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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re DH and flowergirl dress

94 replies

vintageclock · 05/04/2013 12:05

My cousin asked a while ago if our DD (aged 6) would be a flower girl at her wedding and we said yes. She took DDs measurements and bought a dress when she was in New York recently. The other night she came over with the dress for DD to try on and, to put it mildly, it's a bit tacky. It's electric blue, shiny material with a load of lace edged flounces at the bottom. The shoes to go with it are silver Mary Jane's (okay) but they have a one inch heel which really doesn't look good on a 6 yr old.
DH exploded when my cousin had left and said there was no way our dd was going out looking like something from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. He wants us to make some kind of excuse and pull out of the whole thing.
However, my mum said she could never look my aunt in the face again if we did this, it would be so rude, it's only a dress etc etc.

So basically, I have my DH on one side and my Mum on the other and me caught in the middle.
Any ideas on what I should do?

OP posts:

soverylucky · 05/04/2013 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicmaiden · 05/04/2013 12:29

Your DH is being really silly. It might offend his aesthetic sensibilities but it is just a dress, for a few hours, on one day. It's not any different to wearing, say, princess/fairy fancy dress. The main thing is she is happy in it and I imagine she would probably be very upset if he made her pull out of being a flower girl over such nonsense.

I'd agree about getting some silver ballet flats though and saying the shoes didn't fit/weren't working for DD.

Mumsyblouse · 05/04/2013 12:30

And, your dd will love wearing heels! It will be so exciting for her.

In my husband's country, the godparents choose the christening dress (which is changed during the service). Of course they chose a pink lace frilly monstrosity, but it didn't spoil my day in the slightest I just looked at my dd's gorgeous little face sticking out of the top and had a great time.

I am quite easy-going in my relationship, but the one thing I brook no arguments over is visiting my family, I would not consider pulling out of a cousin's wedding because my husband had a hissy fit over a child's dress. How embarassing for you.

ImAlpharius · 05/04/2013 12:31

Is the heel tapered or just a block? At 6 a block heel of 1 inch isn't that much IMO.

Mumsyblouse · 05/04/2013 12:31

Mind you just to show him what an arse he was being I would say 'there's no way we are not going to the wedding, myself and dd will be going, if you are too embarassed to be seen with us and make my cousin's day special, feel free not to attend, we will be going anyway' and then leave him to ponder his options. And I really would go alone if he continued his stupidity.

Startail · 05/04/2013 12:32

Bridesmaids dresses are allowed to be OTT if that's what the bride wants and the bridesmaids are happy to play along.

I dread to think what your DH would have made of DD2(11) in full make up, hair set in an adult up job and the same high heels as the adult bridesmaid. Had she had curves she'd have looked about 16.

She had an absolute ball. Dressing up and being something your not for a day is fun, being a child is supposed to be fun.

Dear Mr OP your DD is just the right age to be a bridesmaid, she will remember swirling round in her blue dress and being a princess for a day (DD2 was too young the first time she did it and a bit shy). Let her have her day.

Very soon she'll be a teen in thick foundation, eyeliner and a 3inch mini and I can assure you there is nothing you can do.

DDs school friends may leave for school looking respectable, but by the time they get off the bus??!!

pictish · 05/04/2013 12:32

Oh fgs! Your dh is being a self important snob!!

It's not his wedding. If your cousin likes it and your dd is happy to wear it, then your dh needs to wind his neck in and butt out!

Is he often so controlling over things?

Startail · 05/04/2013 12:35

One of my DF's has started doing part time work at school, her younger DD is most put out as she can't roll her skirt up any more.

Original poster

vintageclock · 05/04/2013 12:36

I know my DH sounds very snobby but he can't help it. He just gets really uptight about some things. DD is our only child and he's very protective of her and very proud of her and loves showing her off. It really will upset him if she feels she looks ridiculous in front of a crowd of people. I've tried explaining to him that everyone will know that my cousin chose the dress and not us, but he's still not happy and doesn't want us to go.
My mum is really annoyed. She's always saying DH needs to stop being so fussy and get his priorities right. Now, it's like he's really giving her an opportunity to have a go about him. I'm fed up of the pair of them at the moment, tbh.

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/04/2013 12:38

Your DH is being unreasonable.

You and your mum are not.

Does DH really understand the can of worms he would be opening if he continues with this campaign?

Original poster

vintageclock · 05/04/2013 12:40

Sorry, I meant 'if he feels she looks ridiculous'. DD thinks the dress is beautiful and is really excited about the whole thing. There'll be murder if we tell her she can't be a flower girl.

OP posts:

pictish · 05/04/2013 12:41

Your dh most certainly CAN help it!

This is not about love or protection, it's about ownership and control.

It is not normal for anyone to behave this way over a sodding one-day-ever dress. I cannot even begin to imagine my dh creating such a huge fuss over something so trivial, and let me assure you he loves his children every ounce as much as your dh loves your dd. Your dh is not super loving, he's super controlling. Your cousin's choice of dress for her wedding is nothing to do with him!!

"He loves showing her off" - well she's not a bloody mannequin is she? She's not his living dolly!!

Mumsyblouse · 05/04/2013 12:41

Of course he can help it, he can focus on the other person instead of being concerned with showing your child off like a show pony. I thought you might have exaggerated his reaction initially, and perhaps he'd seen the funny side of it, but I can see you are serious, and I would be quite serious back about challenging how he sees your child, who is not there for display purposes.

Funy bridesmaids dresses are part of growing up. As others have said, what will happen when your dd starts growing up, choosing things he doesn't like? My 7 year old dresses quite hideously on occasion as she loves to pile on the fake fur, sparkles and so on just to go shopping, it's her clothes, her taste, I let her choose. Or is she going to conform and be the meek little daddy's girl who tries to please him endlessly and never dares to be herself?

He's very precious, no-one on this thread will agree with him I can tell already.

TigOldBitties · 05/04/2013 12:42

Dh shouldn't go then, if he can't stand it but everyone else is happy to, he can stay at home and you can all have a nice day in a dress that your DD likes.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 05/04/2013 12:44

What do you want to do?

Mumsyblouse · 05/04/2013 12:44

But- do as I suggest, inform him that if he is too embarassed to come to the wedding, you will go alone with your daughter. If he really feels that strongly, allow him an 'out' whilst making sure your cousin, your dd and everyone feels happy although your mum will still know he's a complete twat

Why do I imagine this is not the only thing he makes joyless and all about him?

Softlysoftly · 05/04/2013 12:44

"Show her off" she's not a doll

pictish · 05/04/2013 12:44

Frankly you should be telling him that if he feels the way he does, he will not be attending the wedding, while you and your daughter go without him.

What a ridiculous vain man!

seeker · 05/04/2013 12:46

He can help it, you know. Grown ups can help being arses.

And I would worry about hi caring so much about how your dd looks and what people think. It's storing up real problems for the future- he will be at loggerheads with his daughter as so as she starts choosing her own clothes.

KateDillington · 05/04/2013 12:46

Your husband sounds angry and controlling. Sorry.

Your daughter likes it - there's no issue here. Except your marriage. Good luck.

Original poster

vintageclock · 05/04/2013 12:47

I really don't know what I want to do. If I try and force the issue DH will have a face on him for the entire day and will look very rude. If we don't go we will also look very rude and my mum will have a face on her. I think maybe I'll suggest to DH that he stays at home and I can make up some excuse about him being ill. He still won't be happy about the dress but it's the best compromise I can think of.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 05/04/2013 12:49

Your DH is over reacting.

Ask him if he thinks it's better for his dd to be part of a loving extended family, or if he thinks it's better for her that her father stops her being part of something she will enjoy and remember for teh rest of her life.

The dress may be horrible, but it's something to look back on and laugh at for years to come. It's not going to do her any harm, but your DH banning her from being part of a family event she is looking forward to does have the potential to do harm.

I think be probably has a point about the shoes, so tell him that your compromise is on the shoes and get some new ones. Remember that he has no more right to ban your dd from doing this than you have to insist she goes.

seeker · 05/04/2013 12:52

And think very carefully about how this is going to develop in the future.

And don't lie for him- if he doesn't want to go to the wedding let him sort out his excuses.

Scholes34 · 05/04/2013 12:52

The general consensus is your DH needs to get a grip. I doubt that will happen that easily, though. You can't do anything about the dress, and your DD will be so disappointed if she's not able to be a flower girl. Even a 1" heel doesn't sound too bad - she's not far off the age when she'd wear them anyway if she were doing character dancing in ballet.

If he's not happy, the compromise has to be taking along a second outfit for your DD to wear later in the day. He has to accept he's being a big meanie if he doesn't allow your DD to be a flower girl, and it sounds like he's not a one to upset his daughter.

pictish · 05/04/2013 12:53

The very fact that he feel entitled to conduct himself like this over something so utterly not within his jurisdiction speaks volumes.

You are afraid to stand up to him. He is a man that is used to getting his way, and therefore fully expects to get his way. No opinion is more important than his, not even that of the bride.
Way to puff yourself up eh?

Your mother is right. Your dh is a massive pain in the arse.

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