Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make Ds continue with sport he wants to give up

69 replies

scattermummy · 05/04/2013 09:06

Ds has been doing a sport for 4 years and has enjoyed it until recently.
We moved to a club nearer to our house and he hates the new coach.
He is over sensitive and thinks the coach does not like him.
He got shouted at a few weeks ago for doing something silly and a bit dangerous and he was upset at being humiliated in front of everyone.
I told him that he should not have done it and should accept the telling off and move on.

He also has not being doing very well in recent competitions as has gone up an age category .We knew it would be hard for a while.
Anyway, he says that he will not go and he hates it .

Im really cross as we have spent a fortune so far on this .I really want my children to be resilient and not give in when things get tough.
Ive given him a really hard time and told him that if he gives it up i will not pay for any other hobby.

He really wants guitar lessons,But as he has shown he is a quitter I don't think their is any point.Ive tried bribing him to carry on but that now does not work.

WWYD

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 05/04/2013 09:32

Scatter,

Seriously?

What did you think your "investment" was going to buy you? Did you think he was going to win money and give you a financial return? Or was it glory? Most parents pay for their children to do sports/hobbies so that they gain experience (and resilience, agreed) and a rounded skill set. I think, from your post at least, you are trying to vicariously enjoy his triumphs. This is unhealthy.

Why can't you look for some kind of compromise? If he is spending a lot of time training, which it sounds like he has to if he is to do well, surely he needs a positive bond with the coach? Is the coach you mentioned the only one available? Why not ask your son if he would persevere if he changed coach? Additionally, as suggested upthread, you could ask him to continue for a set period of time and then if he still did not like it, he could give up and take up the guitar.

Do you know anyone who has been pushed by their parents into something who has continued with it as an adult? I don't. I do know of a talented pianist who detests the piano, a talented footballer who hates football etc. Pushing someone to do something when they really don't want to never gets the result that you want.

Floralnomad · 05/04/2013 09:33

YABU , at 14 he should be the one deciding what he spends his time doing.

larrygrylls · 05/04/2013 09:35

I don't agree with those who think he should immediately be allowed to give up, though. Whims don't have to be immediately supported. That is why some kind of compromise is good. Persevere a little, maybe change the coach, training, competition schedule. Then if you still don't like it, you can change.

SneakyNinja · 05/04/2013 09:38

Yabu, but luckily you seem to see that now. You don't seem to be taking your sons feelings into consideration at all regarding this. Firstly you trivialise his obvious problem with his Coach, then you call him a quitter and go off at him for wanting to do something else! This will not end well unless you change your tact OP.

naomilpeb · 05/04/2013 09:38

I think you're being harsh on him and unrealistic. I also think it's a bit unfair to describe him as a quitter.

My parents allowed me to start and stop activities when I was younger - between the ages of 8 and 14 I did ballet, competitive swimming, tennis, guides and horse-riding. I didn't 'stick' at any of them for that long (by which I mean maximum two years), as I discovered I didn't like them as much as I thought I would. When I was 13 I discovered music, and realised that this was the hobby for me. If I hadn't been allowed to try things out and decide not to do them, I might never have reached that conclusion. My mum told me recently that she got stick from relatives about letting me start and drop things, but she saw no point in making me do something I wasn't enjoying anymore. I really appreciate that she did that. And there were times when I did 'nothing' - other than read and play - and I think that's fine too.

So, I think allowing him to make a decision about whether to keep with this sport is actually very important for him.

That said, my adult self agrees with some suggestions that you should ask him to complete the season/term/whatever you've paid up for, as he might change his mind in that period and rediscover his love of the sport.

RedHelenB · 05/04/2013 09:39

I think some are being harsh on the OP _ I think the phrase quitter comes because the minute it gets hard (next age group so not winning & being justifiably told off by coach) he says he doesn't want to go any more. BUT you can't force him & at the end of the day hobbies are supposed to be enjoyable.

My dds dance for the love of it

lljkk · 05/04/2013 09:40

Move back to the old club.

KayHunt · 05/04/2013 09:40

If at 14 he has had enough, then he has had enough. He is growing up, wanting to do his own thing more and less to what you want.

YADBU if you force him to continue as you'll be wasting more money as he won't be happy doing it.

How long do you think you can hold the I spent £££ on equipment thing for? He's so young, but he wants a different life and it's not fair to hold him back.

MoreSnowPlease · 05/04/2013 09:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

RedHelenB · 05/04/2013 09:41

Sorry, my dds dance for the love of it but it is interesting to see which ones have continued & which haven't.

HollyBerryBush · 05/04/2013 09:41

At 14 he is old enough to decide if he wants to continue with this sport.

Give him the choice of packing it up OR finding a new coach, one he likes and respects and works well with.

he was upset at being humiliated in front of everyone.

The coach you have is crap if he think humiliating someone is the way to behave.

FWIW, my son was a promising footballer, but like he said when he was 12, "I don't get out of bed to be sworn at every Sunday morning", threw his kit back and never looked back. Their loss, team disbanded soon after. Plays cricket now. Very well I might add.

badguider · 05/04/2013 09:43

I wouldn't go to a yoga teacher or gym instructor I didn't like. Why should a child?
The coaching sessions are IMO about 80% of the sport experience and if that's not working then the performance won't either.

Can he not go back to his old club or look for another one? I'd encourage one more ''move" of coach/club for about a month before allowing him to give up completely if he still doesn't like it.

stressyBessy22 · 05/04/2013 09:47

If he enjoyed it previously, it is almost certainly a problem with the new club and new coach.
Is going back to the ol;d club a possibility? How does your DS feel about doing that.

Snoopingforsoup · 05/04/2013 09:48

I think you need to listen to his concerns about the coach OP.
Maybe find him a new coach or send him back to his old one. Let him have some time out to see how he feels.
I gave up a sport as a kid, it was my choice and I was under no pressure though I did have problems with one of the other girls there who was an utter bitch and stripped my training of all joy. I did regret it a few years later but by then it was too late to get re-involved. As your Son has told you the problem, listen to him and try to resolve it. Find a different coach and he may feel better about carrying on. You have to listen to what he's telling you and I'm not sure you're considering his feelings - you stand a better chance of him carrying on if you go in gently instead of turning it into a battle of wills. A nasty coach helps no one. The damage is done there.

Guitar is an awesome instrument and the instrument itself is relatively cheap btw. He will thank you when he's 21 for that one.

Remotecontrolduck · 05/04/2013 09:48

YABVVU. Great way to put him off sports altogether.

How the heck is he a quitter, he's been playing for FOUR years!! He's growing up and has different interests now. Let him do guitar instead.

2rebecca · 05/04/2013 09:53

I'd let him stop, yes it's frustrating when you've spent money on stuff and they stop it, but adults wouldn't continue with a hobby they've started to hate just because they'd bought the kit.
I presume you can sell some of it. It may be that he'll go back to it in a couple of years when he is older.
14-15 is a common age for kids to give up sports when school starts getting tougher and they have to put more effort into sport/ instruments etc to succeed. The ones that stay with hobbies are either really good at it or love it.
If he really likes the hobby then in the future he'll find a new couch and start again.
I have several hobbies now, the ones I had age 14 were completely different.

DontmindifIdo · 05/04/2013 09:57

I would offer to move him to a different coach, perhaps back to the old one.

Thing is, if he still doesn't want to do it then, then perhaps you have to think about why you are doing this - for his life improvement or for your own glory? Is it something he wants to do or something you think he should want to do?

Rather different but - I used to PA for a woman who'd been a violinist (is that the word?) - she was very talented, got a full scholorship to Juiliard from the UK at 16. Was often playing solos at the Barbican etc. She hated it - as she got older, (mid 20s) she got 'brave' enough to defy her parents, went back to get an MBA and is rather sucessful now in a 'completely unrelated to music' field. Whenever she had a big pitch or important meeting coming up, she would say she'd had nightmares she was about to go out on stage at the Barbican. Apparently she had terrible stage fright, but you know, her parents pushed her, and she was good at it, and she was talented and the music professionals loved her so she kept doing it.

She said her father always felt she's "wasted" her talent (dispite her own chosen career ending up with her owning a big house in Chelsea, bringing in a good 6 figure salery and really enjoying her life) - it was him that wanted her to play the violin and he was right, she was good at it. But she never, ever enjoyed it.

I worked for her before having DS, it was a very important lesson, it's one thing encouraging your DC's talents, but just because you are talented at something doesn't mean you have to dedicate your life towards it.

At 14, your DS is old enough to know what he wants to do. Offer him another coach if it's that important to you, but don't be that mum.

Mehrida · 05/04/2013 09:57

If it's the coaching that's put him off, can you have a wee word with the coach? Explain the situation? As a coach myself, I find kids often listen to me more than their parents so a bit of encouragement from him may go a long way.

Notquite · 05/04/2013 09:59

If he's previously got a lot of pleasure from his sport it's reasonable to see if you can help him over the hump - if he stops immediately, in a few months he might wish he'd persevered in the new age group and given the coach a chance, or returned to the old club. If he's really had enough of the sport though, you have to let him make the decision. If he's kept fit, had fun, learned skills and made friends over the past few years, the time and money won't have been wasted.

We don't get to control the outcome of the support we give to our children's hobbies. My DD competes in her sport at quite a high level and I've been asked whether she plans to make a career of it - the answer is that I don't know, I suspect not, but whatever happens in the future, she's having a blast at the moment and she will always l

Notquite · 05/04/2013 10:02

If he's previously got a lot of pleasure from his sport it's reasonable to see if you can help him over the hump - if he stops immediately, in a few months he might wish he'd persevered in the new age group and given the coach a chance, or returned to the old club. If he's really had enough of the sport though, you have to let him make the decision. If he's kept fit, had fun, learned skills and made friends over the past few years, the time and money won't have been wasted.

We don't get to control the outcome of the support we give to our children's hobbies. My DD competes in her sport at quite a high level and I've been asked whether she plans to make a career of it - the answer is that I don't know, I suspect not, even if she's good enough, but whatever happens in the future, she's having a blast at the moment and she will always look back on it as a major part of her teenage years.

Notquite · 05/04/2013 10:02

Sorry, first one got away from me!

BellaVita · 05/04/2013 10:05

He is 14... FGS let him decide!

specialsubject · 05/04/2013 10:06

YABU and competitive parent from hell.

he has had enough and wants to do something different. It is allowed. Carry on like this and you will put him off sport for life - and he won't forget the pressure and nagging either. What you've spent is irrelevant.

if you are so big on winning, you do it.

LIZS · 05/04/2013 10:13

To excel and remain competitive takes a great deal of commitment on the part of child and coach . In the "real world" yes he would have to cope with harsh criticism but he is only 14. If the relationship isn't working you either offer to move again or allow him to stop. Are you sure he was really enjoying it before the move and you didn't overlook signs that things weren't so good ?

Bramshott · 05/04/2013 10:15

I think you're right to talk to him a bit and see if you can negotiate a compromise. For every adult who resents their parents making them continue with something, there are undoubtedly others who wish their parents had encouraged them to persevere a bit.

I'd be tempted to see if he'll agree to carry on until the end of term before making a final decision about whether he wants to quit completely, or switch back to the old club (assuming that's possible).

FWIW DD1 (10) has taken up a new activity this year and isn't that keen now, but we've agreed she'll do it until the summer and then we'll make a decision.

Swipe left for the next trending thread