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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a victim of abuse or actually was a just a slut?

55 replies

slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 20:23

Have NC'd am a regular longterm member.

I have self esteem issues and i want to investigate why.

When i was about 12 i developed a crush on someone much older, and married. He sort of encouraged it - in a way an adult might tease a child i suppose. There was a time when he did touch me and i was thrilled - well i felt quite gawky etc compared to my classmates. Anyway, this went of for a while and he then sort of moved away.

When I was about 15 he came back to working locally and i would go and see him in his place of work and I would have sex with him.

The thing is, he was married - i loathed his wife and resented his children. Now i am so ashamed and embarrased about this as of course it was me who was in the wrong - what had that poor woman ever done to me? As it was he left her for another younger model (but older than me) I think he was in his 30s.

Im in my 40s now but i still can't help but wonder if this is what has shaped things for me? Due to my spurned affections for this man (quite happy to fuck me of course) i slept around and can't count how many men I have slept with.

The only thing i do have any confidence in though is my sexuality - I have been with DP for 20 years now and our sex life, whilst a bit slack lately due to other reasons has always been good.

Sorry, this all probably seems a bit moot but i have spent many years wondering - the nickname says it all really

OP posts:
Worriedaboutapal · 31/03/2013 20:57

I was abused as a teen too. What (not to mention married) man in their right mind would allow sleep with a young teenager?

Check out "Survivor To Thriver" if you can find it somewhere on the www - it has a checklist of after-effects of sexual abuse so you could see which ones apply to you. I found it quite useful.

Quak · 31/03/2013 20:58

You, as everyone else has said, were a child and he was the adult. Nothing you did, wanted or seemed to ask for will ever justify or excuse what he did.
Think about any adult male you love and respect. Would they behave like that? No they wouldn't because that is not the way decent human beings behave.
I hope you can start to see that and believe that no matter what you think you were like as a child, you were in no way responsible for what it seems was grooming and sexual abuse.
I agree, if you're ready then counselling might help you reframe this situation and address your self esteem issues. I wish you well op.

Worriedaboutapal · 31/03/2013 20:58

I meant: would allow themselves to sleep with a young teenager?

Maggie111 · 31/03/2013 20:58

He abused you. You were a child. Plenty of children have crushes and plenty of men fancy children... But for an adult to step over the line is just a guaranteed way to fuck you up for a long time. That's why teachers and people in positions of authority can't have relationships, that's why the age of consent is 16... You're not mature enough to know better, so yes you can "come onto" someone in a flirtatious way - but they really should have enough fucking sense to think "I remember being stupid and 12/15 - so I will say no."

He is wrong, no wonder you have issues now at 40! I completely agree with ParadiseChick - it was his job to say no. He failed you.

DizzyHoneyBee · 31/03/2013 21:09

Don't feel guilty about it, it's terrible that it happened to you and you are certainly not a slut because of it. You're a survivor and you deserve to get the support you need to move on from what happened.

Original poster
slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 21:25

thankyou everyone for your responses, they are as i expected. Exactly the advice i would give anyone else.

Corygirl Why are you bringing this up now?

That is a good question and a fair one - I don't know, it isn't something that actually bothers me. At least i don't THINK it is. I certainly don't consider myself a victim and am more uncomfortable with victim than i am slut (slut implies I made choices - i didn't then, but i do now)

I ask because I suffer from anxiety and depression and have had a fair bit of counselling. I have never discussed this before or felt the need to. Im not sure i feel the need to now.

The reason I am looking back is because my self esteem is so low and i want to make sure that i make full use of the counselling that I have. There are issues with my mother - she is a trigger and there are issues surrounding my career - but the career issues are due to my crippling lack of confidence. Lack of confidence that my friends would be astounded if they knew about - i mask it well with a loud mouth and a rather precocious attitude. I used to dress quite "slutty" but I no longer have the confidence to do that.

OP posts:
Orianne · 31/03/2013 21:27

I've just been reading comments on an article about Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith where some idiot was saying she was a party girl and well up for it. No she fucking wasn't she was 14 and he was in his forties. It was abuse and he should have been prosecuted.

This wasn't your fault OP, it was abuse.

Backtobedlam · 31/03/2013 21:33

If you are already having counselling I don't think this is something you should hold back. Without giving the full picture to your counseller you won't gain as much from the sessions, and as you are there, and talking through things you may as well be totally open.

Self confidence is a funny one, in that lots of people who appear confident, or even over-confident may actually be struggling underneath. You certainly won't be the only one at work that puts on a 'persona'. Its good you are addressing it though, and I hope things go well for you in the future.

ashesgirl · 31/03/2013 21:37

I don't really think it's a fair question to ask why are you bringing it up now. It doesn't really matter. Lots of people revisit these things much later on in life.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/03/2013 21:38

SlutorVictim, You said am more uncomfortable with victim than I am slut. Why do you think you find it so difficult to accept that he abused you and you were not to blame?

Original poster
slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 21:43

Dione - it is like admitting a weakness i suppose. I don't feel like a victim

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/03/2013 21:46

To be fair Corygals post could be asking if something has happened to prompt these thoughts. I might be wrong but it's possible .
I know the thing that prompted my re-examining my abuse was relevant to how I viewed it iyswim

b4bunnies · 31/03/2013 21:49

all the people who have said an adult shouldn't do that, he was an abuser, are absolutely correct.

but read the thread and see how many underage girls put themselves up for sex with older men. we have to teach girls not to do this. their hormones tell them to, they haven't the emotional maturity to understand the harm it might do to them and others. they were putting themselves out there generations ago and they are doing it today, tonight.

'it was up to him to reject my advances' someone said. not 'it was up to me not to make advances' or 'it was up to my parents not to allow me to get into circumstances where i could make advances to older men'.

yes, you could go back 20 years and have that person imprisoned. it might be right to do that. but there's something fairly sick about saying 'girls should be able to come on to men without men taking advantage'. there is a whole layer of responsibility missing. if the girl is too young to take responsibility for herself, her parents and carers should be protecting her.

where is your teenage daughter tonight?

Pagwatch · 31/03/2013 21:50

Slutorvictim.
I was abused but I am not a victim. It happened to me but examining what happened to me is to help me move on, not let it affect me.
I would have felt like a victim if I let those acts years ago define how I viewed myself - especially as a slut

alwaysinhiding · 31/03/2013 21:50

Like others i have felt the same, when i was 14 i fancied a friends family member he was 25, i used to flirt with him alot and we hung around his house daily id try and wind him up cringeworthy now but i suppose i was trying to feel grown up, i used to feel he was flirting back but not obviously, one day he was going on holiday so my friend and i wouldnt be seeing him for 2 weeks, just as were leaving he said wait up, closed the door and pushed me against the wall and kissed me i could feel he had an erection and he was pushing it against me i got a fright tbh it was more than i expected but made a laugh and left, i never visited him again and often wonder if he or i was in the wrong he was the adult but i did wind him up, either way it makes me feel horrid thinking about it now that im pushing 30

Pagwatch · 31/03/2013 21:56

Erm. A 12 year old girl with a crush on a man will be perfectly safe with any man who doesn't abuse 12 year old girls.
Most men do not have unwieldy penises that are completely out of their control.

The question is not about 'should the op go back 20 years and have him jailed'.
The question is was she abused or not. She was.

BruthasTortoise · 31/03/2013 22:02

I think in this case you were the victim of abuse but when I was 15 my boyfriend was in his early 20s. He was lovely, we had lovely respectful sex as soon as i turned 16 and I certainly wasn't abused. I don't think it's as straightforward as any older person in a relationship is automatically an abuser if their boyfriend/girlfriend is 15.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/03/2013 22:03

Childhood isn't weakness SlutorVictim.Smile. It is a precious, vulnerable state, so valued by our society that we have laws to protect children. As a 12yo child, you were not weak, however you were vulnerable. This man used the fact that you were vulnerable to sexually abuse you. He emotionally abused you so you would be more co-operative. The power imbalance in this relationship was such that it could only be described as abusive.Sad

He not only abused your body, he messed with your head so that he could abuse your 12yo body with impunity. You don't have to feel like a victim but what he did to you was certainly abuse.

Original poster
slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 22:08

b4bunnies - this man (perfectly "respectable" not some jeremy kyle type) was sort of a friend of the family. I was open about my crush on him, because i was 12 and didn't really get it i suppose. I was giggly and silly about it, my dad used to tease me FFS!

I have no desire to put him behind bars, it wouldnt achieve anything - he has a family, children, grandchildren no doubt (who i am am sure as the next person he is not risk to, if i thought that, things would be different).

Ironically when i was 12 it was just an innocent school girl crush but he took advantage of it, inappropriate talk, touching me, getting me to touch him. Then he was off the scene for a few years and I lost my virginity, at 14 to someone else. It was around this time he came back on the scene, i was "in love " with this man though so imagine how i felt when at 15 he was interested in me! Had sex with me regularly. This was during the day (i would go and see him at work on the way home from school) my parents were pretty much over protective and i wsn't allowed out in the evenings. I often wonder if i was if it wouldnt have happened because i would have been out and about with my peer group and indulging in heavy petting instead of getting fucked in the back of a double glazing showroom.

If this person had done this to my daughter, he would be in prison or dead now - i told my parents later on (when i was about 19 and he dumped me!) - they were disappointed (in me!)

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/03/2013 22:11

That's not unusual slutorvictim .
Most paedophiles succeed because they are perfectly respectable.
The image of an abuser as some dodgy sort just helps to heap confusion on the situation. It's why I hate stranger danger.
It's also why parents are often crap. They can't quite make sense of it and ofte are in denial about the access they allowed the abuser to their child. Guilt is involved I think.

Original poster
slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 22:11

Bruthas that is a very good point - my DP is 7 years older than I am, we met when i was 21 and he was 28. I think we had the conversation along the lines of "oh, when you (DP) were 21 i would have been 14 would you still have gone out with me" He said "no way, why would i be interested in a child and it would be wrong of me". I think it was different for me with this other guy - i was 12 and he was 32. I agree that you wasn't abused at all.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 31/03/2013 22:13

I am really sorry but you was abused my love.

BruthasTortoise · 31/03/2013 22:17

slutorvictim he was definitely an abuser. Even without the inappropriateness when you were 12 (which in my view makes him a full on paedophile), the imbalance of power in the "relationship" makes it completely abusive.

Original poster
slutorvictim · 31/03/2013 22:27

When i think about it (in my wine fuelled state)I can't help but think that this fucker stole my teenage years from me - instead of being out with my friends I was pining for a fucking idiot who i thought was a god Hmm It makes me angry. I have seen him around a few times and I have wanted to go up to him and say, hey you - I did ok you know - i wasn't stupid after all. He doesn't recognise me when he walks past me in the street. I thought i loved him. I didn't - i sold myself down the swanny for him. Cunt

I am lucky though, I have a lovely DP and we have had a good relationship, its had its rough patches (money) but i'll grow old with him.

OP posts:
TraineeBabyCatcher · 31/03/2013 23:34

This is something I think about sometimes. I had sex with an older teen (18/19) when I was 14, I did it because I was insecure and bullied and I thought sleeping with him would help make me popular and get friends as he was a popular person and very attractive. In reality its just made me feel like a slut for the rest of my life. I'm embarrassed by the way I behaved and would be saddened and angry if I found out any child of mine (or any really) had been taken advantage of in the same way.

In answer to you op, you are definitely not a slut!