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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re DH and flowergirl dress

94 replies

vintageclock · 05/04/2013 12:05

My cousin asked a while ago if our DD (aged 6) would be a flower girl at her wedding and we said yes. She took DDs measurements and bought a dress when she was in New York recently. The other night she came over with the dress for DD to try on and, to put it mildly, it's a bit tacky. It's electric blue, shiny material with a load of lace edged flounces at the bottom. The shoes to go with it are silver Mary Jane's (okay) but they have a one inch heel which really doesn't look good on a 6 yr old.
DH exploded when my cousin had left and said there was no way our dd was going out looking like something from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. He wants us to make some kind of excuse and pull out of the whole thing.
However, my mum said she could never look my aunt in the face again if we did this, it would be so rude, it's only a dress etc etc.

So basically, I have my DH on one side and my Mum on the other and me caught in the middle.
Any ideas on what I should do?

OP posts:

pictish · 05/04/2013 12:55

Oh and btw, how do you think he's going to react when your dd soon develops her own taste in clothes?

Wouldn't like to be in her shoes...that's all I'm thinking.

LittleBairn · 05/04/2013 12:57

Unless its in appropriate then I would tell younDH to wind his neck in just because its not to his taste its OTT to pull out of the wedding.

ArbitraryUsername · 05/04/2013 12:57

It may be best if he stays at home if he's going to sulk at the wedding. That would not be fun (I say this as someone whose H would sulk too). Your mum is being stupidly over-dramatic about it all too. Poor you.

It's only a dress. Does it matter that it isn't to your/his taste? Presumably the whole wedding party will look similarly 'tacky'.

What's your H going to do when your DD is 15 and choosing her own clothes which he absolutely will not like? The fact that he has such an aversion to her looking 'embarrassing' when out and about practically guarantees that she's going to experiment with style he will loathe. And so she should. That's what being 15 is about.

I agree about the shoes. The diplomatic thing would be to say that they hurt your DD so you replaced them with flat silver Mary Janes or ballet pumps.

Mumsyblouse · 05/04/2013 12:58

If my husband came to my cousin's wedding with a face on, there would be hell to pay. As I say, I am probably a bit unassertive at time and do let some things slide, but not attending family occasions. We have a 'whip' system (as there's loads of them)- some he doens't attend, some he comes if he is happy/convenient, and then the three-line whip events where he not only comes, dresses nicely, smiles and is lovely but never ever gives a hint that he would rather be anywhere else than sitting having afternoon tea in a windy tent in a field in the middle of nowhere for someone's wedding.

this is a three-line whip attendance event, it matters to you and so for that reason alone, he should be going and going with a good grace.

is this really the only issue in your marriage? I think not if you are afraid to put your foot down over this one.

LittleBairn · 05/04/2013 13:00

Would your DH be reacting like this if it was his side of the family? Would he still be so precious or would he put up with it?

Mumsyblouse · 05/04/2013 13:01

But equally, I would say to your mum- thanks mum, I do think DH is being ridiculous but I have to sort this out in my own family. I know what you think please don't mention it again.

You don't have to account to your mum on this one, you do have to account to your cousin, your very excited dd (who I feel quite sorry for actually) and your own conscience which knows exactly what the right thing is to do but for some reason is a bit scared of her own husband.

thebody · 05/04/2013 13:02

Agree totally with Pictish.

titchy · 05/04/2013 13:03

If it were YOUR choice of whether she wore it what would you do?

Why are you so concerned about pleasing (or at least not offending) your mum or your dh? Do what YOU think is the right thing. You have a right to an opinion on your child you know.

FWIW I think your husband is an arse, prioritizing HIS feelings over possibly the ONLY chance your dd will ever have of playing a role in a family wedding. In other words HIS feelings are more important that those of your dd AND more important that your whole family.

seeker · 05/04/2013 13:04

And wtf about changing the shoes? A 1 inch heel for an event isn't going to do her any damage- and if she's anything like my dd was, they will be the best bit!

And don't let him pull faces or comment on her appearance- little girls are, for better or worse, very much influenced by what their fathers say to them about how they look.

pictish · 05/04/2013 13:05

It's all me me me from your dh's pov.
And just for some good measure...let's have a little more of ME.

ArbitraryUsername · 05/04/2013 13:07

Well the thing about the shoes is that they'd need to be worn in or they probably would hurt the OP's DD (I couldn't wear previously unworn shoes to a wedding). And I doubt the OP is keen for them to be worn several times. So it makes sense to choose ones that can be worn in a bit and that the OP is happy with.

pictish · 05/04/2013 13:07

If this was about love, he'd tell his dd she looks beautiful in her dress, no matter what. Like every loving daddy should.

Love has nothing to do with this.

noddyholder · 05/04/2013 13:08

Tell him to get over himself Life is short you will all look back and laugh!

seeker · 05/04/2013 13:10

Really? Mary Janes with a 1 inch heel?

She can wear them for the ceremony and he pictures. I bet she'll kick them off for the reception. Honestly- she will, I will put money on it, be distraught if she's not allowed to wear the shoes!

pictish · 05/04/2013 13:12

My dd has never worn shoes with a heel...not even a tiny heel. She'd love to wear a pair for a wedding...she'd be more chuffed than a chuffed thing in chuffedsville.
Who would I be to say no to such a rare treat?
Your dh apparently.
Miserable, selfish man.

wheredidiputit · 05/04/2013 13:14

I'd be telling to put and shut up.

Your DD will love being a flower girl (god I bet most of us have pictures of ourselves in horrible bridesmaid/flower girl dresses). Don't ruin your dd day. Tell if he can not behave like an adult then he can stay at home.

ExcuseTypos · 05/04/2013 13:16

He does sound a bit of a controlling arse tbh.

He wants his way or he will sulk. And he doesn't care that you're stuck in the middle between his unreasonable attitude and your cousin.

Ask him to support you rather than cause you problems.

YourHandInMyHand · 05/04/2013 13:20

He's a controlling arse, I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

He shouldn't be worried about showing her off or what people think of her clothes. He should simply be proud of his lovely DD all excited to be a bridesmaid and be focusing on the happy day. I'm very against grown up clothes on young girls, however this doesn't sound like it's provocative just a bit out of his personally approved tastes?

I'd take a bag on the day with a spare party dress and spare nice flats in case your DD wants to change, spills or gets uncomfortable. I'd leave your husband at home so you and everyone else enjoys the day.

pictish · 05/04/2013 13:20

She's always saying DH needs to stop being so fussy and get his priorities right.

I wonder why she says that? Because it's the truth? Because she can see him for what he is?

RevoltingPeasant · 05/04/2013 13:24

I actually don't think your mum is being overdramatic - and I say this as someone who doesn't really do weddings and who wore hiking boots to her own!

The time when your H got to have a say was when your cousin first asked. Then, he could've said 'No' or 'Yes, but only if she wears something hideously middle class from Monsoon tasteful'.

But he didn't. He said yes, and your cousin went out in good faith and got what sounds like a made-to-measure dress for your DD. Sorry, but unless it is offensive for religious reasons or overtly 'sexy' then he has no come-back. None at all.

Also, at 6, wearing an electric blue dress will be the most exciting moment of DD's summer, guaranteed. Tell him to stop putting himself before his own child and GROW UP. Really.

GilmoursPillow · 05/04/2013 13:43

Tell him if he's that adamant your DD isn't going then HE can be the one to tell her and deal with the fallout.

Startail · 05/04/2013 13:45

DD1(7) had higher heals than that for a wedding because she was a bit plump and her dress was therefore too long.

No harm for one day and she ditched latter when getting the dress grubby didn't matter.

It hasn't corrupted her for life, she's 15 and has never worn heels again.

ClaireDeTamble · 05/04/2013 13:48

I agree with your last post - tell him she is going and will be wearing the dress (albeit with flat shoes) and if he can't be there without having a face on him he is to stay at home.

Do not let him spoil your daughters excitement or your cousins big day.

And it sounds like your mom is right - he really needs to get over himself!

Startail · 05/04/2013 13:50

If she was a ordinary guest then yes your DH might have a point in wanting her to look an appropriate pretty sixyearold. I hate seeing DCs at weddings looking like they haven't tried.

Boys in beach shorts at DFs looked wrong.

But everyone knows the bridal parties outfits are make believe. My DH had shoes on and hair brushed (DH was a sandal wearing IT student).

Emilythornesbff · 05/04/2013 13:52

Can you post a link?

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