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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go on sex strike til he helps put baby to bed

84 replies

princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:23

Baby is 7 months and breastfed and co-sleeping. I used to settle her in my bed then join her later but the past couple of months this hasn't been working and she's woken within 10-30 mins (usually ten) of me leaving her despite having laid there with her for over an hour first. The evening goes now that she sleeps on my lap downstairs from 8-10ish, I take her to bed and feed/ lay with her then try and get away to go see DH for some 'action.' I use the internet on my phone to stay awake (like now) despite being very tired and try for up to 2 hours to go and see DH, usually disturbing poor DD several times and failing to get away anyway. Or if I do, DH is so conscious of the potential for DD to wake that it's over in 5 mins and does absolutely nothing for me. He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 02/04/2013 00:47

RaisingGirls - that's not really fair. I didn't just say "baby should be in bed by 8pm so deal with it and make it so". I suggested that if the current system isn't working for her, perhaps she could get good advice on the sleep boards. My two were tricky to settle too, but if what you're doing isn't working, you try something new.

Being on a schedule that involved the pressure of having to be downstairs for nookie at a set hour is hardly likely to be helping the situation.

FFS, what kind of man expects daily sex with a young baby in the house?

AnnieLobeseder · 02/04/2013 00:48

OP, you haven't said if he helps out with any of the other childcare or domestic chores.

AnnieLobeseder · 02/04/2013 00:48

Sorry, I should have said "does his share of", not "helps out with".

KatieMiddleton · 02/04/2013 00:52

Have you spoken to him? Asked him to help with the baby? After 7 months of you doing stuff he may have made it up in his head persuaded himself that you are happy with this arrangement.

I am astonished you do it every night. Unless you want sex do not have sex.

musicismylife · 02/04/2013 00:54

Don't use sex as a weapon.

RaisingGirls · 02/04/2013 00:55

Ok Annie I misreasd your post - sorry. I thought you were just telling the OP what she should do with the baby.

RunningAgain · 02/04/2013 00:55

I also can't believe you have sex every night, and you have to go to a great deal of trouble in order to be available to do so. Although, tbh, it doesn't sound like sex, more like your h is using you to wank into.

kotinka · 02/04/2013 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McNewPants2013 · 02/04/2013 00:56

What will happen if you don't want sex. How is your partners reactions

AnnieLobeseder · 02/04/2013 00:56

musicismylife - refusing to have daily unsatisfying sex with a lazy arse husband who won't do his share of caring for his baby is hardly using sex as a weapon. It's just common sense.

aldiwhore · 02/04/2013 00:56

I don't think bashing the DH is helpful IF the DH isn't demanding, there's no crime in being horny, but the quality of sex is dire, and for that he IS BU because it sounds like a one way street.

I'm gasping, but DH has sciatica, I may be guilty of lamenting how much I miss him, but right now, it's not going to be 'great' every night.

I am however very understanding that DH is pretty limited in what he can do for me, so because I am getting it all a little easier at present the oweness is on me to try and make things a bit better. I'm not a bitch for wanting it, I would be VERY unreasonable to simply mount DH, please myself and then carry on complaining. Likewise, he wouldn't be helping himself if he just allowed me to get my oats. You are enabling your DH to remain lazy.

Flip it and your DH is being unreasonable for not actually thinking of YOUR needs a bit more, it doesn't make him a wanker, but just unreasonable.

Likewise you are being unreasonable for perhaps not demanding quality?

Saying all that quality sex is rather difficult with a restless baby in the house, so perhaps you need to sit down and TALK, arrange something (that he contributes to) that would make it easier for both of you to really enjoy each other.

musicismylife · 02/04/2013 01:03

I'm not on about the quality or crapness or quantity; it should never be used as weapon. Full stop. If you feel tired, etc, fine. Anyone with a baby would. But tell him that.

Your title was very badly phrased and I'm sorry, but it got my goat. Sex is NOT about power. It should be about love.

Longdistance · 02/04/2013 01:15

Sounds like you're far too busy pleasing him, and he can't be bothered to help.

Yanbu to go on strike. Go get yourself some much needed sleep.

Night, night op.

abbyfromoz · 02/04/2013 01:30

I too am surprised (and a little jealous) you manage to not only have sex but still fancy having sex every night.... But that doesn't mean I think you should be having crappy sex
I wouldn't go on a strike as such- i think sometimes withdrawing sex can do a lot of damage... So can feeling resentful about lack of support with DD and lack of satisfaction in him pleasing you. I don't want to judge your DH based on how you have described the situation but as it stands he does come across a bit selfish.
I would really talk to him and appeal to him that you are really needing his help. Are feeling overwhelmed as a new mum and tired and do not want it to get to the point where it affects the quality of your love making. Trust me i have been there but unfortunately too late for us... Still plugging away at it but don't let it grow. Communication is everything.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2013 02:43

I wouldn't have a sex strike. I also wouldn't have sex with a lazy, selfish, entitled fuckwit.

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2013 02:58

I wouldn't have sex, ever, unless I was totally happy, wanted it, and had the energy for it. I'd hope and assume that all adults view sex this way.

Some of the responses on this thread are shocking. Posters who say don't go on strike (vile phrase anyway) are you suggesting that op should have sex when she is too tired for it, and pissed off with her DH?

Lueji · 02/04/2013 07:27

Would you have more time in the morning?

But you're not unreasonable to concentrate in making sure your baby, and you, get enough sleep.

abbyfromoz · 02/04/2013 07:28

I was more saying the 'strike' approach may be a little hasty... Like refusing sex blank outright in a protesty sort of manner- rather than sitting down and really airing your feelings and allowing her DH to explain and try to make up for it...

seeker · 02/04/2013 07:37

"I was more saying the 'strike' approach may be a little hasty... Like refusing sex blank outright in a protesty sort of manner- rather than sitting down and really airing your feelings and allowing her DH to explain and try to make up for it..."

Because obviously it's the OP's job to explain things to her partner. There's no way he could be expected to work out for himself that his behaviour is that of a selfish, entitled arse.

FarBetterNow · 02/04/2013 07:44

Re baby: is she sleeping a lot in the day still? If so try reducing her day time sleeps so she is ready for a good deep sleep at night.

Re DH: can he not just do some self satisfaction some (most) nights, but not using porn - as that leads to disaster.

Good luck.

CheerfulYank · 02/04/2013 07:46

I'd kill tell DH "look, I'll be a lot more into sex if I'm not so fucking exhausted I can barely breathe. So help me out or get used to helping yourself out, dick."

Yanbu.

CabbageLeaves · 02/04/2013 07:48

I'd have little love or respect for my DH if this was me.

He does need to know what's going wrong here rather than be expected to guess. I think it's fair to say something like the sex is crap and I'm not getting anything from it. I'm exhausted and doing most of the childcare here. Until you can think of some ideas to resolve this (since I've tried and failed on my own) I think I think we need to change the current situation....otherwise it will lead to my current feelings of being used and unappreciated getting worse.

Then stop trying to appease both babies and put yourself first more.

I think a sleeping routine which doesn't involve such long times of settling is the first target and he needs to help there.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 02/04/2013 07:53

Forget the sex. annie is right. I think first you BOTH need to work together and try something new to get your baby to sleep. Sex or no sex you can't keep doing that , you will end up exhausted if you aren't already.

Your dh is coming across as being an arse but if I was to give him the benefit of the doubt I'd say that maybe he's just missing spending time with you. Obviously he could just be a sex crazy arse but if you could perhaps talk and try and come up with something where the aim is to get your evenings back and have some time together (not just have sex)

But please don't see it as you have to sleep with him. You don't!!

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2013 07:56

Don't go on strike, that sounds petty. Just tell him you don't want bad sex when you're too tired and if he helps you with DD them you might be more in the mood. I am amazed you're having bad sex every night with a small baby, that sounds horrible and you need to communicate better.

Amykins · 02/04/2013 08:30

How long have you been married?

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