That is awful. Much more going on than a few chores, how awful you had to go through that. Made me just go and give DS a big hug and tell him I love him.

Sound good to me. You won't be doing him any favors in the long term if you weight on him hand and foot

The only thing I'd say would be to make sure to leave some time for the cuddles and the play. Even if the bed is not made, or the room is still cluttered.
:)

But I still think what he does is not over the top.

I think this sounds fine. I hope my dd will do as much! My dd1 is 4, and will help out with things if I ask her, e.g. Putting plate in dishwasher, wiping table, cleaning up mess, hoovering, 'tidy' room, but rarely spontaneously, but I wouldn't expect her to. Won't dress herself, for love, money or chocolate buttons...

zukiecat I'm glad you have found peace.

Sirzy: I agree there's a balance and nobody wants to be forcing a child to do 'work'. Don't completely agree with your approach though. There are a wealth of options between (a) placing zero obligation upon a child (and letting them learn completely through play, as with the wallpaper) and (b) forcing a child to complete a task. If your child is under-motivated about a task that you believe will be of benefit to him, it's your job to make it engaging and accessible. Allowing a child to drift along doing whatever takes their fancy isn't kind or responsible. Not only will that child be failing to develop skills needed in life (and there isn't time enough for that later), they will also be missing out on so much fun (because so many things take a little work before they are fun). I would love it to be a perfect world where all learning was as appealing as scraping off wallpaper (aka camouflaged destruction) but it isn't. Interestingly, my DD is all of 19 months old and is already treasuring her little jobs because she finds them interesting and enjoys the response. I don't think giving her responsibility is diminishing her right to play and explore the world at all - instead, it gives her more tools with which to explore the world. What is play anyway really - usually the closest thing to 'work' a child can think of.