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AIBU?

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Original poster

to go on sex strike til he helps put baby to bed

84 replies

princessj29 · 02/04/2013 00:23

Baby is 7 months and breastfed and co-sleeping. I used to settle her in my bed then join her later but the past couple of months this hasn't been working and she's woken within 10-30 mins (usually ten) of me leaving her despite having laid there with her for over an hour first. The evening goes now that she sleeps on my lap downstairs from 8-10ish, I take her to bed and feed/ lay with her then try and get away to go see DH for some 'action.' I use the internet on my phone to stay awake (like now) despite being very tired and try for up to 2 hours to go and see DH, usually disturbing poor DD several times and failing to get away anyway. Or if I do, DH is so conscious of the potential for DD to wake that it's over in 5 mins and does absolutely nothing for me. He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo

OP posts:
ElliesWellies · 02/04/2013 09:39

You know, you don't have to 'let him in', after a quick kiss and cuddle. Tell him he has to please you orally first or something. What's the point in rushing back for crap sex, honestly?

abbyfromoz · 02/04/2013 09:57

Seeker it's not about OP explaining herself... It 's about the OP and her DH communicating (or attempting to).
I wouldn't think expecting him to just 'know' is the answer...otherwise he wouldn't behave that way in the first place.

seeker · 02/04/2013 10:02

Do you really think it's reasonable for an adult, sentient human being to not know that his behaviour is not acceptable here?

I agree that often expecting people to be psychic is unfair- but in this case????? really?

EggyFucker · 02/04/2013 10:03

He knows all right

He just doesn't give a shit

abbyfromoz · 02/04/2013 10:07

Seeker... There are a lot of men out there who tend to be living in the world of 'me'... Self involved... But that fact that OP married and had children with this man suggests to me that it might be worth giving communication a shot?

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 02/04/2013 10:08

This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse

dreamingbohemian · 02/04/2013 10:14

You don't need to stop having sex, full stop -- just stop having the kind of sex you're having right now. It sounds dire. Are there other windows of opportunity? Weekend naps or the like?

I'd tell your DH that you need to sort out DD's sleep first and foremost -- and this is something you both need to work on. When that's improved, you can figure out some new evening habits for the two of you (though just to stress that obviously you don't have to have sex every night if you don't want to!)

I don't think your current setup sounds very good for any of you -- you're exhausted and your DD is not having a very settled night either. Having him help with an expressed bottle sounds like a good thing to try, as part of finding a new routine. Why does he disagree??? Is he just a lazy so and so?

expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 10:15

'He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo'

Tell him to tell it to the hand! And it's not 'helping', it's looking after his own kid!

Lucyellensmum95 · 02/04/2013 10:15

"This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse "

I think i must have misunderstood because I don't think he is witholding sex and no one in their right minds would be accusing the OP of DA????

seeker · 02/04/2013 10:16

"This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse"

April Fool's day was yesterday.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 10:18

'his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse'

Um, no, it isn't.

EggyFucker · 02/04/2013 10:20

Don't rise to the derailer

pomdereplay · 02/04/2013 10:26

Everything seeker has said. This is a sad situation indeed. No matter how much you fancy sex, feeling obliged to get up (running the risk of waking a difficult-to-settle baby) to go to him EVERY NIGHT is just awful.

My daughter is 13 months old. She is breastfed, has co slept with me since she born and still notices if I get up to leave her once she has settled. It literally is a case of picking my moments, sneaking away and enjoying the odd half an hour without baby that we can get. I can count the amount of times we have had sex in the last 6 months on one hand; usually, when we do have time alone we just chat! And not because we don't miss sex. We do, terribly. Luckily, DD won't be a baby forever and we will have quality time again soon -- it will be worth the wait and just surviving and respecting each other in the meantime is key.

Don't go on strike. If your DH really is too dim to realise how unreasonable his behaviour is, TELL him so. Then focus on you and baby and get some sleep.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 02/04/2013 10:39

OP did say she was considering going on sex strike, so i took that to be a refusal to show affection / have sex.

"More recognised forms of emotional abuse are control by fear, control by manipulation and control by withdrawing affection or ignoring a spouse."

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 02/04/2013 10:42

OP I hope you ignore that shit comment back there. Its not DA.

DH can have a five knuckle shuffle if he's that horny,however you need to talk to him about your dissatisfaction or it will lead to resentment. Of course he should help settle DD too.

seeker · 02/04/2013 10:43

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BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 02/04/2013 10:44

Oh for gods sake,affection is not just sex and ignoring is not refusing sex.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2013 10:44

NO ONE has to have sex they do not want. Refusing to have sex you do not want, for whatever reason, is not abuse.

LibertineLover · 02/04/2013 10:55

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Lucyellensmum95 · 02/04/2013 11:00

Back to reality: The real issue here is that he has gotten into the habit of not helping with bedtime because well, you are the one with the breasts so it was, i guess, an easy habit to get into. Does he help other times?

Those are the real issues - how much he "helps" with HIS child. Its not about going on sex strike, its about being able to enjoy quality time together because you have worked as a team to sort your DDs sleep issues out.

OxfordBags · 02/04/2013 11:11

Oh yes, not knowing you're out of order can be the only reason for continuing said behaviour Hmm

OP, it sounds like he's competing with your baby to get access to your body. Or that he now sees your body as a sort of Giving Machine and that the way you selflessly give give give to your little baby must mean that he is automatically entitled to taketaketake the way a baby does and that you unquestionably just want to givegivegive to whomever wants to take, IYSWIM. It also sounds like he is a thoughtless, selfish, sexist crap shag who doesn't believe that he should participate in the harder and more demanding parts of parenting. There is a lot more going on here than him 'just' being a crap shag - he sounds like a selfish, immature twat who thinks his dick is more important than his child or his partner's needs.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 11:11

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EmmelineGoulden · 02/04/2013 11:52

Echo the comment about sex not being a "job" and therefore no real way to strike.

I think you have two issues -

He isn't helping at bed time. I am shocked that a father won't even try bottle feeding to sleep his own child. It's true it may not work, but how selfish do you have to be to not even give it a go? You could try not keeping yourself awake with the phone. If you wake up once the baby is settled, all well and good, but otherwise it's just life. Or you could just make up a bottle of expressed milk one night and at 8 pm give him the baby and the bottle and tell him you're going out, he should call you when the baby's settled and you'll come back for some "action" (if that's what you want). You could go and kip in the car if you want to, the point is to make sure he has to learn how to get on with it without you picking up the slack.

Secondly, he (and possibly you - it's a common misconception) see sex as being mainly about him coming. If you're frequently having sex where he's coming but you're not getting anything, why aren't you frequently having sex where you're coming but he's not getting anything? He doesn't have to come for it to be sex. I would be tempted to tell him he needs to redress the balance, and you don't care (for now) whether he comes or not, but sex needs to be a lot more about you and your pleasure for a while.

butterandbread157 · 02/04/2013 12:32

Having read your OP, it felt very similar to me when DD2 came along. (DD1 was ff due to reflux)
DH was very hands on with DD1 but like a different person with DD2, he assumed that she wanted me ALL the time due to bf so didn't have any kind of bond with her and didn't help to settle her, try her with a bottle etc.

I decided to give DD2 a dummy to my DH disgust, I told him he hadn't shown any interest and it was my decision! It worked a treat to break the link between bf and sleep and to end the co-sleeping.
After a bit of a break down at 3am I had a sceaming match with DH about his lack of interest in DD2 and he hadn't realised what he was doing as for the first few months she was attached to me and he just fell into a habit!!

YANBU at all but if the co-sleeping works for you then do that and don't keep yourself awake for something that you don't enjoy!!

scottishmummy · 02/04/2013 12:40

Sad you hold so little value to consensual act sex that you withhold and use as punishment
shame you feel So desperate and tired,it's affected your judgement
Talk like adults,get a mutually agreeable plan