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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad my husband wants porn and not me?

37 replies

higherground · 02/04/2013 21:42

I've name changed for this one. I'm posting on here as I couldn't face talking to friends about this.

I have just found my husband's laptop open on a porn site. He has an account with credit card payment details and the history says he's been looking at this stuff for the entire time we have been together. Even the honeymoon period.

He has little or no sex drive with me and it's something we've had big talks and tears over in the past.

I don't know what to think. Is he just not attracted to me? Is he having an affair? He has a bank account I don't have access to and travels frequently for work.

Or is this just something he uses to masturbate with? If he has the urge why don't we have more of a sex life? I know I should be asking him all this and I will but for tonight he is asleep (sleepless night with one of the children last night) and I just feel so sad.

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 02/04/2013 21:53

You do need to talk about it, there could be many reasons he likes and enjoys porn.

ecclesvet · 02/04/2013 21:55

Has his sex drive always been so low through the whole relationship? Has he given reasons for it in your talks?

No-one here can tell you why he has a low sex drive, although some people will be very certain that it is entirely to do with the porn. As you already know, the answers you want will come from him or maybe his GP.

thebody · 02/04/2013 21:56

So very sorry op but I don't think porn is the main issue here.

You need to talk xxx

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 21:58

It's not really that I mind that he watches it from time to time. More that he has kept it a secret from me and that we have an almost non existent sex life.

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Maggie111 · 02/04/2013 22:06

You need to see a counsellor. I don't see any harm in men watching porn - it is not right that he has a low sex drive with you and this will continue to cause self esteem issues.

You need to talk it out and be open about it. If I were you I would contact Relate.

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:07

His sex drive hasn't always been this bad. It was good for the first couple of years but disappeared almost completely after our second child.

He hasn't given me many answers as to why - feeling tired, laziness, and just not feeling like it because we hadn't for so long.

Discovering tonight that he's been using porn, I can see he has been feeling like sex, but not with me obviously. Feel a bit rejected.

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Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:09

What do you think is the main issue thebody

OP posts:
thebody · 02/04/2013 22:22

Oh I don't know op of course as its your marriage but I think the loss of sex drive and your obvious unhappiness with this should prompt him to get some help.

Perhaps he thinks porn will help him with this?

I hope you can talk about this to him.

ecclesvet · 02/04/2013 22:25

Wanting to masturbate to porn is not the same urge as wanting to have sex with your spouse. Similar, overlapping, sure. But not the same.

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:31

He doesn't really open up or if he does it takes a whole day of screaming at each other and lots of tears before he will get to the point where he might open up a little.

Just coming to the realisation we have a really crap relationship. Funny, everyone around us thinks we're so happy and I think I've been fooling myself for a long time too.

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ArtVandelay · 02/04/2013 22:39

YANBU I'm not surprised this makes you feel rejected and upset.

Also, id be very interested to find out what he is looking at because with so much free content available on the internet, why in the heck is he paying for it? If its 'special' porn and therefore niche or particularly obscene I would be wanting to have a serious chat or even be just packing his bags.

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:45

Mainly anal sex. Something we've never done and he has never asked. I don't want to either, not my thing.

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ParadiseChick · 02/04/2013 22:46

For starters I'd be concerned about him actually paying, there's tons of free stuff out there.

Do you have money at your disposal? What's he getting up to when he's away?

ParadiseChick · 02/04/2013 22:47

Plenty free anal porn. What was the name of the site?

Hadagutsful · 02/04/2013 22:50

Yy to what ecclesvet said. I found out that my DH uses porn occasionally. We talked (not easy) but I learned a lot about the male psyche (who knew? Wink) and about my DH - after 13 years together I thought I knew it all but I was wrong.

This could even help your sex life, if you can find a way to talk about it.

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:50

Well if write that here and he sees this ... I'd rather not.

The fact he's paying for the website doesn't bother me. More upset he's kept this from me, and our sex life is so dire.

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Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:52

hadagutsful was / is your sex life good?

I don't think I would really mind if ours was good.

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ParadiseChick · 02/04/2013 22:52

But there's really no need to be paying is what I'm saying. Makes me wonder why.

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 22:55

I don't really know why he's paying for the site. The strap line for the site is that it's the "highest quality on the web". Maybe he didn't want to trawl through loads of stuff to find what he wanted, who knows.

Wondering where/how he's been watching however as he has only had the laptop for a few months.

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ParadiseChick · 02/04/2013 22:57

So it sounds more like a serious habit rather than watching the occasional clip.

He could be watching on his phone or tablet?

Hadagutsful · 02/04/2013 23:00

Our sex life was average, I guess, higherground. We have young DC so energy/opportunity was the problem.

After I made the discovery I felt very hurt, like you, but I determined not to brush it under the carpet so although it was an uncomfortable conversation (for him!) we went through the why/when/what questions. We're now both more comfortable with talking about what we want which has made vast improvements.

I know he still uses it but now I don't mind. I would mind if I felt our sex life was suffering as a result.

Hadagutsful · 02/04/2013 23:01

He might feel safer paying for it as often the free stuff is riddled with viruses (of the computer kind!), isn't it?

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 23:04

We have young DC too and similarly opportunity and energy levels aren't really there.

Problem is with us it's maybe twice a year since having our second child. If that. Dire ... and he never tries or seems interested.

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Hadagutsful · 02/04/2013 23:17

I would second giving Relate a try. I would tell him calmly that you know about the site and that you'd like to talk about it. Try not to fixate on feeling abandoned or "not good enough". My DH explained that it's a different thing, more of a biomechanical thing iyswim!

Original poster
higherground · 02/04/2013 23:24

I have often thought about counselling but wondered how we would find the time to commit to a weekly appointment when we can't seem to find time for the most basic things like having the car MOT'd.

Thanks for suggesting Relate. I see on the website they do telephone sessions - we could do that!

Thanks for helping.

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