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AIBU to make Ds continue with sport he wants to give up

69 replies

scattermummy · 05/04/2013 09:06

Ds has been doing a sport for 4 years and has enjoyed it until recently.
We moved to a club nearer to our house and he hates the new coach.
He is over sensitive and thinks the coach does not like him.
He got shouted at a few weeks ago for doing something silly and a bit dangerous and he was upset at being humiliated in front of everyone.
I told him that he should not have done it and should accept the telling off and move on.

He also has not being doing very well in recent competitions as has gone up an age category .We knew it would be hard for a while.
Anyway, he says that he will not go and he hates it .

Im really cross as we have spent a fortune so far on this .I really want my children to be resilient and not give in when things get tough.
Ive given him a really hard time and told him that if he gives it up i will not pay for any other hobby.

He really wants guitar lessons,But as he has shown he is a quitter I don't think their is any point.Ive tried bribing him to carry on but that now does not work.


OP posts:

scattermummy · 05/04/2013 09:07


OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 05/04/2013 09:09

I'd let him make the decision for himself. If he hates sport and wants guitar lessons, why not?

My parents made me do piano lessons rather than riding lessons.
Sadly, I'm still bitter.


NotTreadingGrapes · 05/04/2013 09:11

He has shown he is a quitter? What a negative thing to say.

Obviously it's up to you, but you can't make someone like something, or want to do it. You can force him, against his will, he's a child, but I wouldn't.


NotTreadingGrapes · 05/04/2013 09:12

Is it tennis? Are you Judy Murray?


Chocoflump · 05/04/2013 09:13

What age is he?


newbiefrugalgal · 05/04/2013 09:14

How old is he?

Can you come to some compromise
-do current hobbie for x amount of time, finish season perhaps?
Then start guitar lessons -do both for x amount and perhaps he will grow to live two things.
Playing a guitar could easily fit around another hobbie
Or perhaps he contribute to cost of this if older?


newbiefrugalgal · 05/04/2013 09:14

Haha not treading


mmmuffins · 05/04/2013 09:15

"He has shown he is a quitter."

But he stuck to this sport for 4 years, right? And now he has legitimate reasons for wanting to quit - he doesn't get on with the coach, and he maybe doesn't have the ability to keep competing at this level.

How would he show he wasn't a quitter in your mind? Do this sport until he is an adult?

I don't think you should think of the money you spent as a "waste." Your son had fun for 4 years! Once again, what would he have to do for the money to not have been a "waste?" Play until an adult? Go professional?

I think you are being hard on him.


thebody · 05/04/2013 09:16

Why is he a quitter? Perhaps he has gone as far in this sport that he can and he understands that and you don't.

When was he supposed to 'quit'? After winning Olympic gold?

It's life, its too short to pursue a hobby you have grown to dislike or are bored. He is probably outgrowing it and wants to do the guitar as its cool.

I totally get the fact you don't want him flitting to lots of hobbies snc costing you a fortune but this isn't the case here. 4 years is a long time for a kids hobby anyway.


Sugarice · 05/04/2013 09:18

My ds3 is a really good footballer and played for a pro club until he decided he'd had enough [a few weeks ago] of the training regime and long weekend travel..

We were initially disappointed that he felt like that but fully supportive of him seeing as it's him doing all the hard work and he's still only 13.

You are being unreasonable and harsh on him threatening not to help him find another hobby just because he isn't acting the way you want of him.


LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 05/04/2013 09:18

Hmm 4 years isn't a quitter, maybe he knows his limitations? How about trying a different club as a compromise and if in x time he's still not happy then I'd let him


Longdistance · 05/04/2013 09:18

My db was pressured to play football, he's now 40 and hates the sport.


teacherandguideleader · 05/04/2013 09:18

You're calling him a quitter because he doesn't like an activity? That's really harsh. He simply doesn't want to do something he doesn't like. I had many hobbies when I was younger, some I did for years before giving up and swapping for something else. I would never describe myself as a quitter, and instead someone who realises when they don't enjoy something and looks to change things. What would you rather he do? Spend the rest of his life doing a hobby that makes him miserable?


jamdonut · 05/04/2013 09:18

I don't think doing something for 4 years is being a quitter.

Doing things for a month and then deciding you don't like it is quitting, because that is not long enough to find out if you are good at something or not.

Why is it so important to you that he does this sport?

Perhaps he's never really liked doing it, and only "enjoyed" it to please you.

You don't say what age he is is, but perhaps he has simply grown out of it.

My daughter was a very good Badminton player. She played in primary school,won lots of competitions, we ferried her all over the place to trainings and county competitions. But once she started secondary school, she realised that it was not what she wanted to do forever. She wanted to concentrate on music, and could not do both. So she gave up badminton. Her choice...I was sad about it,at the time, but she is a very talented musician. But then she wants to be a music teacher.


hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 05/04/2013 09:19

What will you achieve by making him stick at it? He won't train to his full potential and he will grow to resent you and the sport.


marialuisa · 05/04/2013 09:21

Not sure how old your DS is but I think you are massively underestimating the impact of a coach he doesn't gel with. My DD has several expensive and time-consuming hobbies that require huge effort from her and commitment from us. Every now and again she comes across an instructor she doesn't "get" and experience tells us there's no point continuing with that person teaching her. Hobbies are not like school where you can cope with a subject teacher you don't like for 12 months. They are supposed to be enjoyable and there's no pleasure in feeling got at and the child will stop making progress.

Depending on your DS' age he may have reached a point where serious coaching is no longer appropriate. For example DD did a lot of athletics but was clearly never going to be a great athlete. With the move to secondary school she has left club athletics to those who live and breathe it but is still hoping to compete at school level.

I can't help but wonder if you participated in an activity to the extent your DS does as a child? My inkling is that you didn't as I think you'd be more sympathetic to him and looking for ways to work through the current situation rather than being so angry.


livinginwonderland · 05/04/2013 09:22

"He's shown he is a quitter" - really?! He's a kid. Four years is a long time for a kid to keep going to an activity without getting sick of it or bored or fed up. He has a legitimate reason to want to stop - he doesn't like the coach and it seems he's not capable or willing to train to a higher level. Forcing him to do so will make him miserable and will cause a lot of resentment.

Guitars and guitar lessons don't have to be expensive and I'm sure you could find someone willing to sell you a cheap guitar and to give your DS lessons if that's what he wants to do. He deserves to do a hobby he enjoys, not one you've decided he needs to do.


Snoopingforsoup · 05/04/2013 09:24

I'd say doing it for 4 years shows he's not a 'quitter'.
I think you need to gather some perspective. He's not enjoying it. Wouldn't you rather see him doing something he enjoys? I know life isn't all about gratuitous pleasure, but as said above, he's possibly been doing this just to please you?
If he has time out from this sport, you may find that he misses it and wants to go back. Maybe you can find him a better club with a coach he likes? There are ways around it before he stops for good but yes, YABU if you make him carry on. He's just going to hate you for it and feel unsupported if you just push and push to get what you want.


ithaka · 05/04/2013 09:24

He has done the sport for 4 years, so he has given it a good go. If he no longer wants to participate, what will be gained from forcing him? Maybe you should take up the sport yourself, if it is so important to you.

I remember my parents trying to force me to keep doing gymnastics. I think they succeeded in pushing me to do it for another 6 months or so, despite my pleas and resistance. I now think - why? What did that gain?

I would treat his interest in musical tuition as quite separate from the sport issue. I would certainly encourage any child of mine to take up a musical instrument - it can be an enjoyable hobby for life.


scattermummy · 05/04/2013 09:24

I know i'm being a bit pushy mum.
I just feel like you should not give something up because you don't like the coach.
His 14 .
He was so pleased when he won last year .It was good for his confidence.
I know the cost should'nt come into it,but his equipment has cost nearly £1000. We are not rich and have spent lots of money taking him to competitions so feel a bit gutted that he wants to stop.Dh says that it is not Ds fault that it costs so much .
Thanks for the advice,I Know you are right!

OP posts:

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 05/04/2013 09:25

Yes, YABU.

Why the hell should he continue with an activity he wants to stop? Why can't he have guitar lessons instead? God, life is too short to battle with your son over something so ridiculous. If you force him to carry on he will be doing something he no longer enjoys. Why would you do this? You will get the best out of him if he is engaged with something positive that he enjoys. Why not let him try something new?

Calling him a quitter makes it sound as though you are not very encouraging of his endeavours.

Poor boy.


ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 05/04/2013 09:27

Sell his equipment and buy him a guitar. I don't think being called a quitter will be much good for his confidence. Whereas having a mother who listens to him, and takes notice of what he wants will be a great boost.


AnOeufUniversallyEggnowledged · 05/04/2013 09:27

Any reason he cant go back to the old coach? Or a different club? (If he wants to)


livinginwonderland · 05/04/2013 09:27

The thing is, the impact of a coach you don't like can be huge. It knocks your confidence and really can make you feel worthless. Is there any way he can continue but with a different coach or something? Don't underestimate the influence of a coach/teacher on a student.

I took piano and for years I had a lovely teacher who was really encouraging and nice and I loved it. Then I moved schools and got a new teacher who was negative and miserable and I hated it and ended up quitting only a few months in.


Sugarice · 05/04/2013 09:32

OP, ds3 had decided last season that he'd had enough of playing football and sited the coach not liking him as a reason to finish.

We took the same approach as you and persuaded him that just because you don't like someone isn't a reason not to try and do your best.

He agreed and carried with a new coach in the next age group up on but with hindsight the disillusionment had already set in and the coach blaming was an easier way for him to illustrate why he didn't want to carry on. We should have listened to him then as we could have found him a local team to play for in the new season. Now he's not going to play until he can find a new team in August as the club won't release his registration until end of season.

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