Am I a victim of abuse or actually was a just a slut?

[slutorvictim]

Have NC'd am a regular longterm member.

I have self esteem issues and i want to investigate why.

When i was about 12 i developed a crush on someone much older, and married. He sort of encouraged it - in a way an adult might tease a child i suppose. There was a time when he did touch me and i was thrilled - well i felt quite gawky etc compared to my classmates. Anyway, this went of for a while and he then sort of moved away.

When I was about 15 he came back to working locally and i would go and see him in his place of work and I would have sex with him.

The thing is, he was married - i loathed his wife and resented his children. Now i am so ashamed and embarrased about this as of course it was me who was in the wrong - what had that poor woman ever done to me? As it was he left her for another younger model (but older than me) I think he was in his 30s.

Im in my 40s now but i still can't help but wonder if this is what has shaped things for me? Due to my spurned affections for this man (quite happy to fuck me of course) i slept around and can't count how many men I have slept with.

The only thing i do have any confidence in though is my sexuality - I have been with DP for 20 years now and our sex life, whilst a bit slack lately due to other reasons has always been good.

Sorry, this all probably seems a bit moot but i have spent many years wondering - the nickname says it all really

You were abused and it was NOT your fault

You were abused and I'm so sorry you were.
Similar situation happened to me, I was 14, he was in his thirties. I got validation from him, made me think being sexual was something I was really good at and it became part of my self identity. I acted slutty until my twenties and tried to own that description because I didn't want to feel like a victim, I was a slut but it was my choice.
It was my choice, he didn't force me but he groomed and manipulated me into thinking I wanted to, 'easing' my fears if I had any doubts.

In a way, being promiscuous with others after felt like a fuck you to him. Like yeah you hurt me but I'm a sexual person and I'm like this anyway so you don't matter.
I don't know if that makes any sense.

I married someone great and sometimes now get so sad after sex which is good and caring because that prick robbed me of experiencing sex like that for the first time. He made it into something dirty.

Sorry for going on, just identified with a lot of what you said.

Please don't call yourself a slut, I did for years too.

You were underage. What he did was illegal.

I also told my DH about your thread and he says what that man did to you it's disgusting and you were vulnerable. He abused you.

If this person had done this to my daughter, he would be in prison or dead now

That says it all, doesn't it OP?

It can be a very uncomfortable moment realising and admitting you were a victim. But being a victim of an abuser does not make you a bad person, as you well know.

I think you should discuss this in your counselling.