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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a victim of abuse or actually was a just a slut?

55 replies

slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 20:23

Have NC'd am a regular longterm member.

I have self esteem issues and i want to investigate why.

When i was about 12 i developed a crush on someone much older, and married. He sort of encouraged it - in a way an adult might tease a child i suppose. There was a time when he did touch me and i was thrilled - well i felt quite gawky etc compared to my classmates. Anyway, this went of for a while and he then sort of moved away.

When I was about 15 he came back to working locally and i would go and see him in his place of work and I would have sex with him.

The thing is, he was married - i loathed his wife and resented his children. Now i am so ashamed and embarrased about this as of course it was me who was in the wrong - what had that poor woman ever done to me? As it was he left her for another younger model (but older than me) I think he was in his 30s.

Im in my 40s now but i still can't help but wonder if this is what has shaped things for me? Due to my spurned affections for this man (quite happy to fuck me of course) i slept around and can't count how many men I have slept with.

The only thing i do have any confidence in though is my sexuality - I have been with DP for 20 years now and our sex life, whilst a bit slack lately due to other reasons has always been good.

Sorry, this all probably seems a bit moot but i have spent many years wondering - the nickname says it all really

OP posts:

OHforDUCKScake · 31/03/2013 20:27

Touched you in what way?

selsigfach · 31/03/2013 20:27

He was sexually abusing you at the age if 12, this isn't a question you need to be asking. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Have you someone in RL you can talk about this with?

SneezingwakestheJesus · 31/03/2013 20:28

You were abused and taken advantage of. 16 is the legal age for sex for a reason and under that age (even at 15) you are a child who doesn't have the right kind of emotional development to deal with those type of situations. You are definitely not a slut so please don't think that.

Idocrazythings · 31/03/2013 20:29

Victim. I'm so sorry you were taken advantage of like that.

MrsLouisTheroux · 31/03/2013 20:30

He was certainly in the wrong. A lot of young girls are insecure and he took advantage. You felt 'thrilled' because he was tuning into your insecurities and made you feel wanted. I hate men like this with a passion. They are devious charmers who will say anything and use anyone to get what they want.
Don't feel guilty OP, you're the victim.

Idocrazythings · 31/03/2013 20:30

You were probably groomed too from the age of 12

EllaFitzgerald · 31/03/2013 20:30

You were a child. You cannot compare yourself to the type of woman who would chase after a married man. He, on the other hand, was an adult. He was the one who should have behaved appropriately but chose to take advantage of you instead, and your low self esteem is the result of that.

I think you should definitely think about counselling.

Backtobedlam · 31/03/2013 20:32

This is in no way your fault, at 12, and then 15, you were a child. He took advantage of you and in no way should you take the blame for that. When you look at 12 year olds now, you can see they are children. Even if they dress older, wear make-up, talk the talk etc. that is just a stage of growing up and not something that any adult should ever respond to. Have you ever spoken to anyone in RL about this?

MooMooSkit · 31/03/2013 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 31/03/2013 20:33

No you are not a slut.

Horrible word. I'm not fond of victim either tbh but it's a much better word than slut if you force me to choose between the two.

At 12 you were a child and whatever you were doing should not have been encouraged in any way by a grown man. It's him that is at fault, not you.

Normal for a child to explore their sexuality and experiment with flirting etc.

Not normal for an adult to exploit that.

When I was about 14 I went to a sports camp and lost my virginity to a guy in his late 20s who was coaching amercian football. Now I flirted and said it was what I wanted yadda, yadda, but a normal man would not take advantage of a child doing that.

You were a child, he was a grown man. End of. I am neither a slut nor a victim. I was a child who was taken advantage of. I am now an adult with a functioning relationship.

Low self-esteem often comes out through gaining "approval" via sex. I am pretty sure it's very common. It was for me for a lot of my teens If you have been with you DP for 20 odd years it sounds like you have got over this and are having a good, adult realtionship. Be proud of yourself for that and don't blame yourself for being exploited as a child.

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2013 20:33

He's an abuser. You did nothing wrong.

Loislane78 · 31/03/2013 20:34

Well is that not technically rape or child abuse? 15 yo with 18 yo I suppose I don't have a problem with but an older married man interested and touching a 12 yo - WRONG, illegal, v scary. How did you know this person?

I think you were v much the victim and I'm glad you've turned your life around and are happily with someone. Relationships aren't all about sex though, how good it is and frequency which you seem to infer. What you bring should be based on more than that so I would say perhaps you do still have some self-esteem issues.

Corygal · 31/03/2013 20:35

Why are you bringing this up now?

SanityClause · 31/03/2013 20:35

You were a victim. You were a vulnerable child, and he took advantage of you.

BTW, there is no such thing as a "slut". There are women who have a lot of sex for one reason or another, just as some men do.

LemonPeculiarJones · 31/03/2013 20:35

Victim. So sorry you went through that. You were a child and groomed to be sexually exploited by that vile, worthless man.

There is no other way to look at that part of your history. Please do get some counselling or therapy, to help you work through your memories and move on in the full knowledge you were not the one to blame.

marriedinwhiteagain · 31/03/2013 20:41

He took advantage of your innocence and your youth and he abused you. Did you have anyone to look out for you and love you unconditionally at that time?

I am really glad you have been happy for the last 20 years. If you need to unpick what happened, get some professional counselling.

AnneNonimous · 31/03/2013 20:42

corygal why the hell does it matter?

AnneNonimous · 31/03/2013 20:46

OP, this has made me well up as I can relate to it so much. When I was a child/young teenager attention from older men was exciting. You want to feel like an adult and be treated that one. Which usually means doing adult things that you are too young to emotionally understand.

I was abused at the same age, and yes you were abused. You are now an adult, if you look at any 15 year old you know can you imagine it being ok for you to have sex with them?

Most importantly you are not to blame yourself for what happened and what it caused you to do afterwards. I slept around for years and have felt so much guilt and shame until I realised exactly why I had been doing it.

Big hugs to you OP.

parakeet · 31/03/2013 20:46

I too dislike the word slut. It implies there is something wrong with women having "too much" sex.

There's a lot wrong with a married man having sex with another woman, though, and an awful, awful lot wrong with an adult man interacting sexually with a 12-year-old. You could still report him for this now and ruin his life, if you wish to.

twofingerstoGideon · 31/03/2013 20:46

Why are you bringing this up now?
WTAF??

twofingerstoGideon · 31/03/2013 20:47

You did absolutely nothing wrong. So glad you're in therapy and I sincerely hope it helps you come to terms with what this person did to you.

lovetomoan · 31/03/2013 20:48

You were a child and he was/is a child abuser.

So many children have a 'crush' on their teachers, but teachers don't act like this man acted towards you.

Stop feeling guilty. You are not to blame. I am sorry that happened to you.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 31/03/2013 20:50

Yes, he was in the wrong and he took advantage of your teenage crush on him.

HOWEVER - if this hasn't been troubling you, then don't start letting it trouble you now.

Please don;t let the opinions of others begin to make you feel like a victim if you didn't feel that way before. If you're not ok, seek help, but if you're ok, then you've dealt with it perfectly well and probably won't gain anything by digging it up.

MooMooSkit · 31/03/2013 20:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ParadiseChick · 31/03/2013 20:53

I had a similar situation. It's took me a long time to reason that it was abuse.

As an adult it was his job to say no, regardless of my advances.

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