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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not discuss kids with the ex ow

20 replies

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:03

I need some mutual answers please. I'm. Not sure if. I'm pissed. Because I'm so close to I

Long story short. Ex h was abusive he lives in another country. Refusing. To pay cs. I used to get random abusive entails from him. But he neverptelephones the kids.has written to then 2 times in 4 years. I used to beg him to stay in contact with them. Till year ago after I got fed up the abuse . There was quite for. A few months till his girlfriend started emailing me asking for their date of births and nine so. She could surprise him with t something.. asking their clothes sizes.. saying things like. We can't wait to. Send them stuff... basically talking like. Nothing has happened and she's some how step mum... though she has never spoke to them. Never mind met them.

Would I be reasonable to say if Ex. Wants to. Knowh anything. Or. Wants updates. I will only. Speak to him. Not her... or. Would that be unfair. I have not heard any thing from him for 6ish months

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/04/2013 22:04

No you would not be being unreasonable

ThreeWheelsGood · 01/04/2013 22:05

Yanbu, be civil and say you'll only speak to him.

LemonBreeland · 01/04/2013 22:06

I would not reply to her at all. If your ex is not in contact with you or the dc I see no reason to have anything to do with his gf.

Fleecyslippers · 01/04/2013 22:06

YANBU. Do not engage. Do not give her an inch. If HE wants to try repairing the damage that he has done, then that is a different story. This woman is a stranger to you and your children and the fact that she credits herself as a 'step mum' is a huge red flag.

pinksomething · 01/04/2013 22:07

Perhaps rather than a stroppy "I won't deal with you" (not saying you would be stroppy but tone is difficult to ascertain in email!) you could explain that a surprise wouldn't really be appropriate given the length of time with no contact and that if he wants to make contact that it would be better to come from him first.

HollyBerryBush · 01/04/2013 22:10

She could easily write the same requests on his email address.

Are you divorced? 4 years seems a long time to be carrying that millstone round your neck

littleblackno · 01/04/2013 22:11

ask her why she hasn't got this info from your ex- her 'dp'. He should know when their b'days are. then tell her as the relationship has been so sporadic and abusive you don't think its a good idea for kids to have contact. If she wants more info about that then feel free to ask you. Chances are he's not telling her the full story!
otoh, tell her to sod off as they are not her kids and as their dad doesn't have a relationship with them, you're not going to allow her (a stranger) to.

floweryblue · 01/04/2013 22:11

YANBU by refusing to speak to either of them, but is it possible that GF is trying to build bridges that your X can't?

She may be the sensible person in their relationship who may be able to discuss contact/maintenance with you.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:12

I've. Allways ways been civil. I never raised to the bait .. though I'll be ranting in my head and fuming off all the things I want to say. Saying it to them. Him..her won't get me any where.. my plane is to keep all emails to show the kids later on if they wish. Tobprove I did every thing I could to get their dad to see them and meareacting how they do will do me no favours.

So I will write a civil reply and say if so n so would like to have updates and Skype I will only talk to him.

No doubt I will get abuse back on how I'm standing in his way of the kids. That us what I was unsure of. Incase I was being unfair and doing so.

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HollyBerryBush · 01/04/2013 22:13

Although, you call her a girlfriend, how do you know she isn't his life partner? They don't have to be married in this day and age for her to be deemed a stepmother if his relationship with her is long term and stable.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:14

I'm trying to get a divorce.. he refuses to sign them. But I should have my decree this month.

Because he lives in another country it's harder to prove he had received them and was refusing to sign them.

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aldiwhore · 01/04/2013 22:17

Being an optimist I'm going to answer as if his gf is actually a lovely person who is trying to resolve a situation with her partner who happens to be your ex... she's in a loving relationship and trying to 'help' her partner build bridges with his children once more, maybe because he's cried on her shoulder about his regrets. That's the most fluffy I can make it, and may or may not be true.

Saying all that, YANBU even in the best circumstances. If your DH needs a woman's involvement to make him act like a father, then he isn't a father at all.

Be polite, be over polite if you must. Be SO BLOODY REASONABLE that your ex's new partner may think twice about the twat she's with?

She is NOT the ow, seeing as they got together after you. She is his legitimate girlfriend but NOT a go between, you don't have to deal with her, and she shouldn't be put inthis position. Vent your spleen on your useless ex, not her.

Keep your cool. x Remember YANBU so don't be, she isn't the enemy here and you do not have to deal with her.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:19

theve been together for a year maybe. i think its becasue he doesnt have any contact with them. he thinks its the responability of a 4 and 7 year old to phone him (which i did phone in the beging but he hardly answered and i would get abuse via emails of hop phoning him was an inconviencae to his new life so i stopped phoning, he has never phoned here. though he does have the number)

if he was a half way decent dad iw ouldnt have a problem with this woman speacking about them so foundly.. bt shes never spoke to them it just irks me.

OP posts:

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:21

yes i suppose ow was the wrong wording.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 01/04/2013 22:21

Ah well, after 5 years you don't need his consent.

I'm having a dilemma of my own on this - clearly you have issues with him, the new partner is perhaps trying to make amends.

Without knowing cultural differences and sterotyping accordingly, it's impossible to say whether she is acting under his direction or whether she is just a busybody, or whether she has a good heart.

I've always thought the best thing you can do in the interests of any child is to make a friend of your exs new partner.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:24

well i have spoken to her before, and she was all right. ex is very messed up, they had broke up once when she emailed me saying she to had theorpy becasue of what he had done to her. (emotionally)
tbh i think shes under his thumb and just living in to his fansty that he is the perfect farther. i hold no reall lbad feeling towards her other then this n eed to call her self a step mum, i pitty her if anything.

they are both american

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Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:25

ohhh but i managed to get enough prove he had reseved them and refused to sign them, :D i have my nisi and my absolute should be here soon. and a biiggg bottle of wine to celebrate :D

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BrandiBroke · 01/04/2013 22:31

I think if it's a case of them getting presents from their dad or not then I would tell her their birthdays and clothes sizes and let her send things on his behalf.

My mum is a stepmother and without her behind the scenes my dad would have forgotten birthdays and sent age inappropriate Christmas gifts to my older siblings. But because my mum worked hard to keep the contact going he always had a great relationship with them.

I would give the woman a chance. Either presents will arrive and maybe more contact will follow - which will be good for the children, or it'll all be talk and nothing will be sent - in which case you'll be no worse off than you are now.

aldiwhore · 01/04/2013 22:32

I think then, seeing as she's not the devil incarnate, that you need to save a paragraph of political correctness and politeness, reasonable reason and perfectly fair words on a word doc and every time she gets in touch, copy and paste it. It can become your mantra.

In fact you need a mantra for your ex too... I'm sure mnetters could think of a few to get you through. It is HIS responsibility to keep up contact, and you are being utterly reasonable by being open to that.

Sounds like he's digging his own hole with regards the children, they'll remember the LACK of phonecalls won't they? Let him dig.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 01/04/2013 22:35

Did your farther talk to you though? Did he actively try and see you you?

If so then i don't think the tw/o are compariable.

He has the address . And birthdays .. and Christmas is On the same day. It's more about speaking to to them then presents and child maintenance ..

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