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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go on sex strike til he helps put baby to bed

84 replies

princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:23

Baby is 7 months and breastfed and co-sleeping. I used to settle her in my bed then join her later but the past couple of months this hasn't been working and she's woken within 10-30 mins (usually ten) of me leaving her despite having laid there with her for over an hour first. The evening goes now that she sleeps on my lap downstairs from 8-10ish, I take her to bed and feed/ lay with her then try and get away to go see DH for some 'action.' I use the internet on my phone to stay awake (like now) despite being very tired and try for up to 2 hours to go and see DH, usually disturbing poor DD several times and failing to get away anyway. Or if I do, DH is so conscious of the potential for DD to wake that it's over in 5 mins and does absolutely nothing for me. He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo

OP posts:
Original poster
princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:25

Posted too soon, sorry!
Responsiblity to facilitate our sex life and sort baby while he sleeps. I'm fed up of baby having disturbed sleep and me being

OP posts:
MsBella · 02/04/2013 00:27

Yanbu yanbu yanbu!!!!

kotinka · 02/04/2013 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:29

Argh, and again - bloody phone!
Tired while he does nothing to help the situation. AIBU to say I'm going to bed with DD and staying there until he decides to help? I've tried settling her other ways but she just expects boobs from me, though settles easily for him during the day

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 02/04/2013 00:29

YANBU. He needs to help out so that you can sleep. You will probably feel sexier and more loving/closer if you are less tired because of his help - so everyone can win.

RaisingGirls · 02/04/2013 00:29

Really Sad for you, OP. Have you tried talking to him about it? Could you show him what you just wrote on this thread?

aldiwhore · 02/04/2013 00:30

I was going to say YANBU, but YAB sooooooo U!!

First sex isn't your 'job' so striking should never come up in the equation really.

Secondly, is your DH demanding you leave your sleeping baby for sex or are you coming downstairs to please him because you know he's horny? It does matter which it is, it REALLY matters.

However, something has got to give, and right now that probably is the quicky sessions you're having, it's all very for your DH to have an opinion on what to do but it doesn't sound like he's up for finding a solution and making it work, probably because you're allowing him to empty his sack - he doesn't know what horny is, he's just a bit full and needs to empty and well, why use a hand if there's a better alternative.

I AM being harsh. You have a baby that's not settling 'brilliantly', your DH isn't offering any practical help, you're not going to go on sex strike princess you're going to accept that you simply haven't got time and he'll have to go horny unless he's going to be part of the solution, he is becoming a problem.

EggyFucker · 02/04/2013 00:31

I think you should be concentrating on what your actual baby needs

and ignoring what the man-baby wants

unless you are equally desperate for the shit sex too ?

in which case, carry on as you are

Original poster
princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:31

I want to have sex, its just I want his help with baby to get there. He knows I'm knackered but just keeps pitying himself for the lack of sex

OP posts:
kotinka · 02/04/2013 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaisingGirls · 02/04/2013 00:32

Is this every night?

Do you get sleep on the nights you just stay with DD?

Just picking up from your posts that your DH might be expecting sex every night, which us unreasonable of him, but a "strike" will probably be less effective than talking to him about how all this is making you feel.

aldiwhore · 02/04/2013 00:33

And no princess YWNBU to just go to bed, stay in bed, have a decent sleep... he will eventually follow at some point after a while, find he has no room, and perhaps be open to some kind of negotiation.

WafflyVersatile · 02/04/2013 00:33

tell him how it is and explain that if he wants sex you need to find a solution between the two of you that enables you to be less tired and more horny or him to be more tired and less horny.

DramaLlamaFarmer · 02/04/2013 00:33

Your husband is being pathetically selfish. Is he like this in every aspect of your life? You are feeding his child. I am not sure there are any other words to say what is going on more succintly.

YOU are feeding your baby. He is acting like your other child, one that needs attention from mummy or it will have a bit of a tantrum. Maybe he needs a newsflash? He's an adult. Whilst your baby is still, in fact, a baby, you will be attending to her needs and feeding her. He can quite simply, fuck off.

If time away as a couple is needed then call upon friends or family but for gods sake do NOT do it because the man child is chucking his toys out of the pram because his needs are not being met. What a tool.

AnnieLobeseder · 02/04/2013 00:36

There are many, many things wrong with your post. I'll try to respond in order of priority.

Firstly, let's talk about your and your DH.

Do you actually want this sex, or are you just having it to keep him happy? Is this daily?

Does he take on any of the parental responsibility beyond settling baby at night? Does he change nappies, bath her etc?

Because from your posts, he sounds like a selfish arse. He sleeps on the sofa while you struggle to get baby to sleep, just to he can spend 5 minutes getting his leg over without worrying about your satisfaction. It's all about him him him. When you have more time, does he care about your sexual satisfaction?

Is he aware that no-one has ever died from a lack of sex?

I would suggest that you do indeed go on a sex strike, not until he puts baby to sleep, but until he shows you some respect as a partner and a woman, not a sex toy there for his amusement.

Now let's talk about your baby and her sleeping habits. I'm not against co-sleeping, really I'm not. But your set-up doesn't sound ideal as your own sleep is suffering. Don't the lights/TV disturb her while she's downstairs on the sofa? Why are you staying awake upstairs with her for 2 hours? You need to work on teaching her to settle herself. She should have a bedtime between 6-8pm, and that should be it for the evening. I'm no expert on getting babies to sleep/settle, but your setup is not healthy for anyone and I suggest you visit the sleep boards on here for some advice on getting a new routine.

Original poster
princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:36

He just talks about it so much it's driving me nuts: 'tonight I'm going to spoil you and do this that and the other' and when it comes to it I barely get a kiss and a cuddle before he's - for want of a better phrase - trying to get in there

OP posts:
Tortington · 02/04/2013 00:37

if he mentions he is horny - you should say you are too - tell him your so horny you would shag his cock right off, tel hi you woud fuck him every way til sunday. you feel sorry for yourelf tht you can't

i dont see why his lack of sex is more inportant thatn yours

Original poster
princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:41

Yes every night. DD sleeps fine so long as I'm there. I'm horny too but want decent sex, I'm not of the opinion that some is better than none.

OP posts:
DramaLlamaFarmer · 02/04/2013 00:41

So, OP, when he trots out this leg parting phrase, what do you do?

RaisingGirls · 02/04/2013 00:42

annie that's not really helpful, to say "baby should have a bedtime between 6-8pm, and that should be it for the evening." That's the kind of thing Health Visitors say, which actually doesn't help parents in the moment - I have DCs who are hard to settle - the other night we started bedtime at 5.30 and DD2 took until 9pm to get off to sleep - she woke at least 5 times in the night. They are all different and OP needs to work out with her DH how they can both work together to help their baby find a good routine - "self settling" is a myth anyway. Sorry.

EggyFucker · 02/04/2013 00:42

Have you told him the sex he pesters you for is shit ?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/04/2013 00:42

Princess that sounds really horrible Sad Angry

You would not be unreasonable to stop putting yourself out to have inconsiderate unsatisfying sex. That's not going on sex strike, it's a sensible decision to stop doing something that should be pleasurable with someone who doesn't seem to care about your pleasure.

Why does your DH thinks he is more important than you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/04/2013 00:43

Dear god.

RaisingGirls · 02/04/2013 00:43

In case it wasn't obvious from the other posters' comments on here, you don't have to have sex with your DH every night. With a 7 month old, I am impressed you manage it at all ever, to be honest!

You need to talk seriously to your DH. He is being unreasonable.

SirBoobAlot · 02/04/2013 00:45

Focus on your baby and getting a good nights sleep, not on this pathetic whining for sex man-child.