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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want by 7wk olds dad to take him out without me?

98 replies

JellyBelly1975 · 04/04/2013 19:58

We aren't together and he wants to spend time with him but without me.

I'm bf'ding on demand and lo feeds roughly every hour.

He's said he wants me to feed lo and he will come back in an hour. But I'm not comfortable with it. I need some other opinions on this please. Would anyone be ok with letting their 7 week old leave the building they are in?

I've offered to meet at my parents house and go upstairs in case lo wants feeding, he says this will not be relaxed for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

JellyBelly1975 · 04/04/2013 21:32

He has used this control throughout the pregnancy. Only having contact when it suited him. I have given him chance after chance to be involved, put aside his disrespectful treatment of me. Unless I agree to what he wants I always get his anger, name calling or get ignored.
I want the best for my son and in an ideal world that would be all of us together. I have tried to include him since we got pregnant and throughout.

Until he went silent after the naming, I was sending pictures everyday, messages with updates as I wanted him to show interest. He only asks for info or pictures when he's not angry with me.

OP posts:

abbyfromoz · 04/04/2013 21:36

Salmotrutta- but cynical. who says i didn't allow him to spend time with her from day one? he held her for 3 hours when she was born. before i even had a look in. i wouldn't have been able to cope if he took her out without me from day one. Thats normal. It's not as though i restricted his access at all! It's just that after getting home i would hear about his day 'blahblahblah' and he would hear about mine 'babybabybaby' and he would show no interest. Allowing him to take her for a day with expressed milk (even though she was ebf) was what they both needed. Hard for any mother!

smokinaces · 04/04/2013 21:47

Jelly, what you are doing sounds spot on. Keep sending the pictures. Keep trying. Your child will thank you when you're older for carrying on trying. Maybe a set time and day each week could work for both of you. He knows when, you know when.

I won't say it gets easier. Overnights and holidays are so so hard. But all we can hold onto is the kids appreciation when they're older.

Leave it with him. You've said yes to an hour, near you. See what he does. If notging, suggest an hour next weekend when you're home, maybe dropping baby to him and then going back an hour later. If still no ball, keep with the messages maybe every few days.

Good luck.

craftycottontail · 04/04/2013 21:56

I'd be glad he wants to spend time with his child! Don't knock him for it, encourage it
(unless there are other issues of course)

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2013 22:13

I'm not cynical at all abby.

I'm just suggesting that what you did at 12 weeks could also have been done earlier!

Oh well.

abbyfromoz · 04/04/2013 22:15

What you said does sound a bit cynical. Sending a new born baby who is ebf out for a whole day with DH and without me? Did you do that?

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2013 22:22

No.

And I didn't mean a whole day.

An hour or two would have had the same effect.

I'm not looking for a fight by the way. I was pondering. That's all.

abbyfromoz · 04/04/2013 22:26

Ok that's fine... But you assumed i hadn't let him take her for an hour or two? I was talking about a whole day.
Just read the post carefully before responding as it can come across a bit cynical.

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2013 22:28

I'll try to do better in future.

attheendoftheday · 04/04/2013 22:34

My dd is 7 weeks and I wouldn't want dp to take her off for an hour in case she wanted to feed. A baby who generally feeds every hour may want to cluster feed that day. And if she's upset then my physical presence is more comforting to her than dp's. That's no criticism of dp, who is a brilliant and involved dad, but she is more familiar with my heartbeat and smell from pregnancy and co-sleeping.

YANBU. 7 weeks is too little to be away from the main caregiver imo.

jellybeans · 04/04/2013 22:37

YANBU. Why can't he just come round. People tend to downplay bond between tiny baby and mother these days though.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 04/04/2013 22:37

I was back at work full time when (exclusively breastfed) dd2 was 10 weeks old. If I hadn't 'let' dp be alone with her before then, I'd have found it impossible.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 04/04/2013 22:38

Some of the comments on here make it sound a bit like feminism never happened.

Ouchmyhead · 04/04/2013 22:41

Thing is, he is his dad, and you're going to have to trust him at some point with him on his own. I know you're saying how controlling he is, but he hasn't been violent or done anything that would make you question the safety of your baby. You should let him take him out, just explain that you only want him out for 30-45 minutes, even if its just for a walk around the block. This will give him time to bond; and I can understand why he wants to do this outside yours or your parents home. When he comes back within the time you'll have more faith in him, if he doesn't you will have just cause to stop him going out next time. Until you take that first step though, I really can't see any real reason for you stopping him.

candyandyoga · 04/04/2013 22:42

He is so bloody selfish! Yanbu.

Dadthelion · 04/04/2013 22:48

I think you have to find some way to communicate, you're potentially going to be dealing with your ex for a long time.

Only 17 years and 45 weeks until your ex is out of your hair.

Twattybollocks · 04/04/2013 22:56

Honestly I don't see how he is going to get any bonding time in an hour. If you have an ok relationship why dont you get him to come round in the baby's awake time and you go upstairs for a nap and let him entertain the baby? That way you are close by if he needs a feed and dad gets some nice bonding time with him. Failing that meet him at the park, feed baby in the car, put him in the pram and let him go for a walk round the park. Baby will probably sleep the whole time but if he's wrapped up warm it won't do him any harm and you will probably find if he's snug and warm and being pushed around he will go longer than an hour for a feed.

atrcts · 04/04/2013 23:00

If my relationship had broken down to the extent that I had no trust for the Dad at all, then of course every mothering instinct would be to protect a tiny baby - as well as yourself - from someone you don't trust.

You have to have a reasonable amount of trust in a person to allow them sole care of your child for ANY length of time. Who would leave a newborn with a nursery if they didn't consider it trustworthy?

When I say trust, I don't mean in the sense of fidelity because you're not together that way. Nor do I mean in the sense of abuse because that's not even negotiable. But I do mean trust in the sense that you know a person is well cared for with the best of motives, in the hands of the trustee. It seems like you don't have that confidence and so I don't blame you for your reservation.

The danger would be if a person used withholding access to a baby as a tool for getting back at a difficult partner. Can I make it clear I am not saying this is what you're doing! I just feel the need to put it out there that I am recognising it's a balanced picture of being fair to someone you don't like and obeying your natural instincts to protect your young.

Babies often have a growth spurt and demand many more feeds at around the 8 week mark too, so the feeds can suddenly increase without much warning. If he's that desperate to see his child then he'd agree to go anywhere to do it. Especially at such an early age. And especially because at this age you are the sole caregiver as a breastfeeding mother!

Original poster

JellyBelly1975 · 04/04/2013 23:30

Thank you for your replies. i will read through again tomorrow and try to make my decision.

I'm a people pleaser and so i always try to do what is asked of me but now its not just me i have to think about and i want to try to make sure i do what is best for my lo.

I certainly don't want to stop him bonding with his dad. I don't trust his motives but that won't stop me trying to do the best for my boy which is to have a relationship with his dad. I just have to hope that he puts his son before his selfish ways and doesn't teach him to behave in some of the ways he does, especially in being disrespectful to me.

At - yes, over the last 2 days he's wanted short frequent feeds quite often.

Dad - absolutely! I want us to be able to communicated. That is our difficultly and I'm desperate to get it sorted. We need outside help as we just can't overcome it. He won't agree to it though. We seem to completely misunderstand each other. He reacts with anger and spite which is the total opposite to me who wants calm and hates shouting and name calling.

It's such a horrible sad situation.

OP posts:

formicaqueen · 04/04/2013 23:35

I think you have to know that you can trust him to care for the baby properly first, before he takes child off. Maybe you have to build slowly up to this. I think a new born should really be close to his mum.

Lilipaddle · 04/04/2013 23:49

If you don't feel ready yet, sit down with him and explain that you really aren't feeling up to it. Explain about the hormones and bond and the natural anxiety when mums and babies are separated early on. And make sure he knows it won't last forever and you may soon be begging him to take DS so you can have a rest, but for now it is best he is near you and near his food.

Would you feel able to go to a cafe with him and the baby, and to sit elsewhere in the cafe? That way he is "alone" with him, but you can still see baby is ok and won't be feeling anxious.

Some mums don't seem to get as panicky about being separated, but everyone is different, so take no notice of "he is old enough" etc. Go with how you feel, and how DS is. If DS would be distressed away from you, and your ex isn't able to calm him alone, then it's not practical, and equally until around 4 months go with your instincts. You don't want to be placing extra stress and risking PND. He is not a toy to be passed around, his dad will bond much better by sitting cuddling and playing with him, not walking around with him wrapped up under blankets in a pram. IMO that's more for the dads benefit than the babies at this age.

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2013 23:51

If he's that desperate to see his child then he'd agree to go anywhere to do it

I agree with that statement completely.

Lilipaddle · 05/04/2013 00:17

I've sent you a private message, should be in your inbox

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