To find the term "birth mum" offensive when used in the context of stepparents and parents?

[SneezingwakestheJesus]

Just been browsing around on here, as you do, and read a couple of threads where the step child's mother was referred to as being their "birth mum". It wasn't being used in the context of adoption or in a situation where the mother has no contact with the child. It was used by stepmothers discussing their partners ex.

Am I being unreasonable to be offended by this? It makes me feel a bit angry to think one day by ex's new partner could be describing me as my daughters birth mum. I'm her mum, plain and simple!

Did you bring it up on the thread by the way?

I've read some of the step-parent threads.

It's used to stop confusion on who posters are talking about, it's not used in real life, so to be be offended is a bit pointless.

Op, don't worry. Your child and you will have the special bond you have whatever label you or anyone else gives you.

I agree sneezing a stepmum isn't equal to mum. I wouldn't think for one minute that I am. I am mum to my own children and that's it.

babyheave You can't expect people not to repeat threads every couple of years. If there was one yesterday, you might have a point but YABU.

We are not that stupid that we can't understand the difference between a child's mum and their step-mum.

"Booyhoo, but the roles aren't equal."

oh yes i agree. i was just saying what i think the step mum is doing/trying to do (if even in their own head) when they refer to a mum as a birth mum instead of just mum.

Yellow, I'm not worried. I'm offended by the words birth mum potentially being used to describe me when I'm simply her mum. There's no one to differentiate me with so the "birth" isn't necessary.

Babyheave, I've only been a member for about six months so you'll have to let me off on that one

Dadthelion, there's no need to use it to differentiate who is who even online. Stepmum for the stepmum differentiates it enough. That's the whole point.

Booyhoo, I think i see what you mean. I think that's partly why it offends me though. Its like its an attempt to make themselves feel more like the child's mum by taking that label/identity away from the mum. When my ex finds someone new, I hope that she doesn't feel she has to label me a birth mum just to feel like an important part of dd's life.

I suppose it is a good descriptor for someone who is perhaps the NRP and Dad and SM are doing the day to day bringing up of a child.

Mind you it is also a good descriptor when reading confusing threads about lots of ex's, new partners, step, halfs and all manner of blended, unblended and thoroughly confusing set ups.

But as a RL descriptor? unlikely

yes i agree with you. that is why it is offensive IMO aswell. it's insecurity really wehn you think about it though, on tehir part i mean.

Have to say though in real life I don't thing I've ever heard of a mum, barring in cases of adoption, being referred to as a birth mum. I have heard dads being repeatedly referred to as biological fathers, "sperm doners" etc, which is equally offensive.

'Dadthelion, there's no need to use it to differentiate who is who even online. Stepmum for the stepmum differentiates it enough. That's the whole point. '

Ahh but you can have a parent who's is a mum and a step mum a parent who's a dad and a stepdad. And the birth mum the step mum could be talking about is also a step mum.

The Stepmums on MN get a hard time but I don't think there's anything nefarious in this at all.

Never heard it used in real life.

Well I occasionally use it when posting on here, and trying to be clear who I am talking about in complicated webs of blended families where there are step-mums, step-dads, who may also be birth-mums and birth-dads to other children etc, plus half-siblings, step-siblings, 'full'-siblings etc. Just makes it clearer to follow IMO.

I don't use it as a matter of routine, and certainly not to try to belittle the role of a mum.

Of course if I'm responding to a post where there is no DSM or no blended family involved, I'm definitely not going to write birth-mum or bio-mum, because it's unecessary.

I think it's just a convenience these terms on line to be absolutely clear about who you are talking about. I'd never use it in real life because it's easier to be clear who you're talking about and when. And I'd never use it when discussing people who I actually knew the names of, again it's not necessary. I wouldn't even call myself a step-mother in real life, or refer to my DP's son as my step-son. But I do it online, because it's way quicker and more convenient than using whole sentences to explain the relationship I have to the person I'm talking about.

Am very offended my the post on page 1 that suggests people who use these terms must be inherently stupid or trying to hurt others. I have nothing against mums in any way shape or form, and nothing against the DM of my DSS. In fact I really like her. And I certainly am not trying to belittle the role of mothers/bio-mothers/real mothers/birth mothers whatever, as opposed to step-mothers.

I'm a stepmum. YANBU.

It is one of those strange Internet quirks, I think. I don't think it's necessary but since it seems to be only web based i don't think it's a sinister plot to undermine Mothers.

Even if there is a parent who is both a mum and a stepmum there would still be no need to say birth mum. Because they are both a mum and stepmum like you just said not both a birth mum and stepmum. I'm trying to think of a way that saying birth mum would be more useful but can't. Even if there would multiple children involved and you were differentiating between a mum of one and a mum of another and then a stepmum who was also mum of a third child, there would still be no way of birth mum being more useful to describe a mum than saying mum. If anything you'd be more likely to say dc1's mum and dc2's mum and then stepmum who is also dc3's mum. Where would birth mum come into it?

I'm trying to understand it but genuinely can't see how "birth mum" would differentiate anymore than "mum" even when they are also a stepmum.

Riverboat, they won't also be "birth mums and birth dads" to other children though. They will be mums and dads to other children. The fact the other people become labelled step or half etc differentiates enough really. That's the part I'm not understanding here.

I also think, and correct me if anybody know better, it became widespread via another parenting site that didn't use the "dear or darling" acronyms and actually had a biomum/ stepmum debate forum. So where as on MN we would write DM or DSM they would write BM and SM.

Well I don't understand a word of your post!!
Too many mums.

But I am intrigued how you can be offended what someone writes on a tiny part of the Internet about someone else.

I think that's partly why it offends me though. Its like its an attempt to make themselves feel more like the child's mum by taking that label/identity away from the mum. When my ex finds someone new, I hope that she doesn't feel she has to label me a birth mum just to feel like an important part of dd's life.

I absolutely DONT want to feel more like my DSS's mum! And I don't want her label or identity, I don't know ANY step mothers who want that. I do think some people read way to much into this. Yes there are a few psycho stepmums out there trying to push the birthmum out of the picture, but I really think it's the minority and not the default position!

(In the sentence above for example, why did I instinctively write 'the birthmum' instead of 'the mum'? Because I definitely did do it instinctively, but maybe it's because that word is on my mind now! I guess it's because it scans better, putting 'the mum' in there would read weirdly to me. I could have subsituted 'the mother' or 'their DSC's mum' though, that would read fine. But just 'the mum' sounds weird to me...)

i refer to my dad as my "biological dad" because he's a cunt and i havent seen him for 20 years

my stepdad is lovely though
YANBU OP but i think it would matter in personal context. I have no relationship with my bio-dad. So thats all he is. In terms of when other people talk about him though, they just call him my dad. I don't think I've put my point across very well here but i hope you understand what im trying to get at...

I don't think you can generalise. In my experience, my dad is the man who brought me up. And my my birth father is exactly that - the man responsible for / party to my birth. I am not, however, adopted.

So, in some circumstances YABU

Dadthelion, in simple words, saying birth mum does not differentiate anymore than mum when the other person is already differentiated by saying stepmum. Even if stepmum has her own children, saying birth mum to describe the mum wouldn't be any extra help.

Riverboat, maybe its instinctive due to the way you subconsciously feel about your stepchildrens mum or because you use it online a lot. Its more natural to me to type the mum because I've never considered the mother of a child to be anything but their mum when they have an active role in their child's life iyswim.

On a side not I, as a stepmother, find the term "real mum" offensive when talking about mums and step mums. The implication is that I'm a "fake mum" to my stepchildren, I'm not, I'm their stepmum.

Sneezing - I see your point. Though still think it's easy to say that in isolation, that 'mum' and 'stepmum' are sufficiently different enough, but in the context of a long complicated post I think it can save a few seconds of thinking time for the reader to use the term bio/birth mum occasionally!

But, am trying to think about this in other ways too.

I think there's another reason I might use the word, but it's hard to explain. Something to do with responding to threads where it's the stepmum who is at the centre of it all, it's about her point of view and all the other bits of the family are auxilliary to her. She is the centre of her own world - I am NOT saying that means she is the centre of the family in real life, or she comes first or whatever, but from the point of view that she has a problem or something to discuss online, she is at the centre of it. So we're not talking about the mum of the stepchild as a mum in and of herself, but rather we're talking about her in relation to the step mother, who is at the centre of the post.

Or, we might be talking about stepmums and birth mums as general categories, and the differences between them. So again, for the sake of clarity in both those situations, I would use the term birth mum. Because I'm talking about what someone is in relation to a stepmother, not what they are in relation to their child. Because I want to be clear I'm not talking about mothers generally, but rather mothers who have separated from their partners and whose children now have stepparents - writing 'birth mum' for me does the job of saying all that, rather than typing out that whole sentence!

Again, I'm not sure I explained that very well, and doubtless some people will take offence, but am trying to think out loud and be honest. And will say again that I swear I have no axes to grind, don't hate the mother of my DSS, that is in no way any part of my motivation for using this term.