To find the term "birth mum" offensive when used in the context of stepparents and parents?

[SneezingwakestheJesus]

Just been browsing around on here, as you do, and read a couple of threads where the step child's mother was referred to as being their "birth mum". It wasn't being used in the context of adoption or in a situation where the mother has no contact with the child. It was used by stepmothers discussing their partners ex.

Am I being unreasonable to be offended by this? It makes me feel a bit angry to think one day by ex's new partner could be describing me as my daughters birth mum. I'm her mum, plain and simple!

How can you be a fake mum when you are not their mum?

Step mum is just that not a real or fake anything.

I call my dad 'dad' and my step dad by his first name. I barely remember my dad (he died when I was four) and my step dad is the person who parented me in many ways and if I thought if Dad, automatically it would be my dad. Because he's my dad.,

I love my step dad as a parent. But he is not my father. I think I love him more than my dad because I have so many memories- and I have some ones if my dad of course, but I think of him as a collection of my mam's memories and stories, not as a person.

Step parents are never equal to the actual parents. It's difficult in a way, to describe it. Like, my step dad is my parent like my mum and dad...but in a different way and he is not and never will be ,y dad. I love him as a parent but not as a father ifyswim?

A mum is always a mum and a dad a dad (unless in cases of adoption/surrogacy where I have little knowledge of it all, so will leave it) because those are the facts, and hiding it under a minimising title such as birth mother shows the step parent wants to minimise the role f the mother too.

That's exactly what I'm saying sock, there's no need for my Stepchildrens mum to be referred to as their "real mum" as that implies that there is someone else trying to be mum who isn't their real mum. She is mum, I am stepmum, there shouldn't need to be any further qualifiers.

Quite.

skratta there are people who would disagree with you. I have friends with absent parents, normally fathers, who think of their stepdads as dad and their dads as biological fathers and call them that. Surely in those circumstances each individual child gets to decide who is called what?

Incidentally, does anyone actually know of any children who address their steparents as 'step mum' or 'step dad'? I have never heard of this: I think first name is default, no? Unless for reason of absent parent or something else they are calling them mum/dad directly.

They might say 'my step mum' or something when talking about that person, but would they ever address the SP as such? I don't think so.

Bruthas I agree. My birth father is just that - a birth father apparently my "real" father - but he is nothing more than a sperm donor. My step father on the other hand is my father, he is the man I think of when people ask about my dad.

Riverboat, even in the context of a post centred on the stepmum, how would bio mum or birth mum differentiate in a way that mum wouldn't? I'm not being stubborn, I'm trying to understand it so I understand the use of it better. It seems more natural to me even on a thread about the stepmum to say "dsc's mum". I can't even imagine a sentence where birth mum would be more natural or useful than saying "dsc's mum" if the mum is an active part of the child's life.

I don't understand even in categories either. Why would the labels mum and stepmum not be enough to avoid confusion? Birth mum isn't a word related to the stepmum like you are saying it is imo its a word related to the child. The mum didnt give birth to the stepmum, she gave birth to the stepchild and is the stepchilds mum so in the context of the stepmum, she's her dsc's mum. If my ex got married, in relation to his new partner, I would be her dsd's mum not the new partners birth mum or bio mum. Why is birth mum any easier than saying dsc's mum? I am genuinely curious because I can't see why it would be any clearer so still get the feeling its to give the child's mum a less emotive label or to make her less of a person. Especially the label bio mum.

I agree with the term "real mum" being horrible too.

It is not to make her less of a person, you sound a bit paranoid there!

That's fair enough. I just think using a term that kind of dehumanises someone when there's no reason to use it (because it doesn't help differentiate any more than saying "dsc's mum" does) has some sort of psychological reasoning behind it.

OK, I have an example to explain what I mean:

Imagine a thread where an OP, who is a stepmother, writes a post complaining about the mother of her DSC. A load of posters reply, also stepmothers, all agreeing with the OP and saying the DSC's mother sounds completely awful.

Imagine I want to reply to this, but go against the grain of the thread. I might write 'I think that stepmothers are often too quick to believe the worst of birth mothers'.

Now I am clearly not trying to belittle birth mothers here. But I wouldn't write 'I think that stepmothers are often too quick to believe the worst of mothers' because I don't mean mothers generally. And I wouldn't writer 'I think that stepmothers are often too quick to believe the worst of their DSC's mothers' because I am not talking about stepmothers individual DSC's mothers, I am talking about 'mothers whose children have stepparents' as a category.

I do agree it is an imperfect term, but I think it more or less does the job, and I can't think of anything better to use in these examples!

That's a good example Riverboat.

I think op you are being a bit strong with 'dehumanises' and 'psychological reasoning' -it is a term that accurately describes the familial relationship for clarity.

Riverboat, I do see what you mean on that example! It took a couple of reads to get my head around it but then it clicked

That's true, Maryz. I hadnt thought of it like that. I think it just offended me initially because it sounds so cold, especially "bio mum".

Yellow, the reason I said "dehumanises" is because several of the threads I read were using it while slagging off their partners ex. It came across, to me, like it was a way of emphasising how little the ex's opinion counted because all they were was this baby making birth vessel. Probably a little extreme though

So I think the repies have changed my opinion. I'm going to conclude that in some scenarios IANBU (like when its used in a derogatory way) but in others, IABU to be offended by "birth mum" because its sometimes just simpler to type that way like dd or ds or dh is.

Mary, in real life IME people don't always talk like that. They very much talk of birth or real parents. Hell, not even my brother does. He will talk about his "real" father for example. A few of my friends are from blended families or are part of blended families and it is very much, step mom/dad, birth mom/dad or real mom/dad.

I wasn't raising any issue with step parents having a place to rant and don't really need telling what a difficult job they have. I've seen it within my own family so understand why they will need somewhere to let off steam. If they need to say "birth mum" or "bio mum" to make themselves feel better about things, then so be it but I still find it offensive when it is used in order to try and make the mum sound like she does nothing for the child when she is the parent the child lives with iyswim?

Sneezing of course that term can be used offensively, but I don't think that is the main way I've seen it used.

And that after all this, you still say that a step mum would be using the word 'to feel better about herself'? I am starting to think YOU have an issue with stepmothers, to be honest. I really don't want to start a fight, but you seem to have a very generalised idea of stepmothers somehow feeling jealous of their DSC's mum and wishing they were the 'real' mum themselves. I really, really don't think that is the case with the vast majority of step mums! Sure, lots of stepmums have various issues and insecurities, but this is a very rare one in my experience.

Missed your last but one post, Sneezing. Fair enough if you think you've seen a lot of posts where it was used offensively. I guess we all come at things with different sensitivities, so could read the same post in different ways.

Maybe you should read threads properly before projecting your own issues onto other people? Are you a stepmum who has issues with your partners ex? Because I am not one of these bitter exes that I saw a lot of rants about so don't project that onto me. If my ex meets a new partner, I will have my fingers crossed so tightly that she wants what's best for dd and she will want to meet me and be involved in dd's life as much as my stepdad is in mine. I dread my ex finding someone who hates her just because she is mine. I have no theories of stepmums in general being jealous and wanting to be a "real" mum (offensive term that I haven't used but you have? Go figure.). It is clear from some of the threads I read that there are some women with jealousy issues and want more control over the child's life than they have but it was also clear that there are some women who would be the dream stepmum that I hope for for my dd.

Also, I have clearly said that I have accepted that "birth mum" is used to differentiate (after your useful explanation made it click) and was just pointing out to Maryz that some of the threads I read were using it offensively also.

I think I'll bow out of this thread now because I've had the answer to my AIBU so don't really want to be subjected to nitpicking from people about issues that I don't have just because they haven't read my replies properly. Thanks for the replies though everyone!

YANBU OP. DSS is 7 - I've known him for a year and he calls me by my actual name, which works best for both of us. His mum is his mum.