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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want by 7wk olds dad to take him out without me?

98 replies

JellyBelly1975 · 04/04/2013 19:58

We aren't together and he wants to spend time with him but without me.

I'm bf'ding on demand and lo feeds roughly every hour.

He's said he wants me to feed lo and he will come back in an hour. But I'm not comfortable with it. I need some other opinions on this please. Would anyone be ok with letting their 7 week old leave the building they are in?

I've offered to meet at my parents house and go upstairs in case lo wants feeding, he says this will not be relaxed for him.

OP posts:

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 04/04/2013 20:28

I seem to be missing something here. Yabvvvvu UNLESS there is something you're not telling us about why you don't trust him. Meeting at your parents' house would make it v much about him seeing the child not just on your terms but with the added potential discomfort of your parents hovering around too and I really understand why he wouldn't feel okay about that.

smokinaces · 04/04/2013 20:29

Yabu. An hour alone is fine. Even when ebf. Take a shower. Read a magazine. Phone a friend. Pop to the shop. An hour will fly. And its important to your child and his father. At seven weeks an hour is completely reasonable.

abbyfromoz · 04/04/2013 20:29

7 weeks no- but DH took DD out at 12 weeks- with a huge supply of expressed milk and a million other supplies. it was painful and nerve wracking but had to be done. He wasn't bonding with her and as soon as he was left to his own devices they became inseparable (the result i wanted). I love their relationship and happy i bit the bullet. 7 weeks is still very new.

TheCraicDealer · 04/04/2013 20:29

Why can't you leave the baby with him for an hour, at his place? To be honest, I can see why he's reticent to sit downstairs in your parents house while you (more than likely) are pressing your ear to the floor upstairs, ready to jump down there at the first sign of discomfort. You've had seven weeks with the baby all to yourself, getting to know them having cuddles and just being "lost" in your child. It's sad that you're denying him that, even for an hour.

That is of course unless there's some underlying reason why you're reluctant to have him on his own with the wee one.

Oblomov · 04/04/2013 20:34

Painful and nerve wracking ? God save us. Its the dads I feel sorry for.

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2013 20:34

But abby maybe if you'd encouraged your DH to do that even from day one he would have bonded even faster!

My DH liked nothing better than wheeling our two about to show them off.

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2013 20:35

From day one I might add.

MumOfTheMoos · 04/04/2013 20:36

I think it's really important for fathers to spend to alone with their DCs straight away. I think mine wasn't ven 2 weeks when I left DS with him for an hour.

I thnk you're being unreasonable.

Theicingontop · 04/04/2013 20:42

It's not as simple as that for some women. I remember very clearly the extreme anxiety I had with my son when he was a newborn (actually up to around three months old). I couldn't bear to be away from him, not even in a different room. When he had to be admitted to hospital at two weeks old I was in hysterics when the nurse told me it would be 'impractical' for me to come with him for tests.

I had postnatal depression, for the record. But that's not to say that some sort of anxiety surrounding separation isn't normal or instinctual. OP is a new mother with new mother hormones, I don't think people should be so quick to judge her as possessive and unreasonable.

FreudiansSlipper · 04/04/2013 20:44

he needs to get over feeling uncomfortable it will only get worse if you do not deal with it now

My ex and I hated being in each others company but if we both wanted the best for ds we had to put our feelings aside. It won't be long until he can take him out alone but he needs to build up trust and you have to allow him to

SneezingwakestheJesus · 04/04/2013 20:44

I think yanbu. When dd was that age I really struggled being apart from her and I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from her not knowing where she was for even an hour. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. If he's not spent time alone with your dc before, I don't think its much to ask to ask him to spend the first time at your parents so you can get comfortable with it too.

Original poster

JellyBelly1975 · 04/04/2013 20:48

ok, that's a lot of opinions. I will try to answer some of the questions.

He has had no contact with me at all for over 10 days as he was not happy that I added my surname as well as his when registering the birth.

He is extremely controlling and I believe that he is wanting to see him more out of control than desire to see his son. If he really cared for his son would he let his anger about the name stop him asking about his welfare and or asking to see him sooner?

He sent a text today asking to see him, I replied of course and expalined I was at my parents (60 miles from where he lives) and that he was welcome to come. He replied he wanted to spend time alone with him so I said that I would leave them together, even leaving the house if he wanted so that they could be alone. If he were to take him out it would mean having to drive in to town and going to a cafe or similar, I thought I was being reasonable to suggest they stay here as it would mean that they actually got more time together.

Each time he does not get his own way he stops contact, usually for around 2 weeks.

I have no problem with my son going outside, he's been out since we got out of hospital!

I've never stopped him seeing his son and am not over protective and am fine with other people I trust holding/caring for him etc.

I do worry about his motives as he has shown that his moods with me are more important than contact and concern for his son.

OP posts:

somewherewest · 04/04/2013 20:48

I loved it when DH took DS off for an hour to two at that age and younger (DS was also breastfed but fed every three hours during the day from very early on, so that aspect was easier). I can see how an ex is more complicated, but unless there are other issues you are being a bit U.

badguider · 04/04/2013 20:50

I know nothing as am only pregnant with my first but will want dh to take our LO out for an hour for a walk or to starbucks or him to stay in and me go out for a walk or to starbucks from before 7 weeks, even if it's hard for me and feels weird I think it's important that fathers get the chance to be the 'sole carer' for the baby from an early age to build the confidence of everybody involved (father, baby and mother).

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/04/2013 20:52

Whats the difference between you leaving them in the house together and going out, and him taking the baby out? Either way you aren't there.

badguider · 04/04/2013 20:53

When you said you'd leave your parent's house, would your parents go out too? I imagine having the In-laws around would be intimidating for any new parent nevermind in a separation situation.

Salmotrutta · 04/04/2013 20:55

OK, so you don't trust him then.

In that case you go with your own knowledge and instincts.

smokinaces · 04/04/2013 20:55

Op, I will say now that you have eighteen years of this. So try and bed some stuff down now. It doesn't have to be fixed for good, but maybe try something routine. An hour every Sunday for instance. Something for dad to have, something small for you to start with. Yes, it sounds like the visit is all for dad, but to be fair at that age they are. Yes, he should phone you and grow up, but did you ring him at any point to share anything about your ds? I know they don't do much at that age but still, two way communication. Have you maintenance in place? Can you discuss things with him - suggest he comes up for a couple of hours to your parents, you can talk then he can have some time alone with your dc. The car thing is scary, but if you have a carseat there's nothing to stop them going to a cafe in his car. You could hitch a lift and do some shopping.

Hard as it is, don't dig in your heels and bump heads now. Eighteen years is a long time. It takes a lot of work and swallowing of words tbh. I'm four years on with a five and six year old. It's hard still. But it can be civil.

FreudiansSlipper · 04/04/2013 20:56

ah you do need to be careful he can not dictate to you when it suits him go through a solicitor a man like him will manipulate you and emotionally bully you no need to try and reason with him it's a waste of your time

all those going on about their dp/dh's are in a very different situation you are with partners you trust and know they capable when you only hope they are it is very different

PavlovtheEasterBunny · 04/04/2013 20:57

under the circumstances you have just described, you are perfectly within your rights, and not being unreasonable to ask him to come to your home and spend some time with you present. If he is controlling in his manner and you feel this is a controlling tool, then you must assert your control as baby's mother from the outset. If he has spent lots of time with his son, then the natural step is to go out alone, but if he has been out of contact for 10 days, which is a large chunk of a 7wk old baby's life, then he will just have to accept seeing his son under your terms for a while.

One step at a time. He needs to demonstrate that he will not use your son against you when he is cross with you about something, for example, not bringing him back at the agreed time.

There is nothing he will do with his son on his own for 1 hour that he can't do with you present. And, you don't even need to be in another room at this stage if you prefer not to be.

Willowisp · 04/04/2013 21:01

Jellybelly he sounds like an idiot & looking back at my previous idiot boyfriends, I wouldn't let your baby out of your sight.

Perhaps the other posters have lovely memories of their ex-boyfriends ? If your gut feeling is no, then YADNBU.

If you're not together, why's his name on the birth certificate ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/04/2013 21:02

OP - I can see why you have concerns. You and your DS's father are not a couple, therefore you are not necessarily on the same team - although you should be.

But other people here saying that they didn't 'allow' (?) their DH/DP to take their babies out, what on earth is that all about? How can you then complain when father's don't bond and aren't hands on?

IdaClair · 04/04/2013 21:05

The only time I baulked at the idea of DH taking the baby was after she'd just been born, we'd had skin to skin for a few hours and I wanted to go have a bath. He said he'd take her downstairs for a bit while I got sorted. I went a bit wobbly about her going downstairs without me (she'd never been downstairs before! shock!) but copped on to myself a bit quickly, but she was only 2-3 hours old.

By 7 weeks, and EBF, she was with my PIL for a few hours and we were in a different town a 30 minute drive away.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/04/2013 21:07

father's?

fathers, obviously.

livinginwonderland · 04/04/2013 21:32

YABVU. it's okay for you to be alone with him, but not for his dad to be alone? incredibly unfair. dad needs bonding time with his child without you hovering.

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